Scribbles of Me

I Love One Who Loves Unconditionally

2011-09-24T07:08:00.001-07:00

Hello all!
I've had one of those weeks that changes everything. Well, actually, nothing really happened. One minute I'm at the bookstore...browsing through musty old books... and then, I'm sitting in the floor overwhelmed with despair. What could have caused this you ask? Well, it was the Christian section of the store.
Let me back up. Start from the beginning.
On my days off, I often peruse the bookstore by my house. I don't always buy but I like to go there because it calms me. This Wednesday I was doing my usual rounds when I came across the Bible section. If you know me, you know I have a weakness for Bibles. I just like them. And, more often than not, I find myself buying them. After a few months, I inevitably come across someone who needs one and then I pass it on (I always hope to keep it in the beginning).
On this particular evening, I was searching for something to calm my spirit. For reasons I did not understand, I was restless. Nothing was satisfying and after being there for two hours, I had nothing.
As I sat there, on the floor in the musty bookstore, I realized that I was looking for a sign. A reason for being.
I kept walking the isles- over and over again. Hoping. Waiting.
If you have a common name, what I am about to tell you will mean nothing to you but to me, it was the greatest gift. I came across one of those books that have the name cards in it with a scripture and an explanation of your name. I didn't expect to find mine in there- my name is never there- but I did. It said, Roxanne "Dawn of the day."
I already knew this about my name. I knew that my name meant the morning and it seemed to fit me. If I am anything, it's a morning person. A sunrise is one of the greatest sights a person can witness.
Anyway, it wasn't the explanation that caught me. No, it was the scripture.
It said, Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 22-23.

I sat down in the floor and cried. I wept. You see, this has always been one of my favored scriptures.
It was in this moment that I realized that nothing is an accident with God. all the nasty, horrible things that plague life are the very things that bring about the things that are beautiful. It's how you handle those situations, it's how you love God, others, yourself, and this life that makes the difference.
Micah 7:8 Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy. When I fall, I shall arise. When I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.
And, Job, my friend, my comfort- If you can live a life for the Lord with all that you suffered, then I can as well.
And Peter was right- to suffer is a privilege. I only hope that I can continue to persevere and wait for the day that He comes back - for the day that I can crawl, head down and heart beating madly, to kiss His feet.
Great is the faithfulness of God.
Great is He who comforts one such as me.

I Think I Might Just Be in Love

2011-08-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

But now, this is what the LORD says-- He who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth--

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

Isaiah 43: 1-7

In 2009, my entire world was rocked. Everything I believed about myself and everything I believed about this world was shattered. I looked to God and heard nothing. I read the Bible and it held no peace. I cried and begged for something- but nothing came. And during this time of heartbreak, God hid his face from me.

Two years. 730 days.

He never left me, I know. But during this time, I felt abandoned. People would ask me what I believed and all I could say was, "I love Jesus and that's all I've got." I trust Him and I know he's there- even if I can't feel Him."I went to church but all I felt was pain. At times, I lay in the floor and held my Bible. I just lay there. I couldn't speak, I couldn't pray, I couldn't breathe. In Romans, there's a scripture that says that when we don't know what to pray that "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I spent at least a year where I couldn't even open my Bible. I could only hold it and trust that God understood- and He did.

In 2009, a professor of mine suggested that I take a semester off. I didn't. I couldn't be alone with myself that long and I felt that I would be giving up if I did. Instead, I began constructing a shield around myself. I cut myself off from life. I hid from everyone I loved and only ventured out when I thought I had my mask firmly in place. Roxie's got it together. No worries. I lied to myself. I lied to God. But he knew and He loved me anyway.

I didn't survive because I'm strong but because in my weakness He held me close. Little by little, God woke me up. It's funny how the hardest situations in your life teach you so much. About life. About God. The future. The present. Your calling.

In the midst of my suffering, God asked me to give my dreams up and move to South America. It was the first time that He had spoken to me, had asked anything of me in such a long time. I wrestled with it. I got angry. I cried. How could He ask me to do something so big when I couldn't even love myself? When He hadn't let me feel Him for so long! I couldn't grasp it. It didn't seem fair. Eventually I said Yes. How could I say no? I gave everything I owned away. I packed myself up. I got ready.

And here I am. Six months after I should have left.

When I finally told Him yes, everything changed. I began to feel Him again. The little things that I loved so much about Him and about life, myself... they all began to matter once more.

Maybe He just wanted to know that I would go. Maybe I needed to know that I could. Maybe I had to lose everything to realize all that I had.

Loving God means suffering. It also means boundless joy and peace and wonder. It means endless opportunities. And Love.

Yes, it was an awful situation. And it hurt. It destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. However, to see what I have gained, I think that dark place was worth it.

I hope that He finds God. That He finds forgiveness. I forgive Him.

Who am I that He is mindful of me?

I am Blessed.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1: 2-4

If my heart is overwhelmed

And I cannot hear your voice

I’ll hold on to what is true

Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come

And the road ahead gets steep

I will lift these hands in faith

I will believe

And, as I've prayed many, many times in the past couple of years:

Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief.

And, to my complete surprise, I've never been more in love than I am now. He is all I need. And all I want.

Roxie

And a special thank you to those who lifted me up in prayer and never once wavered in your friendship.

Life As I Know It

2011-01-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

You watch romantic comedies, right? You know the quiet, dorky, bookworm-ish girl who meets Prince Charming at the end? Well, I’m that girl- except for that whole Prince Charming part. I have been accused of being a recluse- a social failure. I prefer my books, a nice cup of tea, and some soft, harmonious music over a noisy crowd any day. What’s wrong with that?
I admit it, I do. I am completely terrified of the opposite sex. I have very few male friends and even then I surround myself only with those who seem the most harmless, a.k.a. those I am not drawn to. Now, it’s not that I don’t want to get married someday- actually, you could say that I want it more than I should. I am a complete mess. Obviously. Most women who want to get married (whether it is soon or later in life), date. I would go as far as to say that it is impossible to get married if you don’t talk to men. Looking at it in this light, I probably seem like a ridiculous ninny.
Looking back, I don’t think my life could have been any different than it was. I did everything the right way. I attended church with my family and worked hard in school. I went on church trips, cleaned the church, served food at church socials, and worked youth camps. I worked for my own money. I got into to college on scholarship. I graduated cum laude and shook my fist in defiance of my small town heritage. I even taught Sunday school. And yet, nothing has gone the way I planned it.
When I was five, I knew I was going to college. My mom said I came home from my first day of kindergarten and announced that I was going to go and become a Psychologist. I graduated with a degree in Psychology last month. I have always been responsible and I feel like I grew up too quickly—much sooner than my parents ever expected me to, I’m sure. At twelve, I felt like an old woman. I couldn't help but think that something was wrong with me.
I didn’t date. I still don’t date. I have never even been asked on a date. And that was not part of the plan. I wasted most of my preteen years and teens waiting for that “special” guy to come along. When he didn’t I saw that as another failure. It’s hard being the only one in your close group of friends who hasn’t experienced anything romantic in her life. And it’s even worse when you have a negative body image to go with it. However, I intend to change all of that -Starting today.

So, what does a young woman of twenty-two years do on a Friday night?

BLOG CHANGE!

2010-10-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!
I know that I sent out in my letters that I will be blogging from this site while in Ecuador but I have decided to start afresh!
Please follow me @ senoritarosanna.blogspot.com
I hope to hear from you all soon!
Adios!

Who is This Girl?

2010-10-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today I was going through some old journals when two sheets fell out of one of the notebooks. After reading them and dissolving into tears, I came to terms with the shift in my faith- but I want that faith back again. And I want that joy.
I wanted to include it on here because it was a beautiful time in my life and a reminder to seek him and find joy in him every single day.

Dear Father,
I can't believe how far you've brought me, the things you've shown me and the places you've taken me.
It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this feeling. You make me feel so incredibly amazing. Everyone is constantly creating. Creating for you. Some are painting, drawing, making chalk pictures. Praying... Journaling, all for you. All of us, one common desire- to get to know you better.
Jesus, you are my peace.

You give me joy. Joy like I've never known.
Peace I could only dream of.
A heart that longs to love.

Everyday I feel the strokes of your brush on my heart.
Everyday, you make me feel beautiful.
Everyday I feel a difference.
I feel beautiful.

I weep because you love me.
I weep because I never reach the pinnacle of what I need to be for you.
I wail because I cannot repay your love.
I will never be good enough...
Your grace has covered me.
Your grace has filled me with gladness and causes me to weep.
Tears of joy are my veil. They cover my face and my head continually before you.

Right now I am a piece of clay that has the beginnings of a form.
Each moment I feel your hands upon me- Stretching me, shaping me, turning me, smoothing me, bending me. Tenderly you mold me into the person you intended me to be.
Every moment I feel so incredibly loved and completely protected. I am yours. And woe is me! For I am unclean.

--
I want to make a difference for you.
With the orphans, the widows- protect my heart!

Consume me. Take me and consume all that I am, all that I've been, consume me. Consume me. Make me beautiful for you. Give me Jesus eyes. Take the veil from my eyes and make me see you. Let me see the world through your eyes.
I want to notice others. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to save your creation!
O God, please use me. You are my life. Only you.

--
You are so much more than me,
So much bigger than me,
so much more faithful.
You make everything magical.
You make my life magical!

I'm content to just spend my life loving you.

End.

My new prayer is that I can find that woman again. That girl who loved her Father so much so saw him in everything. He is ever faithful. My life and my path are evident of that. I can't express how much I want to be in love with him- all my life.

ABCs and... ABCs.

2010-10-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

If you have any letter games that you no longer want, please send them my way. I want to take as many as possible with me in January. Basically, I need old scrabble letters, bananagrams, scrabble apple pieces... anything you've got! I'm hoping to use the letters in my lessons at the foundation so PLEASE let me know if you can help. Thanks guys!
117 DAYS TO GO!

141 Days to Go

2010-09-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm really leaving. It all seems like a crazy fantasy- planning this trip, taking a leap of faith. I know God is the one in control of my life and I'm prepared- excited even...but still, I'M MOVING TO SOUTH AMERICA IN 141 DAYS! P.S. Know anyone who wants a cat? It seems that my cat will be homeless when I move to Ecuador... the parentals aren't interested in having more pets :( Someone save Clarke!

Once Upon a Time...

2010-07-25T20:51:00.001-07:00

There was a little girl who wanted to serve Jesus with all of her heart. He was her best friend, Father, Mother, sister, brother, neighbor, and roommate. He was there when she woke in the morning and He followed her everywhere she went that day. She thought of Him all day at school and she daydreamed of Him in the summers - even pretending that He was playing pirates and running through fields with her. She had a song of joy constantly in her heart.
As a child, she knew that God had something different planned for her life- something that made her think twice about her choices. The little girl was not sure what this plan was but she knew that God would show her where to go and what to do when He was ready for her to go. And now that God has revealed that plan…
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, that little girl was me. Yes, I’ve been fortunate to grow up with God in my life- in it, around it, completely in control of it, and loved by Him every single day. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses but I’ve always known that there was a reason for everything- even the ugly things. As a teen, I spent many a night crying into my pillow because I wanted to be do the things other girls were doing- dating and…well, dating. It seems petty now but at the time I didn’t realize the wonderful things God wanted me to do instead. I have had so many opportunities to grown in relationship with Him, my family, friends, and the community because I’ve had that time to devote to greater things.
In the back of my mind I have always known that this is what God had planned for my life. I thought I could ignore it and do “more interesting” things. However, that only satisfied me for a time. For the past year and a half God has been working on my heart and questioning my motivations in everything that I do and say.
I thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be but God had completely transformed my thinking. I think about Ecuador, I dream about it… it is constantly on my mind. I find myself planning ahead- thinking of what I will teach them to say in English first or how my Spanish is going to hold up. I wonder what God is going to teach me. How will God use me?

I Will Waste My Life

2010-05-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

I used to think that I had to be the best of the best. I believed that in order to be respected and fulfilled that I would have to have a serious education- nothing less than a doctorate. Okay, I never wanted to be rich.. that's never been high on my list of priorities. Money has never been something that I've cared about. Which is good... considering that Jesus is sending me towards a life other than the one I had planned for myself.
Fickle as I am, I naively thought that I could plan my life and that God would allow me to pursue my dreams... as long as I was trying to be a good Christian. And I'm sure that in most situations, that does work out... but not in my case. At least, not right now.
Here I am, graduating and floating in a sea of uncertainty. My entire existence has been about order, meticulous planning, and.... I am freaking out!
However, God has asked me to do something else. To put my own desires aside and to use the compassion and empathy that he has blessed (sometimes, cursed) me with. He is asking me to get down in the dirt and dig, plant, water, nurture the seeds that He will plant in the heart and minds of the people. And I can't help but feel my heart swell with gratitude- at being a part of such a journey, to be saved, loved, and cared for by such a great God.
That is why I feel such a kinship to this song. Misty Edwards sings, "I'll say goodbye to my Father, my mother- turn my back on every other lover and I'll press on, yes, I'll press on.... For I am in LOVE with you and there is no cost, I am in love with you and there is no loss. I am in love with you - I wanna take your name. I am in love with you, I wanna cling to you, Jesus. Just let me cling to you, Jesus."
WOW.
For some time now I have felt God nudging me towards a life that I haven't planned. I am terrified. Yet, I am excited. I am unsure, yet I am certain. I am unworthy, yet I know that I am being sent.
Who am I that He would send me?
Isn't there someone else that is better qualified? Someone else who gets it right? I am so unworthy.
Someday, I think, I would like to go to Graduate school. I think I would like to pursue a doctorate degree. I would like to meet some sweet man and fall in love- you know, cute house, two dogs, one cat (got the cat already!) white picket fence, a couple of children etc. Someday.
However, at this moment, I know that God is calling me to put those dreams aside and to fall in love with His dream for me.
Miss Roxanne Holloway, Missionary?

