Hello all!
I've had one of those weeks that changes everything. Well, actually, nothing really happened. One minute I'm at the bookstore...browsing through musty old books... and then, I'm sitting in the floor overwhelmed with despair. What could have caused this you ask? Well, it was the Christian section of the store.
Let me back up. Start from the beginning.
On my days off, I often peruse the bookstore by my house. I don't always buy but I like to go there because it calms me. This Wednesday I was doing my usual rounds when I came across the Bible section. If you know me, you know I have a weakness for Bibles. I just like them. And, more often than not, I find myself buying them. After a few months, I inevitably come across someone who needs one and then I pass it on (I always hope to keep it in the beginning).
On this particular evening, I was searching for something to calm my spirit. For reasons I did not understand, I was restless. Nothing was satisfying and after being there for two hours, I had nothing.
As I sat there, on the floor in the musty bookstore, I realized that I was looking for a sign. A reason for being.
I kept walking the isles- over and over again. Hoping. Waiting.
If you have a common name, what I am about to tell you will mean nothing to you but to me, it was the greatest gift. I came across one of those books that have the name cards in it with a scripture and an explanation of your name. I didn't expect to find mine in there- my name is never there- but I did. It said, Roxanne "Dawn of the day."
I already knew this about my name. I knew that my name meant the morning and it seemed to fit me. If I am anything, it's a morning person. A sunrise is one of the greatest sights a person can witness.
Anyway, it wasn't the explanation that caught me. No, it was the scripture.
It said, Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3: 22-23.
I sat down in the floor and cried. I wept. You see, this has always been one of my favored scriptures.
It was in this moment that I realized that nothing is an accident with God. all the nasty, horrible things that plague life are the very things that bring about the things that are beautiful. It's how you handle those situations, it's how you love God, others, yourself, and this life that makes the difference.
Micah 7:8 Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy. When I fall, I shall arise. When I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.
And, Job, my friend, my comfort- If you can live a life for the Lord with all that you suffered, then I can as well.
And Peter was right- to suffer is a privilege. I only hope that I can continue to persevere and wait for the day that He comes back - for the day that I can crawl, head down and heart beating madly, to kiss His feet.
Great is the faithfulness of God.
Great is He who comforts one such as me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
I Think I Might Just Be in Love
But now, this is what the LORD says-- He who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth--
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."
Isaiah 43: 1-7
In 2009, my entire world was rocked. Everything I believed about myself and everything I believed about this world was shattered. I looked to God and heard nothing. I read the Bible and it held no peace. I cried and begged for something- but nothing came. And during this time of heartbreak, God hid his face from me.
Two years. 730 days.
He never left me, I know. But during this time, I felt abandoned. People would ask me what I believed and all I could say was, "I love Jesus and that's all I've got." I trust Him and I know he's there- even if I can't feel Him."I went to church but all I felt was pain. At times, I lay in the floor and held my Bible. I just lay there. I couldn't speak, I couldn't pray, I couldn't breathe. In Romans, there's a scripture that says that when we don't know what to pray that "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I spent at least a year where I couldn't even open my Bible. I could only hold it and trust that God understood- and He did.
In 2009, a professor of mine suggested that I take a semester off. I didn't. I couldn't be alone with myself that long and I felt that I would be giving up if I did. Instead, I began constructing a shield around myself. I cut myself off from life. I hid from everyone I loved and only ventured out when I thought I had my mask firmly in place. Roxie's got it together. No worries. I lied to myself. I lied to God. But he knew and He loved me anyway.
I didn't survive because I'm strong but because in my weakness He held me close. Little by little, God woke me up. It's funny how the hardest situations in your life teach you so much. About life. About God. The future. The present. Your calling.
In the midst of my suffering, God asked me to give my dreams up and move to South America. It was the first time that He had spoken to me, had asked anything of me in such a long time. I wrestled with it. I got angry. I cried. How could He ask me to do something so big when I couldn't even love myself? When He hadn't let me feel Him for so long! I couldn't grasp it. It didn't seem fair. Eventually I said Yes. How could I say no? I gave everything I owned away. I packed myself up. I got ready.
And here I am. Six months after I should have left.