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: 17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me

I used to see this scripture as a beautiful description of what a great marriage would be... Now, I guess I see it a little differently. Wherever He is, I want to be there. Whether it's in Seattle, Chicago, China, Africa, or... Ecuador. I want to be there. Where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

And I can't help but remember the prophecy of my youth. I can't help but think that this is the time that God has called me for.
Here I am. Just me. Broken, pitiful me. It took sliding to the end of my rope to realize that I was two feet from the ground. God wasn't leaving me... He has been trying to show to look at the world from a different perspective.

Here I am. Send me.
:)

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived, Exhausted Woman at Midnight.

2010-05-14T20:48:00.001-07:00

I started a new job at Panera Bread. Right now, I am a glorified diner girl. I clean the tables, chat with the old folks, and wash the dishes. It is actually an enjoyable time for me since I simply like to talk to people. I don't always want to be the girl stuck in dining room but....well... we shall see where it goes.
On another note... I have started a Blessings journal. Everyday I write down at least one blessing from the day and when I am feeling down and out... I simply re-read all the wonderful things God has done for me.. And those things... Wow. Since I started the journal, blessing upon blessing has been poured out. And, honestly, he's been doing these things all along.. I just didn't notice them.
Kind of amazing.
I'm seeing God in a new light... I am trying my hardest to find the joy and awe in my relationship with Him again. I will admit that my relationship with Him hasn't been what it should have been the past year. I was simply trying to make it. Now...I am doing more than just making it.. I am thriving. God is changing everything about me to reflect Him. I just wish I weren't so dang stubborn.
Pray for me. My strong, stubborn mind and independent nature holds me back in this area. I find them to be helpful most of the time but in this... I need to surrender again. So, pray that I can finally fully hand over control.
Now that I have confessed all.... I guess this is goodnight!

Ecuador Bound

2010-04-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

Ecuador bound in January. I wanted to give my friends an opportunity to see where I am going and get an idea of what my life is going to be like in just a few short months.
I am going to work with the Bread of Life Foundation in Atucucho, Quito, Ecuador. It is the poorest area in the Capital City of Quito.
Included here are photos of my future home.
Love,
Roxie

2010-03-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that God is wonderful. He is beautiful and incredible. And no, everything has not been resolved and picture perfect. I have just decided to let Jesus have control of my life. Finally. I know, I think that I have said this before but really, I have been given no other choice. I have felt such peace about everything, even as I freak out. Does that make sense? I've decided that all of this must be happening so I can move on into His plan for my life. We shall see.
I think that I might start blogging daily. Short blogs, mostly. I just know that I need to share this journey- crazy as it is- with others. It's important.
Gotta go.
Pray for me!

Just Wow.

2010-03-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

Sigh. If you ask God to give you faith... He gives you opportunities to practice the faith you have. Just an FYI.
Be careful what you wish for...cause you just might get it. (Yes, I know I inserted a pop song but it was really necessary..considering).
I can't give specifics about the issues making me rely upon my faith as of yet.
Stay tuned and I hope to be able to give a clearer picture of this year once I am "allowed" to.
Isaiah 30:18-21 has become my mantra.

Mustard Seed Faith

2010-03-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was sitting outside on my porch swing, wrapped in my snuggie, reading my Bible when I realized that I was being a hypocrit. Reason? I will tell you.
I have a Women of Faith study Bible that I have been using (love it!) for the past several years. Only, lately- due to financial issues and stress- my faith meter has been dangerously low. So, having such small faith, I felt extremely hypocritical reading my faith study Bible.
--
As I thought about this and despair washed over me, I opened my Bible and it fell to a piece of scripture that I have never once glanced at before. This is what it said:

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will help you when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it."
Isaiah 30:18-21.

Okay. Wow.
First of all, I was touched by verse 18 when I read of God's longing to be gracious to me. It made me feel as though I truly was not alone in this.
Second, -- "you will weep no more" -- I have wasted many a tear on my current situation and knowing that God wants to be gracious to me and to keep me from my tears speaks volumes.
Third,-- "He will help you when you cry for help!" Okay, right now all I can do is call for help. Knowing he will help me is important.
fourth, -- "as soon as he hears, he will answer you." This was powerful to me because I constantly feel as though He doesn't hear me. It was nice to have this reiterated.
fifth, -- "your teachers will be hidden no more" -- Good to know that he will show me how my trials have taught me a lesson. I needed to know that I was not going through all of this for nothing.
Sixth, -- "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it." -- BAM! This is my life right now. I have no idea which way I should go, what I should be doing with my life, or what God wants from me. Stepping out in faith is really the only way. It is all I can do. I can rest in the knowledge that God is directing me and will confirm each and every footstep.

So, instead of berating me for my small faith, God decided to give me a little bit of hope to guide my faith in the right direction and to encourage me throughout the journey. (Hebrews 11:1)
Pray for me!

Frustration Rules My Life

2010-02-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

I felt like I needed to blog this to get it out of my system...if it's something that I need to get out of my system.

You see, sometimes I try to picture myself getting falling in love and getting married but it seems so ridiculous to me. Maybe it's a side effect of having both of parents getting divorced again that has me in this funk but.. I don't know if it's possible for me to experience a lasting relationship. This could possibly be the reason why I am currently single. Maybe I'm just uninterested in men. Maybe.

I have only really been interested in one guy in my entire life. And now I can't even remember what it was that I found so alluring/charming about him.

I am at this point in my life where no one holds any interest for me. Does this mean something?

I keep telling myself that this whole single thing is something I am living and learning from right now because God has someone special for me. But does he really?

Sometimes I wonder.

There's a song called By the Way They Dance by Jump, Little Children. It is possibly the most romantic, beautiful song that I have ever heard and I want that feeling in my life. Only, the problem is that there is no one interesting around me. Or maybe I am wanting too much?

I don't think so. I just get so... bored in the company of most men.

I want someone who has a personality.... someone unique. I wonder if that is possible in this society? Maybe it is impossible to find that person in Cleveland? That's highly improbable.

Yes, I get the occasional creep who asks me out. Other than that... Nada.

My grandmothers think I am lying to them when I say that there are no men interested in me. "How can there be no one interested in you? You're beautiful, smart, funny. You're great!" Says my grandmothers. Sadly, that's not the case- at least not here.

Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I do.

I just get overwhelmed when I think that I am 21 and I have never been on a date. Not ever.

I can't help but feel weird about it.

My mother reassures me that it's because I have someone special that I am being saved for. Sure. I can handle that. I try to believe it.. but I fall short. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Maybe I'm weird. Maybe I smell funny. Maybe, just maybe it's because I'm an individual.

If that's the case, I can handle that. I don't mind being alone if it means I'm not expected to be a cookie cutter image of another woman. No thanks.

But still..

It gets lonely.

I work in a video store and I get weekly visits from an old man who comes in for Pepsi and conversation. His name is Fred and he's a wonderful, sweet old man. He always asks me what my plans with my boyfriend are. I always reply that I'm single.

What I love about Fred is that he knows exactly what I want. When he tells me that all the men in this town are "Crazy for passing you up" I can't help but feel a little pride. (he's very good with words)

I just need to get out of this town!

Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Story of my life.

I really wish that God would let something happen. I am getting a little frustrated here.

I am blogging this and I know no one will read it because no one reads my blog. I guess that makes it easier to get this out in the open.

Final comment: Maybe I should stop listening to this song and I would stop wanting something I am not meant to have.

No. I can't stop listening to it. I love it.

Adios.

Valentines Day Surprise

2010-02-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but.. I had a fantastic Valentines Day. No, I didn't have a date....I had eight dates. haha! My friends and I had a dinner for Valentines Day. We all brought a dish- I brought a macaroni and potato casserole- and we watched movies and just hung out. Best time ever! I played with the cat, Winston, and got clawed up. We talked about everything and nothing at all. It was superb.

Valentines Day has never been important to me and usually I forget about it and realize after it's over that it passed. However, I have to say, I had one of my top nights last night and I realize more and more how blessed I am to have such wonderful, beautiful friends. I wouldn't have traded last night to have it any other way.

So, Heck yes, I'm single! And I love it.

See ya soon?!

Roxie

2010-01-27T08:20:00.001-08:00

So, yesterday I was having a rough time of it. I am not going to sugar coat it. I was a mess. Most of it was stubborn pride, anger, humiliation, and sadness. I thought that I was being laughed at, mocked, or even abandoned by God. Ridiculous, I know.

When you're trying to follow God's plan for your life... when you finally give up your desires and wishes... it doesn't mean everything is going to be lollipops and sunshine.

2009 was the hardest year of my life- for many different reasons- and now that I have finally surrendered control of my life and all my heartaches to Jesus, it makes sense that Satan might be having some anger issues.

Chronicling 2009, I would have to admit that even when things were really bad...Jesus still held me. Realizing that now, when I am stronger, I know that all I've been facing that seems to hinder that plan He's given me... is simply reason enough for me to continue pressing forward to make it happen.

Thank You Jesus for making me different, for making me sensitive and compassionate towards others... and Thank You for choosing me to do something so incredible with my life.

You are the only reason I exist and I thank you for that.

He who loves purity of heart And has grace on his lips, The king will be his friend.

Proverbs 22:11

Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

I want to be friends with my God and I want to be forgiving and kind to everyone. I want to cherish that which is good and sweet. I want to be a Christian model to others- to those that others scorn and toss aside.

Create in me a heart that beats only for you, Jesus, so that I may walk among those who do not fear you and teach them of you.

2010-01-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm having a bad day. Nothing is going my way, I am feeling alone, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I always thought that if you were trying to follow Gods' will, then things would just work out- Oh, God wants me to ____? Well, sure.-- and then I do it. But no. It's never like that. You get beat up pretty badly by people you love, people you assumed cared for you, and you never quite recover.

Like me.

I keep discovering these horrifying facets on the people I love. As I sit there completely dumbfounded and disturbed, they continue to poke at me, taunt me, and ultimately, toss me aside. Honestly, what's the point? I can only be Me. I can only let it go for so long. Forgive 70x7. Got it. But what if it's been a thousand instances of forgiveness?

Over and over again, I am knocked down. Yet, time and again, I stand back up- dust myself off and continue forward. Only.. lately the dust is sticking.. and I am suffocating underneath it all.

Friendships fade, families bicker, and we fall in and out of love... but is it wrong for me to want more than that?

I catch a glimpse of something beautiful in the distance but I can't quite get a hold on it for all the dust. It keeps slipping from my hand and disappearing into the thickness. This desert leaves me parched and sick. Until i feel I will die here.

But, I hold to His promise over me. To the plan he has for my life. I hold steadfast to the strength of His arms and I will allow Him to heal my broken heart, my bruised soul, because I know that He is the only one who can save me from this wasteland.

So, I wait. And I walk. I press forward through the dust, the mud, the heat. Because I know that He will bring me into His glory and He will hold me in His arms. He is my everything. He is my life.

Be glad then, you children of Zion, And rejoice in the LORD your God; For He has given you the former rain faithfully, and He will cause the rain to come down for you-- The former rain. And the latter rain in the first month.

The Threshing floors shall be full of wheat, And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts have eaten,

The Crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

and the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And my people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

Joel 2: 23-27

Required Reading: 101

2010-01-17T00:03:00.001-08:00

Books are like old friends that never tire of your company, never say a harsh word to you, and are always available when you need them. If I have a good book, I'm set. I can sit for hours on end and just read.. imagine.. live. I know it may seem ridiculous to some of you who don't read but I have always found the written word to be an inspiration and joy to my life. I am laying in my bed now, ready to call it a night, and as I glance around my room I find comfort in my books. A random book on the floor, a couple by the bed, my Bible, journal and a short novel on my stand, my book cases- all of these make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Recently, I have found that I really like reading about Jesus' life. He was actually pretty amazing- and quite sarcastic when he wanted to be. I had this idea about the Bible- it was required reading, but it couldn't be fun. Boy, did God show me how wrong I was. I literally laughed at some of the things Jesus did to those Pharisees- He even insulted their clothing.

What I am trying to say is that I have found that just because you aren't particularly fond of a book at the beginning, it does not mean that you should stop trying to read it.

So, kudos Jesus for being pretty radical. And obviously, a source of inspiration to me- to keep going in the face or adversity. (And while I'm at it, I think I'll cause a stir of my own!)

Books are meant to nourish.

Enjoy.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

2010-01-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

I am sitting on the couch at my house, wrapped up tight and warm with my new Christmas snuggie.. and I am listening to the silence of my house and I keep thinking, "I could live like this forever." Only, that's a lie. I can't even sleep half the night alone here and I find myself freaking out that I am going to be attacked and murdered (dramatic much?). As I sit here.. I enjoy the peace and quiet but I keep one ear permanently cocked for sounds of forced entry or breaking glass and even whispers from burglars. -- And this is exactly how I live my life. I am constantly trying to keep the boat steady while frantically searching for holes that sink and sharks that bite. I live my life like I am inside the fish's belly instead of living the sweet life on a luxury cruise liner sailing the blue waters. Why is this exactly? No one told me that I couldn't be happy, no one told me to be the martyr-- No one told me to try to be everyone's savior. Yet every time there is a crisis, I come rushing in-- offering myself, giving of myself, crying for others, praying, holding hands, talking on the phone all night.. being Superwoman. But I think I have finally hit a desert lined with kryptonite- and I am so tired.