When I finally told Him yes, everything changed. I began to feel Him again. The little things that I loved so much about Him and about life, myself... they all began to matter once more.
Maybe He just wanted to know that I would go. Maybe I needed to know that I could. Maybe I had to lose everything to realize all that I had.
Loving God means suffering. It also means boundless joy and peace and wonder. It means endless opportunities. And Love.
Yes, it was an awful situation. And it hurt. It destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. However, to see what I have gained, I think that dark place was worth it.
I hope that He finds God. That He finds forgiveness. I forgive Him.
Who am I that He is mindful of me?
I am Blessed.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1: 2-4
If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe
And, as I've prayed many, many times in the past couple of years:
Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief.
And, to my complete surprise, I've never been more in love than I am now. He is all I need. And all I want.
Roxie
And a special thank you to those who lifted me up in prayer and never once wavered in your friendship.
he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth--
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."
Isaiah 43: 1-7
In 2009, my entire world was rocked. Everything I believed about myself and everything I believed about this world was shattered. I looked to God and heard nothing. I read the Bible and it held no peace. I cried and begged for something- but nothing came. And during this time of heartbreak, God hid his face from me.
Two years. 730 days.
He never left me, I know. But during this time, I felt abandoned. People would ask me what I believed and all I could say was, "I love Jesus and that's all I've got." I trust Him and I know he's there- even if I can't feel Him."I went to church but all I felt was pain. At times, I lay in the floor and held my Bible. I just lay there. I couldn't speak, I couldn't pray, I couldn't breathe. In Romans, there's a scripture that says that when we don't know what to pray that "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I spent at least a year where I couldn't even open my Bible. I could only hold it and trust that God understood- and He did.
In 2009, a professor of mine suggested that I take a semester off. I didn't. I couldn't be alone with myself that long and I felt that I would be giving up if I did. Instead, I began constructing a shield around myself. I cut myself off from life. I hid from everyone I loved and only ventured out when I thought I had my mask firmly in place. Roxie's got it together. No worries. I lied to myself. I lied to God. But he knew and He loved me anyway.
I didn't survive because I'm strong but because in my weakness He held me close. Little by little, God woke me up. It's funny how the hardest situations in your life teach you so much. About life. About God. The future. The present. Your calling.
In the midst of my suffering, God asked me to give my dreams up and move to South America. It was the first time that He had spoken to me, had asked anything of me in such a long time. I wrestled with it. I got angry. I cried. How could He ask me to do something so big when I couldn't even love myself? When He hadn't let me feel Him for so long! I couldn't grasp it. It didn't seem fair. Eventually I said Yes. How could I say no? I gave everything I owned away. I packed myself up. I got ready.
And here I am. Six months after I should have left.
When I finally told Him yes, everything changed. I began to feel Him again. The little things that I loved so much about Him and about life, myself... they all began to matter once more.
Maybe He just wanted to know that I would go. Maybe I needed to know that I could. Maybe I had to lose everything to realize all that I had.
Loving God means suffering. It also means boundless joy and peace and wonder. It means endless opportunities. And Love.
Yes, it was an awful situation. And it hurt. It destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. However, to see what I have gained, I think that dark place was worth it.
I hope that He finds God. That He finds forgiveness. I forgive Him.
Who am I that He is mindful of me?
I am Blessed.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1: 2-4
If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe
And, as I've prayed many, many times in the past couple of years:
Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief.
And, to my complete surprise, I've never been more in love than I am now. He is all I need. And all I want.
Roxie
And a special thank you to those who lifted me up in prayer and never once wavered in your friendship.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Life As I Know It
You watch romantic comedies, right? You know the quiet, dorky, bookworm-ish girl who meets Prince Charming at the end? Well, I’m that girl- except for that whole Prince Charming part. I have been accused of being a recluse- a social failure. I prefer my books, a nice cup of tea, and some soft, harmonious music over a noisy crowd any day. What’s wrong with that?
I admit it, I do. I am completely terrified of the opposite sex. I have very few male friends and even then I surround myself only with those who seem the most harmless, a.k.a. those I am not drawn to. Now, it’s not that I don’t want to get married someday- actually, you could say that I want it more than I should. I am a complete mess. Obviously. Most women who want to get married (whether it is soon or later in life), date. I would go as far as to say that it is impossible to get married if you don’t talk to men. Looking at it in this light, I probably seem like a ridiculous ninny.