And yet, I find that there must be hope of something more, something beautiful to reach towards. I give of myself because He gave of himself. And every time I give of me, I am modeling after Him. And that's kind of beautiful.

So, I guess this means I will press on? Keep walking? Treading through rough waters and climbing tall mountains? falling down into large pits in deserts with no water? Yeah, I guess that's what I am trying to say.

The song of my life seems to constantly be on repeat. Maybe I am missing the important message that God has been trying to tell me all along..

Maybe... it's not about me.... at all.

Lead Me and I will Follow

2009-12-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

I have been asking God for direction. Sometimes I find myself wanting something that God is not ready for me to have- such as a career or...even possibly a family. Okay, so I know I am not exactly groomed for a family. I mean, don't you have to know how to starch clothing (whatever that is) and be super woman- always keeping things neat and orderly? Let's not even get started on my career- I cannot imagine how I would make school fit into that picture. Anyway, lately I have found myself wanting things that God doesn't have for me yet. And I am okay with waiting...really.

I had a wonderful experience the other day when I was reading my Bible and studying the spiritual discipline of submission. There was a quote from Thomas a Kempis, which said, "As thou wilt; what thou wilt; when thou wilt."

I have been learning that I can have my dreams and aspirations- no one can take those from me but I am also learning that when I submit to Jesus and give him my will, when I give Him my future, that is when I truly find what I am mean to do.

I am finally at peace within myself heart and mind about....everything. Things that have happened to me, things I have done to others, big hurts, little hurts, misunderstandings...

They all fade away in His glory.

Sure, the future that God has planned doesn't fit my personal standards of "achievement" but I know that this is His will for me.

Now, I guess I am not ready to share my revelation with the world yet. I am not really sure how to do so. For now I guess I can simply state- It is nothing that I intended and everything I knew I would be.

I have been looking to others and trying to find myself in their plans, happiness, and even their sorrows. But I know now that I am Me. I am exactly who Jesus intended me to be-A little quirky, compassionate, obstinate and stubborn at times, melodramatic, and, sometimes, comical.

I can handle that.

All I can end with is this:

I am trusting- and certain- that God knows me better than myself. I am trusting Him with the love story of my life. - And regardless of anything else, I can be certain that to Him, everything about my existence is part of a beautiful love poem that is Me. I really can't argue with that.

As thou wilt; what thou wilt; when thou wilt.

For more information on the spiritual disciplines, please read Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth By: Richard J. Foster

Untitled Life

2009-12-03T22:44:00.001-08:00

I'm writing this post because I want to be a rebel. Or maybe I want to pretend that I am one. Or more accurately, I might actually be one. Having said that.. I must say this:
It's been a long journey....maybe it has been a short one. Regardless, I don't think that I can't pretend to agree with things that I find disturbing anymore. It is really not okay the way we act as Christians. Personal convictions? That's awesome. Trying to force those convictions on others? Not cool.
There is a reason why no one wants to be a Christian anymore. There is a reason why we are thought of as domineering, mean, and self-righteous. It is because we ARE.
I cannot think of any reason why a person would want to learn about Christianity. Really? What have we got to offer? Not acceptance. Not unconditional friendship. We have a list of rules, gossip, and back stabbing. Not much of a legacy.
I have come to the conclusion that the only way we can show people Jesus is to get into their world. Working in their community, living their life- otherwise, why would they want to get to know us?
There are some really wonderful people out there who need us to be there for them. They need us to come into their world and actually care about them. It is awesome to have fun with those we go to church with but what about serving the community? We don't do that anymore.
My issue is that I am frustrated with the church. As a body, what are we really doing to further the kingdom of Christ?
Not a lot.
I wish we could get out of our box and actually do something that models Jesus.
Jesus was a rebel. And I want to be one too.
Much Love and Eggnog!
Roxie

Dear God, Come Sit By Me

2009-11-07T22:05:00.001-08:00

Today I had the most amazing experience.

I read a scripture that I have heard a million times in my lifetime...but never really experienced until today.

And I don't think it could have come at a better time in my life than now.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

One of the first scriptures you learn as a baby and it took me twenty-one years to really, really grasp it.

I have been crying out... every day, in every way.. wishing, yearning, missing my Jesus...

so tired, ready to disappear into my pain, exhausted...

and then, I see this...

I really love my Jesus. That is really all I can say.

Reflections Before Psychology Of Women

2009-11-05T13:15:00.001-08:00

Can I just say that it has been a stressful year? And it is not even over yet. I cannot wait until this whole ordeal with Mark has been completed- until he has to pay for his crimes and can no longer haunt my family. I want peace. Simple peace.
---
I started counseling sessions with a counselor at school. A lot of people do not like to share that they are going to counseling- and that is completely fine- but I feel like I should let people know that I am doing it. And it is for no one else other than myself that I do.
--
One of the things that I have come up against this year is the fact that I don't do anything for myself. I constantly think of what I can do to make everyone else's life easier. I don't take care of myself and I realize now that it is time to do so.
It doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me less of a woman- it just makes me healthy.

One of the things I have learned this year is that we put unrealistic expectations on women.
We have it in our head that a woman is supposed to be the perfect woman, a great wife, a superb mother, successful in all areas of life- smart, ambitious -but not too ambitious because that's "masculine"- kind, compassionate, long-suffering, always available...but that is preposterous!
I could never be that woman. And neither can any other woman on the face of this earth.
--
My latest session with my counselor has resulted in an assignment to relax. Anyone else confused?! I have two huge papers due next week... how can I relax? However, I have been told that I am not allowed to do any school work on Friday night.... just to relax and be calm.
Sigh.
Can I really do it?
I was thinking maybe I will go to the Ocoee and take some photos... read a book... sit on my porch swing and have a chat with Jesus.
I really miss Jesus.
How did my life turn into this? I do not want to live like this anymore.
I want to be free.
I want to be me again.
I am who I am and I love myself... but sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who loves me.
And that is ridiculous.. but it doesn't stop the feeling of loneliness...
Once again, I am trying to fix myself... which is not possible..
I know that I am loved, that I am cherished, and that I am special to at least one person- and I really LOVE my God.
I do.
I cannot wait to lose some of this stress.
Hence my promise to myself to adhere to the orders of my therapist... and do something for me.
Too bad I am broke....or I would buy myself some new shoes. THAT always does the trick! :)
Much love!

I Love My Life

2009-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Fall Break...my last fall break...
I am about to embark on an adventure, to God knows where, with Sierra.
Listening to the Kooks and marveling at how far I have come in my life this past year.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.. and I feel like I am fighting a war I am going to lose. And then I win a battle... and another... and, amazingly, I realize that you can't just go out and win the war... you take it one step at a time ... one battle at a time.. and then find that the wins are in your favor.
And I am so grateful that I have a Father who loves me. Unconditionally.
I am so grateful that he takes care of me... expects nothing but myself... and always comforts and watches over me.
Off I go on an adventure!
:)

Roxann Holloway invites you to connect

2009-09-28T13:31:00.001-07:00

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My Romance

2009-09-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

We've been talking a lot about love and romance in my Human Sexuality class this week. Only not about male/female romance but person/God romance. I am slightly in awe of God at the moment. I know when I catch my breath I will be overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wonderful intimacy with God is.

Today we were discussing a chapter in our book titled Sex God by Rob Bell.

There was a lot of great material in the chapter and I would love to write a full blog on it but I think for tonight I just want to quote something that was said at the very end of the chapter which brought tears to my eyes and a longing in my heart.

It said:

The other day my five-year-old son asked my wife, "Mom, what does sexy mean?"

She thought about it for a second, and then replied, "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you."

Okay. Let me just say that I have never felt sexy. And I have never heard it described that way.

But I want to feel that way. And I want to be that kind of person- for myself and no one else.

I think that the signals are mixed up... even in the church and we've got to figure out how to navigate this mess of church and media mix-ups on how to be a sexual Christian. I think we should look more to God and less to others.

:Stepping off my soap box:

I am finding that there's so much more to my Christianity than I ever thought of before. And I am finding a purer romance, a deeper commitment and a longer lasting love than I could ever have hoped to find.

Honestly, I feel as though I could remain single for my whole life. And that would be just fine.

Isn't HE just beautiful?

2009-08-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

I think Jessy's blog has inspired me to write my own testimony. Of sorts. I find testimonies weird because if I am not finished with my journey... does that make my testimony legitimate? Considering my faith changes day by day. A testimony is a statement of truth, of your faith. Half the time I'm confused. Haha.
----
Okay, so this is my testimony. To date.

For the largest portion of my life I have felt inadequate. Less than mediocre. I saw what I thought was acceptable for a woman and I tried to make that my life. I worked really hard- I said all the right things, wore the right clothes, kept my mouth shut and people generally liked me for it. I was a nonperson.

When I think about it, I was lying to myself and on a larger scale, I was lying to God. The truth is, God has something much bigger in store for me than the life I was allowing myself.
All I have are the promises that God has given me. And those promises tell me that my life is not going to be a cookie cutter suburban life-- the life I so desperately wanted.

I don't generally share my life. At least not what I am writing.
Here goes.

After my mom and dad divorced, I had a a lot of bitterness inside. It ate at me. I cried non-stop. I wouldn't speak to my dad and I gave up any desire of a childhood. I become a second mother to my siblings. I thought of myself as a stand- in for my mom- she worked long hours to pay the bills and I felt it was my duty to take care of the rest.
School become a joke. I went because it was against the law for me stay home. I did homework when I didn't feel exhausted- otherwise, I just didn't do it. I withdrew into myself. I became a recluse. I had no social skills. No friends.
I was just living. Barely.
My path was chosen. My mother was raised to believe that a woman's place was with her family- she didn't work when I was small and if not for my dad's indiscretion, she wouldn't have ever. But life changes.
In my mind, it all made perfect sense. I would grow up, get married, take care of the my husband, have children and keep my house.
But life changes.
People change.
I did.

High school began and I had come to the point in my life where I thought I was stupid-- I wasn't supposed to be smart anyway. Besides, it didn't matter as long as I graduated- I was good.
And then I met people who changed my life, who challenged my perceptions of Christianity, of role places, of myself.

I found out pretty quickly that I was smart. I was a natural born leader- in some areas. And people liked me.
As I gained confidence in myself, I gained confidence in my relationship with God. I felt like I could do anything. Suddenly things were different.

I saw myself attending college, of having a career. I had never allowed myself to voice that hope. That desire inside of me. Besides, in my family women didn't really continue their education.
As a matter of fact, my dad didn't even think me good enough to buy a car. Because I was a girl. And not a son.
To this day it hurts me to think that I was passed over- never good enough merely because I was a girl. That every time we did father-daughter things... he was just waiting for my mother to have him a son. I was his pseudo-son. A stand-in until the real thing came along.

In high school I had this belief inside that I was right, that my faith was more pure than another Christian's faith simply because I was a pentecostal and they were, let's say, Baptist. I was in the right, they were in the wrong. They had no idea how wrong their doctrine was. I had a list of rules a mile long so I was, of course, the right one.

Coming to college was a wake up call. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically- I realized life is more than a list of rules.
I'm not knocking rules. I just think that if we let the rules keep us from helping someone in need then the rules are wrong.

This is what I have learned about myself.

I can't be a stand-in Christian. I have been a stand in my whole life. I was a stand-in mom for my mother, a stand-in "son" for my dad, and up to this point a stand-in Christian. I was playing a part, not really choosing my faith but accepting it.

But now I know who I am, what I am, and where I am going.

I have found that my wearing make-up isn't going to send me to hell. I can wear pants without allowing myself to feel condemned (this is a new one). I can hear a non-Christian song and not feel as though every person listening to it in the room is sinning. I don't drink and I don't smoke but that doesn't mean that a person who does is going to hell.
I have found that Gossip makes a person ugly. And that just because you're pentecostal doesn't mean you're closer to God. Sometimes it means you're farther away.
If being a Christian means you're more like Jesus then why do so many Christian look like Judas?
I have learned that we all make mistakes. ALL of us. Even those who feel as though their being a Christian gives them the right to do and say what they want without consequences.

But I have also learned that being a Christian gives the opportunity for beautiful ministry. A type of loving that only a Christian can give. Hope. Peace. Joy. Gladness. Family.
Unconditional acceptance.
--
This year has been a hard one in my life. In the life of my family. We've had to work through a lot of hurt, a lot of betrayal, of anger. But I know we're going to be okay.
Some days I don't know what I am doing here anymore. I don't know who I am. And then I realize that trials happen. Everyday. The difference is that I know I have my Father to take care of me. He'll never leave me.
He's beautiful. I see him and I can't think of anything else I want.
The life I have lived, the desires of my heart are gone in an istant. Simply because He's my life and He is my ultimate desire.
How AWESOME is that.
I can't see anything for his shine. For the absolute radiance He gives.
I want to be like that!
---
it boils down to this:
I am NOT the same Roxie that came into Lee University.
I love more. I hurt more. I know more.
I can't turn a blind eye anymore to pain and suffering. Instead, I want to run to those in trouble and offer them love, kindness, and a message of hope. A message that is Jesus himself.
Everyday I wake up and I know that my life could have been different. It's full of what-ifs and maybes and should haves. Instead of wallowing in the heartache of what could have been, God has shown me who I can be now.
Does this make me a better Christian? Less of a Christian? I guess it depends on you. Your opinion of me. But in the end it doesn't matter what you think, it's all about God and what He thinks.
And I'm cool with that

Ghosts in the Closets?

2009-07-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Who knew that I would wake up today and have to make a trip to the hospital? I can promise you that a trip to Knoxville was not on my list of things to do today. Not at all. And yet it became necessary. Life's like that I guess.
I had a long heart to heart with my Grandfather... even though he was in a coma. There were so many things to say.. things I had never taken the opportunity to say before....things I didn't want to regret having not said. ** Good news is that he came through his next surgery alright. He wasn't awake when I left but I feel peace about it. I hope that I can say all those things to him again... when he's conscious.
I keep thinking though. I don't know where he is with the Lord. My family isn't exactly the poster family for bliss and happiness. I worry about them. I pray for them. Somehow I missed actually talking with them. I guess I just got to where I saw it as the same ole speech. I thought to myself, "they don't want to hear about it again... it's been drilled into them enough that they need Jesus.." And I guess it's true. Only.....I could have said something. Anything. I don't know. He's my only remaining grandfather and I don't want to lose him without knowing I'll see him again. :sigh:
I have given him to God. Many a time. I suppose what I need to learn now is to leave him (and them) to God.... even when things get scary.
There's a verse that keeps coming to mind.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his step
-Proverbs 16:9

I can't help but compare this to those in my family. They might think they don't need Him... but God knows different. Even if it hurts, even if it makes me cry, I want them to find Him. Even if it takes everything, it would be enough.

Also, I have family I didn't know. Oh but they knew me... Strange. I don't recall ever seeing them in my life. My aunts... and cousins...
I thought I only had uncles.
That's a story for another time.
Sleep tight.
-R

Opuntiales

2009-06-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

Before work I convinced Sierra that an exploration of Cleveland on foot was vital. These photos are the product of our adventure.

******

I was captured by the peach trees.. and after being a creeper in this yard... we realized it was not a home and instead of flower shop. It also had grapes and all sorts of lovely stuff. (We're going to go back and buy a hydrangea bush.

My favorite shop was the little fudge shop.. it had picnic wear, sunglasses.. cups..and other random nic-nacs. (I'm going back for that picnic set)

***

What a great way to spend a Monday afternoon.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. One things for certain.. I'm charging my camera!

What! You Didn't Know? Frank's My Homeboy!

2009-06-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished cleaning my kitchen and I am glad that is over. It was an intense experience and the horrors of this day will never be erased from my mind. Girls are nasty. Enough said.
****
Today has been a pretty interesting day. I have had some realizations... good and not so good. I didn't realize that I was an introvert until today. I have my moments of extroversion.. and then people are like HEY! but otherwise, I keep to myself. This makes me wonder, what should I do with my life considering I crave silence. A few things popped into my head and I have compiled a list.
1. Own a bookshop where silence reigns supreme.
2. Devote myself to the church. (uhh... is this one legitimate considering I'm pentecostal?)
3. Move to the country (check!) and buy a small house where I will surround myself with flowers, a vegetable garden-yum!- and raise cats.
3. Develop an immunity to cats.
4. Become a writer and move to the wilderness to create the greatest novel of all time!
5. Marry a man who likes silence so we can have our silence together.
6. Marry a man who lets me have my ME time... and have a job that also allows for alone time.
7. If I don't marry a man who allows for my own space... I maybe shouldn't have married him.. so I will not marry that man. (How complicated)
8. Never marry and live in solitude with my hypo-allergenic cats.
9. Become a horse whisperer
10. Become a librarian
11. a massage therapist?
12. Work in a spa
13. Or a morgue
Well... what do you think?
Sorry Guys, this one was on the bit of the ridiculous side... but hey!

You'd Think the World Would Be Sick of Silly Love Songs

2009-06-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

If only life was like a Jane Austen novel. Girl meets boy, boy and girl quarrel, boy falls for girl, girl falls for boy, and then after a period of adversity- they marry. And all is right in the world.
But life isn't a book and happiness is what you make it. I will admit this only once (and luckily he doesn't read my blog) but John Mark was right. I should have given up silly love stories years ago. What nonsense!
Okay, I admit. I will still read Jane. She's my all time favorite. However, I am through waiting for something that isn't there.
To be quite honest, relationships are a lot of work. I am in no place to even begin to understand how to navigate those waters but that doesn't stop the sporadic desire to have one. Even now I feel no want of one but instead a small pricking in my subconscious and occasional musings that one would be a pleasant addition to my life.
Re-read what I just wrote-- "a pleasant addition?" Obviously I am not ready. Good thing because there is really no one I want.
So, here is my question: How does one know when they are ready for something that big to happen in their life? Do we ever know or does it just one day make sense?
I was speaking with my grandmother about it today and she informed me that when I met someone all the nonsense and confusion would fade into the background.
I keep trying to paint that picture in my head. All I get are images from Lori Wick and Deanne Gist novels. Life is not like that.
I am giggling at the thought of me falling (literally) into some strangers arms only to find he's "the one."
Oh JM, you were so right.
And I feel utterly ridiculous.
P.S. Jessy, I hope you find this entry to be less depressing than my recent themes. I had a serious giggle fest writing it. It makes me want to write fiction. If I ever make that happen, I'll let you know.
Although now that I think of it, the possibility of me falling into someone's arms isn't that ridiculous considering my gravity impaired tendencies!!! :O

Taking a Moment for Serious Talk

2009-05-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for a new post. One of the things that has most surprised me about blogging is that I can actually blog. I mean, I keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself.....but on here (minus the editing) I can be myself. Sort of.
Today (technically yesterday as it is sometime past two a.m) I worked the whole day away. I went in to my job this morning and worked diligently until 5:30 and then had dinner and went back until nine. Boo. After about an hour I once again was back at work to take care of a couple of matters- I then got back to hanging out with peeps (Sierra) around 11:45...
I came home about two a.m and and ran into my roommate Yuing. We were chatting and I told her how I hadn't had the time to clean my room or do laundry in days, which is a huge no-no in my book. She said that I shouldn't worry because no one knew it but me. I kind of laughed and we said goodnight. No big deal.
Only... it turns out it was a big deal. I couldn't get what she said out of my head. You see I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to look spotlessly clean on the outside but be filthy inside. No one sees the state of my bedroom or laundry but I know that it needs tending and mending. My spiritual life is the same. I know and God knows.
I think we would all be pretty frightened if the world could look inside of us and know what were thinking.. the bad things, the good things... our secret desires and hopes that we are ashamed of..
Why can't we just be real with one another?
I don't know about the rest of you but... I'm just me. I can't be you. I can't be my friends, My family. I'm just me.
Sooo....here goes.
Hello. I'm Roxanne, no e (technically). I'm turning 21 this year. I graduate in May. I don't know where I'll be next year, I don't know who I'll be next year. I love Jesus. I abhor meat-I'm working on that though. I have a huge crush on Italy. I want love but I fear it. I'm different. "Unique" I've been told. I like to read biographies-- and unsolved mysteries. I have a plant named Seraphina. I have a crooked tooth. I lose my glasses- always three or four months before my yearly appointment (just lost them two days ago! Eep!) I would rather read than hang out. Sorry guys. :)
Seriously though, I'm just me.
Who are you?

"Trust me, I've got this" - God

2009-05-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

God has been teaching me a lot about trust. God says, "Trust me and I will work it out" (paraphrased of course). And I've finally given up control. Life is still hard, I'm still concerned about the issues, but GOD is holding me up. And I am no longer afraid. The joy and peace that he has shown me is incredible. I cannot do anything without Him-- and why should I want to?

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my Hope.

Just a Few Wonderful Things

2009-05-10T19:32:00.001-07:00

New interesting and fun facts about my life!

1.) I am training to run a half-marathon with a group of people.
- I'm not going to lie it's intense
2.) I moved off campus and into a loft downtown.
3.) I have three Chinese roommates!
4.) I have one Nigerian roommate!
5.) I just tried some type of Chinese roll and it was fabulous.
- It had peppers and onions in it
6.) I'm doing some around-the-house chores for an elderly couple at NCT. They are very strong Christians
7.) I'm trying to get a second job this summer
8.) I'm taking summer classes!
9.) I'm going to Boston this summer!
10.) I turn 21 in September.

2009-04-16T11:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all. I can't move forward, I can't step backward, I just am. Or at least it feels that way. The truth is, sometimes you just have to stand there and wait until it passes over and then take a step.. and then another and another after that. It's not always going to be what we want it to be but we can sure try our hardest to make the best of it.

I want to change this world. I can't do everything but I can do something. Too many times I have let opportunites pass me by because I didn't feel productive or able but that's exactly the reason I should! I am looking for something to get involved in, something to better my surroundings. As a Christian, I have to. If I don't, am I really being a follower of Christ? Something to think about.

All I know is that I want to be a light in the darkness, not an ink blot on black paper.

How Did I Become Such a Cowardly Girl?

2009-03-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

When I hear couples talk about how they met and what falling in love was like for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I mean, I know that I will most likely get married someday- the statistics are in my favor- but it's the waiting that takes a lot out of the person. I mean, I get so frustrated waiting...and waiting...
But it's okay.. I think. I mean, I have a couple of more years before I will be able to support myself properly. I currently living hand to mouth so I am hardly in a position to think about meeting someone and having a family. Of this I am certain- I am content with my situation. I think I just get impatient. I'm human after all. If we could only see the big picture I am sure that His plan would be quite satisfactory to our selfish little minds and we would realize that waiting is perfectly acceptable. However, we do not. Instead we fly around like a chicken without a head waving and flailing our arms trying to compensate... for what?
As my mother points out to me often (I know this already Mom!) God did not intend for us to be alone. Okay. I get that.
The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Not really. I am a private person by nature. Friendly but private. I can handle alone. In fact, actually meeting the man that I will love for always is frightening. I will pledge my everything to him. He will be second to God in my life. How huge!
Okay, okay, I admit that I feel some excitement thinking about it. Who wouldn't? I want love in my life. Of course. Maybe. I think.
I guess what I am saying is, I would welcome finding my soul mate, I am terrified of meeting him, I am afraid that I won't, I know that it is likely God has that in store for me, but I enjoy my solitude. Oh my selfish, selfish heart! But it is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
One way or another, I just want to know the future. Silly to think like this.
God knows everything. He knows me.
Right now he knows all the mischief I am into (my silly, errant thoughts!), and what I want out of life.
To be one woman, I am overwhelmingly afflicted with the ridiculous!
:sigh:

2009-03-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

I think I should clarify how I am feeling right now. I am fine. Please don't worry. Yes, I am stressed out, I do wish I could do something fun and exciting. Of course I miss my family. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am tired. School is stressful, life is hard, work is repetitive and fun is relative. The good news is, I am perfectly capable of handling it. Regardless of how my last entry sounds. If I feel something, I write it. It just so happens that I decided to blog on a very stressful day.
Thanks for caring guys. That was so precious of you.
Much Love,
Roxie

2009-03-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am at this point in my life where I am not sure who I am anymore. I DO NOT know myself. Who am I? What am I passionate about? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends or trust anyone? Sometimes I feel as though I am never going to get it right. I am myself. And that scares me more than anything else. I run from "fitting" in so fast that sometimes I am so afraid of letting anyone really see me. I am Me. Whether or not I am "cool" or beautiful or thin or fat or awkward or lonely, I am always going to be myself. How frightening.
Is it pathetic that I think no one would want to date me? Ever. If someone shows interest in me I assume it's a joke. How unfair. To myself and to that person. I put on a mask of coldness and indifference that I just don't feel. I am so terrified of it. All of it.
I don't know why I am blogging this. It's not exactly fun and warm.
I am, of course, Happy. In a relatively speaking sort of way. Happy as in content with myself and my goals, my chosen career path. Of course. But about the little things... hanging out, making new friends, excitement... I have not one of those things happening.
Maybe I'm a prude. It's possible. I don't have a social life- unless you call.... nope, there's nothing to compare it with. Not one little miniscule ounce of fun in my life. Nothing. I go to class, I go to work, I come home. I read. I sleep. I cry. I hardly laugh.
I read somewhere that a woman needs a certain amount of touches a day. No one touches me. Ever. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
I never thought that I could get so lonely. And tired. Just tired of it all.
I don't even want to read anymore. I have been reading since I was three and have never had this happen to me. Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I hurt.

I can't believe I even wrote this down. I am so tired of the quiet. I am sick of the loneliness.
And I want/need a hug. Very badly

Disney and God

2009-02-14T21:51:00.001-08:00

CeCe and I had some one-on-one girl bonding time today. I mean, it's not like we hang out almost every day- not us, no way. Lol. Anyway, we went on a crazy Disney movie hunt. We wanted Lion King- my tape of the movie has bit the dust. Sadly.- but we could not find it. We did, however, come across The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Sword in the Stone, and Pocahontas. I think we did quite well. I own a lot of the classics on DVD and I have Beauty and the Beast on tape- it came out of the vault before we got a DVD player (this was some time ago) and hasn't come back since- but I didn't own these specific DVDs.

We took the Hunchback of Notre Dame to CeCe's house because my roommate was using my living room.