Looking back, I don’t think my life could have been any different than it was. I did everything the right way. I attended church with my family and worked hard in school. I went on church trips, cleaned the church, served food at church socials, and worked youth camps. I worked for my own money. I got into to college on scholarship. I graduated cum laude and shook my fist in defiance of my small town heritage. I even taught Sunday school. And yet, nothing has gone the way I planned it.
When I was five, I knew I was going to college. My mom said I came home from my first day of kindergarten and announced that I was going to go and become a Psychologist. I graduated with a degree in Psychology last month. I have always been responsible and I feel like I grew up too quickly—much sooner than my parents ever expected me to, I’m sure. At twelve, I felt like an old woman. I couldn't help but think that something was wrong with me.
I didn’t date. I still don’t date. I have never even been asked on a date. And that was not part of the plan. I wasted most of my preteen years and teens waiting for that “special” guy to come along. When he didn’t I saw that as another failure. It’s hard being the only one in your close group of friends who hasn’t experienced anything romantic in her life. And it’s even worse when you have a negative body image to go with it. However, I intend to change all of that -Starting today.
So, what does a young woman of twenty-two years do on a Friday night?
I admit it, I do. I am completely terrified of the opposite sex. I have very few male friends and even then I surround myself only with those who seem the most harmless, a.k.a. those I am not drawn to. Now, it’s not that I don’t want to get married someday- actually, you could say that I want it more than I should. I am a complete mess. Obviously. Most women who want to get married (whether it is soon or later in life), date. I would go as far as to say that it is impossible to get married if you don’t talk to men. Looking at it in this light, I probably seem like a ridiculous ninny.
Looking back, I don’t think my life could have been any different than it was. I did everything the right way. I attended church with my family and worked hard in school. I went on church trips, cleaned the church, served food at church socials, and worked youth camps. I worked for my own money. I got into to college on scholarship. I graduated cum laude and shook my fist in defiance of my small town heritage. I even taught Sunday school. And yet, nothing has gone the way I planned it.
When I was five, I knew I was going to college. My mom said I came home from my first day of kindergarten and announced that I was going to go and become a Psychologist. I graduated with a degree in Psychology last month. I have always been responsible and I feel like I grew up too quickly—much sooner than my parents ever expected me to, I’m sure. At twelve, I felt like an old woman. I couldn't help but think that something was wrong with me.
I didn’t date. I still don’t date. I have never even been asked on a date. And that was not part of the plan. I wasted most of my preteen years and teens waiting for that “special” guy to come along. When he didn’t I saw that as another failure. It’s hard being the only one in your close group of friends who hasn’t experienced anything romantic in her life. And it’s even worse when you have a negative body image to go with it. However, I intend to change all of that -Starting today.
So, what does a young woman of twenty-two years do on a Friday night?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
BLOG CHANGE!
Hello everyone!
I know that I sent out in my letters that I will be blogging from this site while in Ecuador but I have decided to start afresh!
Please follow me @ senoritarosanna.blogspot.com
I hope to hear from you all soon!
Adios!
I know that I sent out in my letters that I will be blogging from this site while in Ecuador but I have decided to start afresh!
Please follow me @ senoritarosanna.blogspot.com
I hope to hear from you all soon!
Adios!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Who is This Girl?
Today I was going through some old journals when two sheets fell out of one of the notebooks. After reading them and dissolving into tears, I came to terms with the shift in my faith- but I want that faith back again. And I want that joy.
I wanted to include it on here because it was a beautiful time in my life and a reminder to seek him and find joy in him every single day.
Dear Father,
I can't believe how far you've brought me, the things you've shown me and the places you've taken me.
It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this feeling. You make me feel so incredibly amazing. Everyone is constantly creating. Creating for you. Some are painting, drawing, making chalk pictures. Praying... Journaling, all for you. All of us, one common desire- to get to know you better.
Jesus, you are my peace.
You give me joy. Joy like I've never known.
Peace I could only dream of.
A heart that longs to love.