This summer I visited Paris and I sat in front of Notre Dame and admired it's beauty for what felt like centuries- it was even more glorious than the Eiffel Tower in my opinion. Anyway, when the movie came on I started recanting every line detail of my trip to Sierra until I realized what I was doing. I then apologized and tried to keep my coments to myself.

When Quasimodo was pelted with those vegetables and fruit... well, I was so upset and sad. Esmeralda sang a song in the church that reflected my own feelings about Christianity. Those other patrons were asking for wealth and glory and power in their song but she just wanted those less fortunate to be treated fairly and given an equal opportunity to succeed. That is all she asked for in her prayer. Who knew Disney could be so deep?

Another thing that I noticed was the song of self-righteousness that the Judge sings. It almost made me vomit. I know so many Christians who act just as he does. They parade around in their outward appearance of piety yet the only thing that have at the end of the day is a set of rules and a certain clothing style. There is no humility, no acceptance of those different.

The greatest part of the movie came at the end. Esmeralda stood up for the one who was different- Quasimoto- and had done it regardless of the consequences. At the end of the movie, Quasi comes out of the church-his sanctuary- and faces those who had hurled vegetables at him just days before. Only this time, a little girl came from the crowd and embraced him.

At that moment I burst out crying. The tears came running down my face and I realized that no matter what a person believes or how he appears, I am going to accept them- not because they look like me, not because they act as I do- but because they are a child of God regardless of their chosen path.

As I write this, I think of all the Quasimotos out there that are looking in at us- the "supposed" Christians- and want to be a part of what we have but feel excluded.

I'd like to be their Esmeralda.

Mi Familia

2009-01-31T19:31:00.000-08:00

Today my family came to visit me. I really miss being with them all the time. I know it will be even harder when I go to Graduate school (if I go) and I won't see them half as often. I got to have a one-on-one chat with Brian, who I haven't seen in weeks, and I hugged my sister to death. Jon ran around and eat all my food (which is expected of a growing boy) and Mom was mom. It was fabulous.

I have to brag on my mother for a minute. Do you see this photo? Our ages are beside us.. I think I was thirteen...

My mother is one of the strongest people I know. She sacrificed a lot for us over the years- even to the point of suffering herself. I don't think that I can ever, ever repay my mother for all of her sacrifices. Even when we didn't have anything- she kept on. She is the most incredible person I know. I want her to be happy and free and loved. I want her to know how beautiful she is.

After all of the things my family has endured, I think we turned out okay. Yes, we have scars- scars that will follow us always- but I think that it has made us a better family. I struggle with despair and anger, hurt and humiliation, low self-esteem and doubt every single day of my life. But, without God those things wouldn't have fashioned me into who I am. And even though I am overcome with life sometimes, God doesn't let me go. Even if I am not what I want to be, even if I am not loved the way I deserve, I cannot lose. The love my Savior shows me fills up all the wounds and soothes all the scars that have ever been inflicted upon me.

My prayer is that I can somehow show my family that the love that God has for them.... even when everything else looks impossible to overcome...is able to protect and guide them. Even when the world crashes down around them.

Savior Please, Keeping Saving Me

2009-01-28T20:25:00.001-08:00

I've been slacking on my blogging lately. I have wrote countless blogs but my mood has been a little dark for the happy world of blogging.
But I am better now and ready to embrace.... life.

I am working now. I LOVE it. Honestly, I never knew how much I missed working until I had a job again. Currently I am battling a slight back injury- non-work related accident. Honestly, I don't know how this happened. Regardless I have been holed up in my bedroom the past couple of days, venturing out only to my classes....or to get pain relievers and etc. Normally I shun medicinal help. I think it may be due to my pride but I would rather suffer through an illness than accept medication. Considering I am taking meds for my back... well, it's been tough.
I am currently working on getting several projects finished for school and I have so much reading to catch up on. I have no idea what I have been doing the past few days... oddly, I can't remember doing anything in specific.
I hope no one reads this and thinks I am going off the deep end!

I'm filing my taxes for the first time on my own this year. It's kind of a big deal for me. I am so nervous. I guess I never thought I would be doing this. I have always been really independent but now that full independence has been thrust upon me, I am somewhat scared.
It's odd. I know I can handle it and everyone else seems to think I have my life under control but it would be nice if someone thought of me every now and then. (hehe. It's late and I'm talking out of my mind...again...)

I suppose I am staying in Cleveland this summer... there is really no other alternative and I have furniture to think of. Honestly, I don't even know how I will transport it to my new home.... which I suppose I will rent an apartment this summer... and keep it through next year...
Which makes me wonder how much a one bed room apartment costs?
I wanted to work at a camp this summer for children with special needs but I don't think that will be an option now. Considering.

I think the song that describes me right now is Savior Please by Josh Wilson.
If you have not heard it... please find it. It is incredible

"I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough. I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me."

(That is my prayer. Isn't God just the healer of my life. So much love and strength)

"Everything you are to me, Is everything I'll ever need. And I am learning to believe that I don't have to prove a thing. Cause you're the one who's saving me..."

I just re-read all of my earlier worries.... and they just don't seem so big anymore.

Da, Da, da, Da DAAA

2009-01-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

I thought that I was going to be overwhelmed with worry and insecurities but everything is fine. Granted there are issues to work out and things I am concerned about but it is not crushing me. It's funny how God does little things like that for you.

I started my own cell phone plan today. I am now a proud employee of Hollywood Video (come see me!) and I'm paying my own credit card bills, buying my own gas, and it feels wonderful. Cutting back is not an issue- I know how to do that. Mom and I have been handling our business for a long time and we can do it still.
Basically, it just feels good to be out from under the hand of oppression that I've been trying to escape for as long as- well, for a while.

I knew that God loved me a month ago... and I know even more NOW that He loves me because of the amazing things he's doing for me in the midst of confusion.
I think- I know that asking God to love me and be my greatest friend and lover was the best decision I ever made.

2009-01-18T12:50:00.001-08:00

Last night, I was up late and could not fall asleep. I began looking through old stuff and perusing my Better Homes and Gardens magazines-yet again. And then I saw my Bible sitting on my bedside table. And I felt ashamed of myself. I had been trying to get my mind off of all my problems and worries and yet I had hadn't taken all of them to my Father. Being the person I am -independent and strong willed- I was trying to fix everything all by myself. I was already planning it out- "I need to call and cancel this, I should do that instead of the other, this is a frivolity that I can discard."
I still had my faith, I still had my trust in God, I still felt close to Him, but I wasn't letting Him take over.
I picked up my Bible and opened it to the Psalms- it always automatically opens there- and started to go to Job. (Job is my favorite)
But something caught my eye on the page.
And this was it:

Before the mountains were brought forth, Or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, Even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

Psalm 90:2

And in that moment, I knew that regardless of what I perceived as essential or unessential, that what I saw as a mountain that was just too BIG for me to handle- God knew my fears, He knew my heart and He loves me enough to knock me off my pedestal so he can lift me up.

Life with God is so much better than the alternative.

2009-01-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while. And I don't really have a lot to say. Well, I have a lot on my mind... but nothing to say.
Except.
God hasn't ever failed me. And He never will. Regardless of everything, He is still holding me.
And I think at this point, that is enough.

A Couple Of Things I Love

2009-01-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

For years I have been trying to decide what my favorite flower is-- Well, this is it. A Tiger Lily. I see this flower and it brings tears to my eyes. And it fills me with admiration for my wonderful Father. I could never envision such beauty. Yet, He did!

I love cappuccinos! And isn't it beautiful with the heart? I had this capp. several times while in Poltava, Ukraine. It was definitely better than Starbucks!

The Beautiful Gardens of Livadia Palace

2008-12-25T22:45:00.001-08:00

We weren't allowed to walk into this courtyard- it was closed off. However, it was beautiful to look into.

The most adorable bench in the whole garden. (And wasn't made of granite like the others; I bet it didn't cost what they did either).

This was a moss bed that was growing down the side of the garden.... I wanted to lay in it and snuggle down inside it

Livadia Palace. Summer home of Anastasia. (Pardon the smudge spot in the center. I didn't realize it at the time).

It didn't add the picture (on the last blog) as it was supposed to. So... here it is. It's beautiful, right?

I am Blogging from Microsoft Word!

2008-12-25T22:42:00.001-08:00

Since I am home for Christmas Break and have nothing better to do with my time, I have decided to set up the blog option on my Microsoft Word 2007! I thought, "Roxie, you're not dumb. You can handle the computer. " It's been interesting figuring this thing out.

Isn't this photo great? I took it at the Palace in Yalta, Ukraine. It was part of the pathway. Tsar Nicholas and his family (the last Romanov family to rule in Russia) used this palace as a summer home. I thought it was fascinating to see this family up close and personal.

This is only a practice post. Don't hate on it too much. I hope it turns out well.

Roxie

To My Friend Jessy :)

2008-12-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

I am so excited that I got the one gift that I wanted for Christmas. And kudos to Jessy for keeping the faith. We did it! Lol (although WE had absolutely NOTHING to do with the outcome). This post is specifically for Jessy.
:)

PARIS... just a couple of shots

2008-12-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist getting a shot in front of the Eiffel Tower.... we had to walk across two streets and up a park to get this shot

Notre Dame. I sat on a concrete pillar and just looked at this beautiful church for half and hour while the rest of the group look at gift shops. I think I chose the greater.

This is a picture I took directly under the Eiffel Tower...

one of my first glimpses of the Eiffel Tower

2008-12-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

I miss my bed. I miss its softness. My body pillow and down pillow. I miss my memory foam mattress topper. I miss my room.

I love being here with my family- especially during the Christmas season. Not to mention the fact that my grandmother is in the hospital. So, yeah, it's good that I am here for the holidays.

I just want my books. and my kitchen. My apple slicer. I am really missing my apple slicer. Eating apples is just not the same without my crazy amazing apple slicer. I miss my teapot. I miss the sound of it whistling when my tea is ready. I miss my tea. I forgot to bring it with me to mom's house.

I miss my moon chair. My movies. My computer printer. My craft box! Oh, how I miss my craft box!

I know. I am whining about material things. I know. The thing is, I just miss having my own house. I tried to bring a little bit of home with me. I brought some of my favorite books with me- although now that I am here, I just want to read the ones I left behind.

I just want a cup of tea.

Romancing... Me?

2008-12-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

It finally occurred to me today- the reason why love songs are so popular. And this isn't just a poke at women- men think about these things too. Everyone wants romance. They want to experience that giddiness that comes with having a crush. It's intoxicating- and lethal. One thing that I have noticed is that we are always looking- no matter how hard we try not to. I wish that we could stop viewing each other as potential romances and see each other in a much more fullfilling light. I am not putting down romance- I think there's a time and a place for everything. Only, shouldn't a romance be founded in friendship? I have noticed that love songs are always speaking of chance meetings in the moonlight that ignites a spark of complete devotion--- What?! That doesn't even make any sense to me. When I was younger I used to think in this mentality- I mean, movies make it seem so appealing- but growing up has shown me that no romance can be lasting if you don't know the other person.
First of all, as a Christian, I have an obligation to prayerfully seek God about all my relationships- even friendships. I was listening to Wait for Me by Rebecca St. James today while I was reading and thinking about my life. And the conclusion that I have come to is- What does it matter if I find romance today or in ten years? God is complete control of my life- and that is such a comfort.
I have a friend, Jessy, who has adopted a lot of her guy friends as brothers- what a practical idea! Instead of seeing the men around us as potential husbands, we should be seeing them as brothers in Christ. Instead of clouding up our relationships with infatuations, let's build deep friendships. Lots of women say they want their husbands to be their best friend- yet they don't take time to build a friendship with him before jumping into a relationship.
So, I think if I have to pick a love song for myself- I would pick I Will Waste My Life by Misty Edwards. First and foremost I want my romance to be with Jesus. The rest can come later- when God says it's time

My Crazy Night

2008-12-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

So, this is what happened....
Brian has his friend D.J. over, who reminds me somewhat of Micah, but just not quite as cool, and they played guitar in Brian's room for hours. However, what I didn't seem to grasp was that Jonathan was somehow a part of this atmosphere.... which can only mean one thing-- Brian is going to pick on him somehow....
I was up fairly late- doing some youtubing and reading blogs.. whatever- and Jon was faithfully sitting with me.. reading the blogs...taking random myspace quizzes..like, "what's your love song." We got the same one by the way. Apparently the two of us are tired of waiting for love.
I finally told him that it was time for him to go to bed... he's only nine after all...
Well, he breaks down.. tears up... grabs my hand and begs me to come with him-- my thoughts were something like, "There is no way he is dragging me up to his room tonight to play video games... I already played Yoshi's story on Nintendo with him tonight.." So I refuse to accompany him. He starts crying and pleading for me to come... I decided something was definitely up.
He then tells me, in sporadic phrases that Brian told him about some old white house where we used to live that was haunted... and he just couldn't stop thinking about it.... At this time I am so confused-- What house? where? When did this happen?
I ended up journeying to his room... where I promised to sleep with him... for a while...
The two of us are cuddled up on his bed... and I am looking off in the distance thinking about life.. and how much I would like to be doing my own thing... when I notice... He's sleeping... deeply....
I start itching out of the bed... little by little... He jerks awake! He looks at me and says, "Roxie, where're you going?" I sigh, lay back down and say, "No where, Jon. No where."
He falls back asleep.. I wait a while longer.... I start to get up, he open his eyes... I lay back down...
Ten minutes later.. the same thing. I got a little smarter this time... I decided to lay on my stomach... I stretched my right leg over the side... I learn-- He wakes up again....
Drat!
Finally, I decide to chance it-- I place my foot on the ground... I lean... I move... He wakes up again... I fall onto the floor... He says, "Roxie, what're you doing?"
"I'm gonna sleep on the floor Jon." "OH, okay.....wait, what will you sleep with?" "I'll....." I look around frantically-- "I'll use your spare pillow.. and this to cover with" (I pointed to his jacket-- He was too sleep induced to notice). "That's good..." He replied.
SO, I lay in the floor... feeling sorry for myself and wanting to escape..
Once again... I started inching my way towards the door... I'm crawling... Jon's sleeping... and then-- My knee pops! Jon sits up.... I say, (like the trapped mouse I am) "Hey, just moving my pillow..." He lays back down..
After a while I get up... he asks what I'm doing.. I say, I've got to get some stuff...
I retrieved my laptop.. my cell.. and a blanket..
When I returned he was waiting.. definitely not sleeping.....
So, here I sit... or rather lay.... on the surprisingly comfy carpet of my youngest brother's bedroom.. blogging about my unfortunate circumstances... while Brian.... the cause of it all.. laughs and plays guitar down the hall with his buddy.
Being the "Big Sis" is a tough job.