Everyday I feel the strokes of your brush on my heart.
Everyday, you make me feel beautiful.
Everyday I feel a difference.
I feel beautiful.
I weep because you love me.
I weep because I never reach the pinnacle of what I need to be for you.
I wail because I cannot repay your love.
I will never be good enough...
Your grace has covered me.
Your grace has filled me with gladness and causes me to weep.
Tears of joy are my veil. They cover my face and my head continually before you.
Right now I am a piece of clay that has the beginnings of a form.
Each moment I feel your hands upon me- Stretching me, shaping me, turning me, smoothing me, bending me. Tenderly you mold me into the person you intended me to be.
Every moment I feel so incredibly loved and completely protected. I am yours. And woe is me! For I am unclean.
--
I want to make a difference for you.
With the orphans, the widows- protect my heart!
Consume me. Take me and consume all that I am, all that I've been, consume me. Consume me. Make me beautiful for you. Give me Jesus eyes. Take the veil from my eyes and make me see you. Let me see the world through your eyes.
I want to notice others. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to save your creation!
O God, please use me. You are my life. Only you.
--
You are so much more than me,
So much bigger than me,
so much more faithful.
You make everything magical.
You make my life magical!
I'm content to just spend my life loving you.
End.
My new prayer is that I can find that woman again. That girl who loved her Father so much so saw him in everything. He is ever faithful. My life and my path are evident of that. I can't express how much I want to be in love with him- all my life.
I wanted to include it on here because it was a beautiful time in my life and a reminder to seek him and find joy in him every single day.
Dear Father,
I can't believe how far you've brought me, the things you've shown me and the places you've taken me.
It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this feeling. You make me feel so incredibly amazing. Everyone is constantly creating. Creating for you. Some are painting, drawing, making chalk pictures. Praying... Journaling, all for you. All of us, one common desire- to get to know you better.
Jesus, you are my peace.
You give me joy. Joy like I've never known.
Peace I could only dream of.
A heart that longs to love.
Everyday I feel the strokes of your brush on my heart.
Everyday, you make me feel beautiful.
Everyday I feel a difference.
I feel beautiful.
I weep because you love me.
I weep because I never reach the pinnacle of what I need to be for you.
I wail because I cannot repay your love.
I will never be good enough...
Your grace has covered me.
Your grace has filled me with gladness and causes me to weep.
Tears of joy are my veil. They cover my face and my head continually before you.
Right now I am a piece of clay that has the beginnings of a form.
Each moment I feel your hands upon me- Stretching me, shaping me, turning me, smoothing me, bending me. Tenderly you mold me into the person you intended me to be.
Every moment I feel so incredibly loved and completely protected. I am yours. And woe is me! For I am unclean.
--
I want to make a difference for you.
With the orphans, the widows- protect my heart!
Consume me. Take me and consume all that I am, all that I've been, consume me. Consume me. Make me beautiful for you. Give me Jesus eyes. Take the veil from my eyes and make me see you. Let me see the world through your eyes.
I want to notice others. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to save your creation!
O God, please use me. You are my life. Only you.
--
You are so much more than me,
So much bigger than me,
so much more faithful.
You make everything magical.
You make my life magical!
I'm content to just spend my life loving you.
End.
My new prayer is that I can find that woman again. That girl who loved her Father so much so saw him in everything. He is ever faithful. My life and my path are evident of that. I can't express how much I want to be in love with him- all my life.
ABCs and... ABCs.
If you have any letter games that you no longer want, please send them my way. I want to take as many as possible with me in January. Basically, I need old scrabble letters, bananagrams, scrabble apple pieces... anything you've got! I'm hoping to use the letters in my lessons at the foundation so PLEASE let me know if you can help. Thanks guys!
117 DAYS TO GO!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
141 Days to Go
I'm really leaving. It all seems like a crazy fantasy- planning this trip, taking a leap of faith. I know God is the one in control of my life and I'm prepared- excited even...but still, I'M MOVING TO SOUTH AMERICA IN 141 DAYS! P.S. Know anyone who wants a cat? It seems that my cat will be homeless when I move to Ecuador... the parentals aren't interested in having more pets :( Someone save Clarke!
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