Just a Thought

2008-12-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I get too caught up in the mundane and forget to see the extraodinary.

2008-12-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

This morning I was reading the book of Samuel and I cannot describe how Hannah makes me feel. I used to think, 'Wow, she is a tough woman to give her only (that she expected, anyway) son to the Lord, only to visit him once a year.' Now, I do not have any children but I know that I would have a lot of trouble giving up my child. I have a hard enough time dealing with the fact that Jon is growing up so fast. It's ridiculous how much he doesn't need me. Today I noticed that she has an even bigger story that just being a self-less mother. Hannah loved God. She trusted God. I sometimes have a hard time trusting others... I am not sure why.. and I think I have abandonment issues. I put up walls and I refuse to get close to others. No, I take that back-- I refuse to get close to men. It is hard for me to admit that but it is true. So, maybe, somewhere in the back of my mind I have let that affect my relationship with God too. I know that God loves me and cares for me but I mean, would I give my child to God? I think so. If there is anyone I can trust, it's Him.
Hannah prayed, gave her problem to God, and then she got up... and went home. Just like that. And to make this story even better, God granted her deepest desire-- and that was a son, a son to give back to Him. I have never in my life wanted anything as much as I want to be loved by God. And not just loved but embraced and spoken to. I want God to be my very, very best friend. I want God to be my husband. My confidant. My comforter. That is my deepest desire.

Eli told Hannah to "go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have asked of Him." (1 Sam. 1:17).
"Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4

My petition and desire is Him. Day after Day I grow in my intensity for Him.

And while I am finding this in Him, I am learning that sometimes trust is a step into the unknown... I can learn to trust others because God isn't my earthly father and every man isn't my dad. God is the only Father that can effect my life and change it. And honestly, that makes me want to mend every broken bridge with my dad.

You know, I thought that when my parents divorced that I was no longer a daddy's girl.. funny thing is.. God just decided to step in and take over. And it's so much better.

Christmas Break... :sighs:

2008-11-29T09:50:00.001-08:00

I have been wanting for blog for a few days now but I really haven't had anything of import to write. I guess I still don't but I did have a great Thanksgiving with my family. I made lemon cake to take to family dinner at my Grandma's. I should have made two- I had forgotten that it is the preferred cake of my family. I personally think it's great that it is the family favorite.... at least we have that in common. I had planned on having a little Thanksgiving/Christmas party at my apartment before I went home for break but it looks like it's not going to work out after all. I am somewhat sad about that. However, I plan on making a fantastic green bean casserole for Christmas dinner. My dad has had bad experiences with those though... However, he would never refuse to try MY casserole. Besides, I kind of blackmailed him.... he gets lemon cake only if he tries my casserole. I mean, just because you've had a bad experience doesn't mean you should discount it completely. My argument is that he could be missing out on the best casserole of his life by refusing mine.

I am so ready to relax and enjoy my break. Oh! I am going to Wheaton College (Wheaton, IL) in January to check out their graduate program. You see, I am going to be graduating early--in Fall of 2009. The graduate program that I want to do is counseling ministries. If I get into the program it would mean moving to Illinois. Now, Wheaton is a fairly good size city on it's own--the biggest I will have lived in. However, 25 miles north of Wheaton, sits Chicago. Yes, the little southern girl will be moving to North and into a suburb of Chicago.

Don't worry-- I am definitely praying about everything before I make any big decisions.

I Will Waste My Life

2008-11-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

I found this song today... and it completely describes what I want with Jesus... this is the relationship I want. I know sometimes people do not like lyrics posted on blogs... but this... wow..

I Will Waste My Life by Misty Edwards

I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.

I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.

I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I
Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I press on, yes I press on.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
just let me cling to you, Jesus,
I want to cling to you...

Cell phones and Novels and the Bible

2008-11-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

When someone asks me what my favorite book is I always answer, "Pride and Prejudice." It is an automatic, compulsive thing. I was thinking today that I want my Bible to be my favorite book. I want it to the first book that I think of. I want the mere mention of it to make me pull it out and start reading it.

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook and I have to admit, I need to work on this.

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat
our cell phones?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
This is something to make you go .hmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever
have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus
already paid the bill! Makes you stop & think "where are my priorities?"

And no dropped calls!

Don't Get Comfortable

2008-11-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

BRANDON HEATH LYRICS - DON’T GET COMFORTABLE

Na na na na na na na na nanaaah
Na na na na na na na na nanaaah

Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time.

So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna’ love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

Na na na na na na na na nanaaah
Na na na na na na na na nanaaah

Can you feel the call of love?
Is it moving you to be a child of God of love?
Is it reaching you?
It’s everywhere the call of love.

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love like you’ve never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I’ve got a song for you

Coz I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna’ love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

Na na na na na na na na nanaah

You’ve got a new song

Na na na na na na na na nanaa

I love this song! It is such a powerful song. I just love Brandon Heath!

Advent Conspiracy

2008-11-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

Let's do this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU

Jesus is My Cup of Tea

2008-11-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

I thought I would mention this as an fyi to Jessy: John may be on to something about the whole marriage thing. Not because you shouldn't ever get married early but because of statistics. According to research, men are less likely to be mature enough for marriage before the age of 25. And marriages of men younger than that have a tendency to be self centered and friction filled. Of course, I do not know the age for women and can't really give you a number on that one. I am sure it is younger, considering that women mature much earlier than men. This is something that I learned in my stats class last year.

Moving on, I am really excited about being a Christian. I know, I bet you are thinking, 'Hasn't Roxie been a Christian since she was nine? And furthermore, raised in church her whole life?'
It doesn't matter how long I have been doing "church," what matters is my heart and my relationship with Christ. And lately I have been struggling. Not so much in my love for Jesus, I know that I love Him more than anyone else, but for my passion as a Christian.
I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like I had nothing left to give. I want to be passionate about serving others, I want to be excited and exhilarated at the thought of spreading the gospel. I just want to love others.
When I think about the things that I love, the people that I love, I know that I would do make tremendous sacrifices for them... and I have realized recently that I feel the same about Christ... there is nothing that I wouldn't do for Him.
It is exciting and fresh. I am so excited because I realize, perhaps for the first time, that being a Christian is a privilege.... it's not something that I do because I feel like it, or was raised into it, I do it because loving Jesus and working for the kingdom are the most important things to my being here on this earth.

Finals

2008-11-10T18:20:00.000-08:00

The semester is ending so things are getting a little more hectic. I keep running around in circles and accomplishing nothing. It baffles me that I can get so distracted. I have several papers to write but the inspiration and wit are just not there. I need prayer, friends. Mostly, prayer that I get a more focused attention span. Mainly a focus on my studies.. although meaningful hang out sessions (where I actually know what is being said to me) would be nice too.

Books, Books, Books!

2008-11-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

It has been one exciting day. Well, not really exciting BUT I did go to smoothie king after my work out today and I felt refreshed from my amazing smoothie. I really to purchase a blender, that would be the icing to end this year... include a toaster and I am set. I wonder if I can convince my family to get me those for Christmas? It is worth a try I suppose. I have now accumulated enough books that I need to purchase another bookshelf.. I have some books in my closet and others down stairs on Sierra's shelf. My big shelf is full and there are books stacked randomly on every shelf due to the lack of space shelf for them. So, I guess it is time to buy another shelf, especially since Sierra is moving out at the end of the semester and taking her shelf with her... that means there will be (roughly) twenty books from that shelf plus about forty more that need a place. :Sighs: I love my books and I will not sell them until I am starving... which could, you know, be anytime. My priorities are books first then food... that is not a healthy habit.
I haven't bought a book in ages.... I am trying this new thing called the "library" .... it is not exactly my preferred method of acquiring books.... I like to keep the books I have read and it irks me when I remember scenes from a book I have read but can't remember the title. If I owned it, I would know it, hands down, no question. But it drives me crazy to dream entire books out, remember their names, time period of the book, and location but NOT know the name and author! I do this all the time and it hurts my heart. One time I reread a book and got some serious deja vu before I realized I had read it before.
Anyway, a friend got me an amazon gift card for my birthday and I used it. I have a new book coming in the mail and I can not wait until it gets here.

Election 2008

2008-11-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

Well, we have a new President now...

I can't say I am surprised. I will say that I voted for McCain. I am really sad. However, I am confident that God is going to work everything for His good. So, I am not going to freak out about this. McCain is very respectful and did not bash on Obama and that speaks for his integrity. it is a historical election and I hope very much that Obama is a great President. Only God can take care of America and I am putting my trust in Him and no man.

Is It Samson, Or Is It Thor?

2008-11-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

So, tomorrow I am going to be teaching my Sunday school about Samson. And honestly, I have always pictured Samson as a "Thor" type of man. I know, why in the world would I put those two together as the same man? Well, I have no one idea.

Regardless I am so excited about tomorrow because I am taking a (Hannah Montana) wig to use as Samson's hair. Let's just hope that this works out well.

My family has a play at their church tonight and I couldn't get up there to see them. Sadness. Tomorrow I have so much to accomplish. The good news is that I might be going to the book store in a bit, which is a huge incentive to last the evening out. :)

North and South

2008-10-27T13:46:00.003-07:00

I am reading a novel called North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell. No, it is not a modern day piece of fiction without morals or values as you would expect of today's authors. This book was written in 1855 so it is full of gentlemen and ladies who want to help those less fortunate and helpless. I am quite in love with this book because the author was the daughter of a minister and was taught to be benevolent and she was educated by her relations. So, all in all it is completely well rounded. The hero in the book is incredible and he really doesn't do what most would term heroic. He takes care of his mother and provides for her, works extremely hard, and falls in love with the heroine. Pretty normal stuff. But completely wonderful and honorable all the same. It is the depth of his love for her that really touched me. The hero, John Thornton, falls in love with Margaret Hale, the daughter of a minister. He respects her and her opinion on all matters. It is quite fantastic. I have not finished the book as of yet but I feel that it will be soon that I will. I have, of course, watched the movie version and liked it immensely. (However, I usually do not watch the movie first but I had no idea at the time that it was based off a novel)

The image is from the popular BBC version (which I HIGHLY recommend).

Living on Magnolia Ave

2008-10-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my room eating popcorn and drinking apple juice. The truth is, orange juice is my favorite but it was more expensive... hence the apple. I look around my apartment and notice all the things that don't match or make sense as part of the decor and I realize that all the odd, mismatched furniture is what makes my apartment home. Almost all of the furniture in our living room belongs to me but none of it matches. We have a red moon chair, a mahogany entertainment center, two light brown bookshelves, a white and pink-ish couch, two black end-tables, a hunter green quilt rack, and a black futon. (Next on my list is a circular rug for the center). It's funny how I never planned to have such add furnishings in my home but somehow it just happened. Growing up I always planned to have the matching couches and tables and curtains... but now I think that it would be crazy boring if I did! Now, I am not knocking coordination- my mother has the matching theme in her house. And it looks fantastic.
I just like that my little home reflects me (and thankfully my roommates as well) and how I view life-- this crazy mess that we navigate daily and TRY to understand.
Plus, when I make my tea in the evenings I like to sit in my moon chair with a book from my shelf.... If everything matched I wouldn't have that comfortable chair or relaxed atmosphere to enjoy.
Go random-ness!
So, recap:
I love my apartment... and I love my roommates. :)
p.s.
I was just talking to my mother on the phone a moment ago and I yawned... and then she yawned.... I guess that yawns are even contagious across the miles via telephone!

Medulla Oblongata

2008-10-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

Right now I am studying in the library at school. I am enjoying the quiet atmosphere and really calming myself down after the events of today. I really enjoy Lee University mostly because of it's gorgeous campus. Yes, I love the people but what really drew me to this school in the first place was it's beautiful greenery. So, as you can guess, fall is my favorite time on campus. The leaves are turning colors and the two trees in my yard are full of yellow and red leaves. I really want to climb the one tree outside my window. It is gorgeous! However, I haven't climbed a tree since I was about fourteen or so... it will definitely be an adventure to see if I can still do it!
Of course you may hear that I have seriously injured myself trying to do it.
I will keep you updated on that!
On another note: I am still looking for a part time job and I am not having much luck. It is starting to become a nuisance. I don't think I am the type of person to take time off. I thought it would be a good idea when I started out this semester but now I am just bored and ready to work again.
I just noticed that I have spent all my time in the library doing a million things other than studying.
Oh well, it was nice and peaceful in here anyway!

p.s. I was reading in my Biology class the other day and have decided that the Medulla Oblongata is my favorite part of the brain because it is the Respiratory control center. Yes, thank your Medulla Oblongata the next time you breath, folks!

I Have the Most Amazing Bed

2008-10-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Longest Day Ever. I had an eight o'clock class with a quiz, a nine o'clock class with an exam, an twelve o'clock with a paper due, a one o'clock lab where I watched two women give birth (still sick to my stomach over that one), and a three o'clock class. I was non stop all day- same every Wednesday. However, today was just especially long because I pulled a late night of studying (for that exam on at nine).
Today has been pretty amazing though. I went to a flag football game to watch my roommates play.
I really had something really awesome to blog about but I got distracted (as usual). I really need to do something about all this rabbit trailing I do when I am thinking aloud or conversing with others. Actually, I even do it when I am journaling. Do you know anyone who rabbit trails while journaling? Apparently I can't even focus when expressing my thoughts through written words.
Well, until next time
p.s. my bed pretty much is incredible. I am currently sitting on it while typing and that is how my title was born. Actually, I think I am going to sleep now.
Life is so simple when you think about it. Or rather it is simple when you don' think about it. When you do focus all your attention on it's woes...well, that is when you get overwhelmed...
Rabbit trails.. Did you notice?
Wrapping it up..
Later!

Sometimes Being Stubborn And Independent Can Be A Hindrance

2008-10-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

I am keep thinking that one day I am going to wake up and know exactly what I want to to for the rest of my life and how to accomplish this goal. You see, right now I am double majoring in Psychology and Early Childhood Education. I don't know if I even WANT to be a teacher. I only know that I love working with children. But more than that, I care about injustice to children- I want to be a part of protecting children from those who would hurt them. I am not sure if teaching is what I should be doing. What if it is something else? This is why I am double majoring. I can do ANYTHING with my life. Anything.
The funny thing is that I have finally given my life up to God to run it the way he sees fit. So, if God decides I will become a sales lady at JC Penny then that is what I will do. If he told me to give up school and move to Africa- well, that is what I would do. I suppose if he asked me to never work and stay at home I could do that too. (Even now I cringe at the thought)
The point is that I think I am finally ready to accept that God runs my life. He has plans for me and that I should be willing to use all of my gifts to honor him.

And Suddenly the world looks brighter.
However, there is still the question of what to do about my Ed. major.

Lots of Random Thoughts and Preferences

2008-10-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

It's Fall Break! I have been living it up I promise! I love my quiet apartment and my even more quiet campus. It is almost silent and my noisy neighbors are gone too. Finally, I can actually relax and enjoy life. Other than catching up on my reading,I have actually been getting out of my apartment. I have been working out this semester and I enjoy it immensely. I never should have stopped doing it. Let's see, I am a huge fan of smoothies.... blueberry heaven is the way to go-- I recommend it to anyone interested in trying a smoothie...
Later I may venture into Chattanooga with CeCe and Cassondra. I have no idea what we will do once we get there. By the way, I hd to go buy some floss last night and decided to chance it and try a new thing. Well, I bought this floss brush by reach and it is incredible. It makes it so easy to reach the back teeth ( I know, I am pleased by th little things-- my friends mention it often).
By the way, I am experimenting with some vegitarian dinners... would anyone like to brave this new world with me? Lol. (Come on, Jessie..haha)
Well, I have an appointment- later!

Procrastinating

2008-10-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

Early this evening I decided that I should begin my homework-- you know, be a productive student and actually act as if I deserve my Government aid! I know, I know it is my duty to be zealous in my studies. Regardless, I have a lot of stuff to accomplish tonight. I especially need to study for my exam that is on Monday night. Tomorrow afternoon I intend on going home (maybe) to see my family. I really miss them.
Besides this, I am really just enjoying being here in my apartment alone this weekend. I'm not going to lie... I was a little nervous about it in the beginning. However, in the end, my stubborn streak came out and I survived. LOL
I really wanted to Blog to say something great and profound... this usually happens after I get an emotional high (which doesn't happen that often). I watched While You Were Sleeping tonight. It is a crazy emotional movie that gets me going every time, kind of like Sleepless in Seattle. I always want to write out my emotion afterwards...
And sometimes I cry. And it's not always because of a love story... no, sometimes it's a comedy....or a tragedy... or even a sci-fi movie. For instance.... I cried in Madagascar. Why would someone cry in a comedic cartoon you may ask? Or, I cried in Star Wars 3. And relationally, I also learned to despise Anakin in that movie as well. Those poor little padawans. I will never forgive Him for that. Poor Padme!

Anyway, those kinds of things seem to bring the emotions out in me. lol
I had a great evening... except for the fact that Tennessee LOST to GEORGIA!!!!

Goodbye USA, Hello Japan?

2008-10-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided to keep my Psychology major and possibly stay only a semester longer at Lee.... However, I might be going to Japan this June to get a couple of Psych class credits...

I am going crazy with the excitement of the possibility! I'll keep the blog posted with updates and thoughts...

Now I've just got to make sure I will have the money to do it!
Keep me in your prayers!
Roxie

Change Isn't Always A Bad Thing

2008-10-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well, my life is interesting to say the least. I think I will just leave it at that. I can't tell you how much I miss my MDT friends. It is really disappointing that we don't seem to have that much in common anymore. I know that I have changed a lot in the past year and most of those changes happened while I have been away from them. I can say that I am now a more confident person and independent person than I was before. And I know not to settle for less than God's best- which is kind of incredible!
However, this does not mean that I don't want to continue to work on those relationships with my MDT friends- actually I think this gives us a better opportunity to grow as friends and as Christians. Maybe together we can learn what this "Christian life" is all about. I know I don't know how to do it all. Maybe we could be an encouragement to each other... and actually PRAY for one another. Huge concept there.
Well, big Mid-term tomorrow and convocation is ending in the morning... it has been an interesting one to say the least.

Pulling My Hair Out!

2008-10-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today has officially been one of the longest of my life. And it's not over yet! It's five pm now but I have to go to convocation at 7 pm. I have been going and going since 7:00 am this morning. :Sighs: I just neede to get that out. Phew! I feel better already.
Well, I have lots of homework to accomplish in the next two hours....
I will be blogging about something more meaningful next time... hopefully!

Give Me Your Eyes

2008-10-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath

Somehow in the midst of school and Ukraine and life, I missed this song coming out. But wouldn't you know that this song describes everything I have been feeling for months now? God has been showing me little by little what he wants from me. What I need to be doing for Him. How could I never see what was right in front of me?
I want to love people they way He wants me to. Not superficiallly, not half-heartedly. Completely and fully love people. So many people are hurting....
I want to start over and show others that God loves them, that God wants them in His family. My prayer is that God never lets my heart become cold and distant towards His people.

My prayer is that God will give me His eyes. Give me a heart for those who are hurting. Those are alone. Those that have no one.

What! Is that Wilbur?!

2008-10-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today was week two of my pig dissection... not exactly the highlight of my week. However, I realized that once I let myself become immersed in my task... Well, I forgot that I had my hands inside a dead baby pig. Instead I got to really take a look at some very vital organs and really understand the body. Since the human body much resembles the pigs body... it was a very good comparison.

We named our pig Bianca. Yes, she is a girl. I was really wanting a boy but it didn't work out. If she had been boy.... I wanted to name her Reginald. Such a noble pig name, don't you think?

Anyway, I am sure that I will never quite see bacon the same way again.

Not that I am a fan of pig foods anyway.

Moving on... today my apartment got cable... and all of a sudden, my little apartment felt like a real home. I think it was that in combination with the last couple of things we added to our living room... like the entertainment center. That was a great addition... and we were finally able to take the tv off of that little table.

Now all we have to do is hang some things on the walls... it is really bare and makes me feel like I live in an institution...or at least a place that doesn't allow things on the walls... which isn't at all inviting.

Tomorrow I have an exam... I should be studying for that.

September 29th 1988- The Beginning of the girl called Roxie

2008-09-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, today is my twentieth birthday. I have been waiting for this one for a while. Funny, I feel as though a cloak of responsibility has sat down upon my shoulders since 12:00 am this morning. All of a sudden, I can't use the excuse that I am too young anymore. Blast! Well, it was a good one while it lasted. Haha.
I would really like to say that I have increased in maturity and grown into an "exceptional young woman" but the truth is, I have so much to learn about being a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a Christian.
I don't always make the right decisions and I do not always readily forgive. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings and make wrong choices. And I have embarrassed myself so many times that I can only hope that people don't remember it later.
I am learning about being confident and to love who I am. This hasn't always been so. Someday I hope to be a role model for my sisters, brothers, and even my niece and nephew. Right now I don't find myself a worthy one.
I guess this birthday has made me want to better myself. To be who God really and truly wants me to be. I want to look inside myself and see all the ugly, unholy and disgraceful things and to peruse them, recognize them and then ask God to make me clean.
I do not enjoy God's chastisement but I do know that it is essential.
My willful spirit and independence sometimes makes it difficult for me to ask for forgiveness when I do wrong but I know that I want to be able to do it in an instant.
Yes, I did do a lot of soul searching and quiet contemplation today. It probably wasn't the most exciting birthday but it was a fulfilling one.
I wonder what God will show me on my next one?

Huh.

2008-09-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am studying for a Biology Exam tomorrow and one of the things that I have noticed is that boys seem to be at higher risks than girls for health problems. They weigh less when they are born and more likely to be premature. I don't understand why this is. In my Education classes I have also noticed that more males than females have disabilities.
Even during my time at Ludic (the autism school behind my Univesity), I have noticed that there are many more boys than girls.
I don't think there is a real explanation for it. It just puzzles me and interests me.

I Want To Be a God-Lover

2008-09-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have been reading this young adult series for a couple of months now and I am really enjoying getting into it and honestly learning more and more about God. I want to be a God-Lover. To be so enveloped in Christ that He is my everything. This weekend I am going down to Atlanta to work in the inner-city government housing. I am so nervouse about it. I don't know how I am going to reach anyone. How can I make a difference? What can I do to show them that Jesus loves them so ?
The answer: Nothing. Only God can. Funny, I used to think I was supposed to convert the earth and make them see him somehow. I now know that I can only serve God and watch God come out of me and affect others. This means that I have to guard my heart, my thoughts, my actions... I have to live fully and wholly for Jesus in all I do. I make mistakes and I will continue to for my whole life... I am not Jesus- He is the perfect one... But thank God that He sent His son to die for me so many years ago.
To be like Jesus... what a concept... I hope to someday attain even a grain of His goodness.

I Might Go to Ireland?

2008-09-23T08:23:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking that I might go to Ireland this summer. It's ten days. And I didn't get to go to that part of Europe this past summer... I am really trying to figure expenses in my head and decide if it's appropriate... The thing is, when will I ever have to opportunity to go on trips like this ever again? When I graduate, I have to put my money and time elsewhere. And someday I might have a family and that will lessen the likelihood of going back even more. I really want to do this. Plus, I have ancestors from Ireland...

And it's so green...

And beautiful...

Ahhhh!

Hats off to Esther Libbey

2008-09-18T16:56:00.001-07:00

Since joining the world of bloggers, I have noticed that I am less stressed. I wonder why this is? Not only do I do this "blog thing" but I actively journal. I have done this for years and my old entries are full of laments about being misunderstood and emotionally abused by my family- I was such a dramatic child. I can hear the injured feelings and hurt pride in those journals and feel the pain afresh. Even to this day. At twelve years old one can hardly be expected to understand this crazy thing we call life. I sure did not.
One of the major things I discovered was that my journals show a change in social interaction and you can see it in my writing style and language. And I will tell you why.
I started attending this church, some of you many know it, called Miracle Deliverance Tabernacle. It was this small church back in the wilderness and I did not want to be there. Funny thing happened though.
I met Esther Libbey.
I think she may have saw me as a project or some kind of lost cause that she wanted to take up but regardless- She decided I needed social interaction. I had been at the church for a year when her family started attending full-time. I really didn't speak to anyone.
I can remember pretty vividly when I became friends with the other teens and how much I kind of blossomed under their laughter and odd wit. (Sorry guys, I don't really know how to explain your jokes!)
Now, I can be friends with anyone and I can talk to anyone (almost anyone). I love people and I love helping others. However, I wonders sometimes if I would have done any of things things I have done if it hadn't been for the forced interaction that she made me endure. Yes, I say endure because I would go home exhausted from just trying to make friends- it was really tough for me to overcome my aloofness and loner tendencies. But I just wanted to write this blog as a sort of tribute of thanks to my very good friend, Esther. Thanks for rocking my boat and making me hang out. It probably saved my life.
One question to leave you with:
What has God been asking you do that you have felt reluctant to accomplish? Reaching out to someone may seem burdensome or frightening but what will the outcome be if you ignore his prodding?

Search Me, O God and Know My Heart

2008-09-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

So, I'm lounging in my apartment, drinking some hot, delicious tea and thinking about relationships. We're at an age that is full of so many possibilities....yet most people are more concerned about what their crush might think of them. It makes me so sad to think that people are starving and dying and that people my age aren't concerned about them. What does that say about us?!

I mean, when did a guy become more important than compassion and friendships? I don't want to be like that and I hope that someday when I actually do find someone I want to be with that He will be a friend first and foremost... (I have never understood meeting someone and dating them without really knowing them). And that I won't forget about helping people and furthering the Kingdom of Christ. Because if that's the case, I don't want to meet anyone. I would rather work for God the rest of my life alone than to find someone that doesn't want to help me help others.

Other than this revelation I had this morning while perusing the blogs of my friends, I do not really have much to report.

Except- Does anyone know where I can find a mother with a child age Newborn-8 that I can use for my assessment class? If so, please let me know!

(It sounds rather like a sales pitch or something doesn't it?)

Well, adios my fellow bloggers!

Well, I asked for it!

2008-09-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Isn't God just incredible? Last night I went out to find a quiet spot for some much needed Roxie and Jesus time... Well, wouldn't you know that God showed me how ridiculous I am? Some time ago I started praying that God would make me less materialistic... kind of like Paul.. I had a specific phrase that really struck something inside of me.. The following is a paraphrase: I have learned to be content in any situation.. whether I be in want or have plenty....
As I was pouring out my woes to the heavenly Father He gently reminded me that He was just teaching me what I had wanted to learn.
Yes, I asked God to live a more simplistic life... and He gave it to me..
So, Roxie here. Learning to trust God and be a more resourceful woman.. Realizing that when you ask God to teach you something... well, He does.

When life gives you lemons...

2008-09-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am finding out what it is to be that poor college student. You know, the one that looks forward to tap water and ramen for dinner. Oh yes, this is me. Not that I can really complain. My parents help me out when they can but since they are generous and take care of so many people- it's not always an easy thing for them to do.

I got a ticket today for not registering my car on campus- I couldn't afford to do it. Now, I have to pay for the ticket plus the registration sticker. Mark gave me some money last week and I was so excited... made a hundred plans to make it last forever.. however, I didn't count on the ethernet cable, the ticket, the registration sticker, and my $50 dollar background check that I have to pay for within the week. Oh, did I mention that my bike tires are completely flat?! I think they are busted.. so I guess I have to buy new tires too.
:SIGHS:

When did life get so complicated? Why did I think I could be a grown-up? How come I can't find a job? What am I going to do about that ticket!?!

Well, first off- I am going to pray. (It's such an obvious assertion)
Second, I am a tough girl.. I can do this.

Besides, God closes a door (that job I almost had last week..) and opens a window...

For the first time in my life, God has complete control. I am not fighting anymore. I can't always take care of myself but I am asking God's guidance and I am giving him my trust.

So, I guess I am going to take those nasty, sour lemons and make lemonade... or in my case- Use them to sweeten my tap water!!! :)

Are you still alive?

2008-08-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

I miss my roommate. She got tapped into a Greek Club and they took her away last night. Of course I worried about her all night and into this morning. I can't wait until this weekend is over and I can see my friend again. No outside communication is allowed so I have no idea how she is coping. I feel like a mother.

My adorable Lemur

2008-08-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the Internet cafe of the Humanities building checking me email. I had previously mentioned my Internet situation and today I got the full brunt of the Internet-death that has pervaded my apartment.
I had an email from a professor.. I was supposed to go for a meeting with her today- but I had no idea! I stumbled into the Internet lab at about four p.m. half an hour after the ordained meeting was supposed to have taken place.
Hopefully we can reschedule!

Otherwise, life is great. My mom bought this adorable little stuffed Lemur while on her trip with Mark this past weekend. I love it! I am not a big fan of stuffed things, animals or no, and it came as quite a surprise that I am now attached to the little guy. Mom has affectionately named her Foxanne. I like it. Besides, Macey always calls me Foxanne and the little thing is quite adorable. And it whistles at me when I squeeze it. Just like my mother to give me something to give a confidence boast whenever I am down.... I think I am going to go press it now. Haha.

Living without the internet

2008-08-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

I am falling apart. I do not have internet access in my apartment. It is supposed to be getting fixed sooner or later... I am hoping for sooner...
Life is pretty insane without internet to keep me going. Especially since I really need it to do my schoolwork. I finally found a little wireless signal over by the living room window.. and if I sit just right on the futon I can log on.
I am so hoping this gets fixed soon.

Living in My Wonderful Apartment!

2008-08-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am safely and happily moved into my new apartment. I am really loving it and enjoying spending time alone downstairs in my adorable living room. I am quite pleased with my new home. I am hoping that it becomes a great haven for me over the next year. I know it's going to be pretty crazy this year in my classes and I am hoping to work too. Having my little apartment to come home to will be a great help to my sanity.
Besides, I think I am in love with just having an apartment to call home. :)

Last Minute Thoughts Before Turning In

2008-08-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

I Just finished reading The Confession by Beverly Lewis. I am often amazed by the wonders of God and today was no exception. It is a firm belief of mine that there are just some writers that God has blessed with a gift that stirs the hearts of the readers. Not only causes their hearts to stir but draws them to Him. I often finish a Karen Kingsbury, Lori Wick, or a Beverly Lewis and desire- no yearn- for a closer walk with God. For a more intimate relationship with Him. I start classes next wednesday. My world is about to become extremely hectic and difficult- but I know that unless I invest time in Jesus, I will have nothing to show for it.

The song that is on my mind at this moment is Yearn by Shane & Shane.

Lord, I wanna yearn for you, I wanna burn with passion- over you, and only you....

I am so in awe of my creator.

Why Can't Life Be Like a Jane Austen Novel?

2008-08-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

Why can't life be like a Jane Austen novel? I mean, she makes romance seem so wonderful. The hero is always so gallant and true. Never deceitful and always incredibly magnificent. The heroine is beautiful, charming, gracious and the object of every man's ardent affection. And then she marries the most noble and honorable man in the story. Every time I read one of her novels I sigh. I just fall completely apart with this strange longing. I am too young to be wanting this kind of forever. Jane Austen is a wonderful author, but sometimes I wonder at my sanity for reading her books. I just finished watching the movie adaptation of Northanger Abbey and Persuasion.

However, Jane Austen will remain my favorite author for always.

Seven Days

2008-08-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am so excited that in a couple of days I will be back in Cleveland, back at my school again. Four semesters of college left. Where did all the time go? I keep thinking that somehow I will make things better this year. I will study harder, volunteer more, be a better friend. But honestly I don't know what will happen this year.
I know that I need to pray and seek God in everything. I was reading one of my favorite pieces of scripture last night and two things popped out at me.
Pray contunually
Test everything, hold on to the good.
I am going to try to follow this completely this year and really work on being all that God has called me to be for him.
I know that I am not perfect and never will be. I am human and I let my flesh overwhelm what I know to be right at times.

On another note, I will be moving into my apartment in less than seven days! I can't wait to meet my new suitemate Amy and to see Alyse and Sierra again. Sierra will be here tomorrow! She has graciously decided to spent some time at my house before heading to Cleveland.

Basically, life is going great at the moment. :)

Sigh

2008-08-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today I was standing in line at the Wal-mart buying my Better Homes and Gardens magazine, as I do every month, when the lady in front of me said, "Oh great, the college kids are back."
And then I realized that I had to be the oddest college student in the world. I mean, seriously guys, I came into Wal-mart and bought Better Homes and Gardens instead of well, whatever the biggest young adult magazine is these days. I think it's official that I am an old soul.
I can't wait until I finish college so I can buy myself an old house- maybe a bungalow or a small cottage- and fill it with my books and antiques! I really want to move to that phase of my life. College is great and I enjoy it but I want to security and safety of my own home. I just want to live by myself and not share a bathroom. Someday I will have that- all of it.
But until then, I think I will continue to mark my favorite designs in my BH&G. :)

Untitled

2008-08-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

I got my computer through Fed-Ex today! I had almost given up... I didn't think that they ran their trucks after five pm... well, it came at like eight and I am so stoked to have it! My new glasses are also in and I will pick them up tomorrow, probably early morning. The sad thing is I think I might have made my mom feel like I didn't appreciate the laptop that her and Mark bought me when I graduated highschool. I really do love it to death... it just doesn't perform right anymore. Well, it didn't until a couple of days ago.. it seems that Mark may have fixed it, which makes me feel really bad. However, I am paying for this laptop on my own so I guess that settles it somewhat.
I can't wait to move into the new apartment! I think I will be the last to move in.. Alyse is already there, CeCe goes back on the 13th, Amy moves in on the 15th and myself on the 17th. My freshmen year roommie Cassondra is coming back to Lee! I am so excited about this- and the fact that she is going to go to church with me as well. I, myself, cannot wait to get back to Cleveland so I can attend MDT again. I miss going there full-time.

Just Thinking About Life

2008-07-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I read a book called Love Starts with Elle by Rachel Hauck. It was awesome. Of course I was sad when I finished it. As always I enjoyed the book too fast. Next book I will savor every page, each sentence. Read at a soft, slow pace. I hope to someday own a bookstore of my very own. It will probably not happen but it would be incredible if I could do it.
I saw this amazing little cupboard at the Habitat store. It was very old and authentic. I loved it. Sadly I have no money to purchase it and my parents felt that they should buy me shoes instead of the cupboard. I'm not complaining. Really. But since y'all know me pretty well you understand where my priorities lie. Considering I pretty much have had the same shoes for three or more years. I'm not kidding. I mean who needs new clothes when they have books and cool, antique cupboards? See my point?

Anyway, I finished registering for classes today. I am now the proud student who can claim six classes and three labs a week. Oh kill joy. No, I refuse to get pessimistic about my classes! Jesus wouldn't want it! I will be brave and enjoy my classes to the fullest!
Besides, the sooner I am at school the sooner I can see my new roomies and my new apartment! Things are looking up!
:)

Oscar.. the cannibalistic fish

2008-07-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

Actually, he isn't named Oscar. I don't know if Jon has named them yet. Yes, there are Two! Jonathan bought two Oscar fish today. Apparently they are like pariah and eat other fish. Scary if you ask me. To be quite honest I am terrified of fish and having fish in the house that eat the innocent goldfish types for dinner.. doesn't quite sit well with me. And the orange one is always staring at me. Like he wants to taste my flesh. Yes, he only got him today but I have been keeping my eye on the little monsters.
I was somewhat concerned so I googled this "oscar" on the net. Apparently the oscar is the most intelligent of fish. Like a real pet! He knows the face of his owner and will even interact. Kind of creepy if you ask me. I know I am going to have nightmares that he is watching me tonight. One time I had a fish attack me. This has obviously scarred me for life. I keep thinking this murdering fish is going to come chew my hand off. Or worse.

On a lighter note, Jonathan thinks they are absolutely fantastic.

Cosmopolitan Pink

2008-07-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

So, I did this cool thing today. I tried to order a laptop off the Internet. Since I am paying with two different methods, they have to call me to finish it up. However, I am not deterred from my goal. I will own a new laptop! So, beware Sony! I will be awaiting your call! Did I mention that it is pink! Okay, so moving on. Breaking dawn comes out in eight days. Eight days! Allison and I are eagerly awaiting its arrival! And CeCe is too of course. Once it comes life will once again be sane... But then we will be going crazy waiting for the movie!!!!

Hope of Life Ministries

2008-07-20T16:36:00.001-07:00

Hope of Life ministries in Guatemala was founded by Carlos Vargas. I had to privilege to be a part of a Leadership conference he spoke at during my Fall 2007semester at Lee University. I have included a link below if anyone would be interested in checking it out for themselves. I hope to go down to his orphanage myself in the Fall. Hope of Life ministries accepts volunteers. If you are interested in this, it would be a great blessing for these people.

The Telephone

2008-07-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

"When I was just as far as I could walk from here today
There was an hour
All still
When leaning with my head against a flower I heard you talk.
Don't say I didn't, for I heard you say-
You spoke from that flower on the windowsill-
Do you remember what it was you said?"
"First tell what it was you thought you heard."
"Having found the flower and driven a bee away,
I leaned my head,
And holding by the stalk,I listened
and I thought I caught the word-What was it?
Did you call me by my name?
Or did you say-
Someone said, 'Come'- I heard it as I bowed."
"I may have thought as much, but not aloud."
"Well, so I came."- Robert Frost (1916)

I love this poem. The man wants to apologize to the woman he loves for something he said.. but he doesn't want to come right out and say it. He uses a flower to apologize to her. Of course, she isn't all innocent and most likely said her own choice of words. It's reconciliation. I love it!

The DVD

2008-07-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a DVD of my pappaw that was taken a year before he died. He was being goofy and hollering like he always did. It has been a month and three days since he died. And I miss him. On the DVD he put on one of the grandkids veggietales hats and made funny faces at the camera. He was such a fun and wonderful man. I miss him so much. The DVD was taken back before the pain and the blackouts began, before he knew he was going to die. You see, he died in a car accident but he knew he was going to die before it happened. I guess some people know these things. They know intuitively that their time is up. My pap was one of those people. He told everyone that he loved them and tried to spend time with everyone before he died. Except me. I was in Ukraine. I saw him as soon as I got back from my trip. BUT it was only for a few minutes and I never did see my granpa again. I came by on fathers day, the day before he died, but he wasn't home. The fact that I haven't been around much since I went to school doesn't escape my notice and I grieve because of that lost time. He was my favorite person in the whole world. He was so proud of me for going to school and making something of myself. My family has told me that he talked about me all the time. Bragged on me to everyone. I can't believe that he is gone. He was so young. He was sixty-eight. Hardly old enough to worrying about leaving this world. I miss him! I want him back but I will never see him again. Not until I go be with him in heaven. I miss his jokes. I miss his hugs. I just miss him.