Once Upon a Time...

There was a little girl who wanted to serve Jesus with all of her heart. He was her best friend, Father, Mother, sister, brother, neighbor, and roommate. He was there when she woke in the morning and He followed her everywhere she went that day. She thought of Him all day at school and she daydreamed of Him in the summers - even pretending that He was playing pirates and running through fields with her. She had a song of joy constantly in her heart.
As a child, she knew that God had something different planned for her life- something that made her think twice about her choices. The little girl was not sure what this plan was but she knew that God would show her where to go and what to do when He was ready for her to go. And now that God has revealed that plan…
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, that little girl was me. Yes, I’ve been fortunate to grow up with God in my life- in it, around it, completely in control of it, and loved by Him every single day. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses but I’ve always known that there was a reason for everything- even the ugly things. As a teen, I spent many a night crying into my pillow because I wanted to be do the things other girls were doing- dating and…well, dating. It seems petty now but at the time I didn’t realize the wonderful things God wanted me to do instead. I have had so many opportunities to grown in relationship with Him, my family, friends, and the community because I’ve had that time to devote to greater things.
In the back of my mind I have always known that this is what God had planned for my life. I thought I could ignore it and do “more interesting” things. However, that only satisfied me for a time. For the past year and a half God has been working on my heart and questioning my motivations in everything that I do and say.
I thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be but God had completely transformed my thinking. I think about Ecuador, I dream about it… it is constantly on my mind. I find myself planning ahead- thinking of what I will teach them to say in English first or how my Spanish is going to hold up. I wonder what God is going to teach me. How will God use me?

I Will Waste My Life

I used to think that I had to be the best of the best. I believed that in order to be respected and fulfilled that I would have to have a serious education- nothing less than a doctorate. Okay, I never wanted to be rich.. that's never been high on my list of priorities. Money has never been something that I've cared about. Which is good... considering that Jesus is sending me towards a life other than the one I had planned for myself.
Fickle as I am, I naively thought that I could plan my life and that God would allow me to pursue my dreams... as long as I was trying to be a good Christian. And I'm sure that in most situations, that does work out... but not in my case. At least, not right now.
Here I am, graduating and floating in a sea of uncertainty. My entire existence has been about order, meticulous planning, and.... I am freaking out!
However, God has asked me to do something else. To put my own desires aside and to use the compassion and empathy that he has blessed (sometimes, cursed) me with. He is asking me to get down in the dirt and dig, plant, water, nurture the seeds that He will plant in the heart and minds of the people. And I can't help but feel my heart swell with gratitude- at being a part of such a journey, to be saved, loved, and cared for by such a great God.
That is why I feel such a kinship to this song. Misty Edwards sings, "I'll say goodbye to my Father, my mother- turn my back on every other lover and I'll press on, yes, I'll press on.... For I am in LOVE with you and there is no cost, I am in love with you and there is no loss. I am in love with you - I wanna take your name. I am in love with you, I wanna cling to you, Jesus. Just let me cling to you, Jesus."
WOW.
For some time now I have felt God nudging me towards a life that I haven't planned. I am terrified. Yet, I am excited. I am unsure, yet I am certain. I am unworthy, yet I know that I am being sent.
Who am I that He would send me?
Isn't there someone else that is better qualified? Someone else who gets it right? I am so unworthy.
Someday, I think, I would like to go to Graduate school. I think I would like to pursue a doctorate degree. I would like to meet some sweet man and fall in love- you know, cute house, two dogs, one cat (got the cat already!) white picket fence, a couple of children etc. Someday.
However, at this moment, I know that God is calling me to put those dreams aside and to fall in love with His dream for me.
Miss Roxanne Holloway, Missionary?

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: 17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me


I used to see this scripture as a beautiful description of what a great marriage would be... Now, I guess I see it a little differently. Wherever He is, I want to be there. Whether it's in Seattle, Chicago, China, Africa, or... Ecuador. I want to be there. Where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

And I can't help but remember the prophecy of my youth. I can't help but think that this is the time that God has called me for.
Here I am. Just me. Broken, pitiful me. It took sliding to the end of my rope to realize that I was two feet from the ground. God wasn't leaving me... He has been trying to show to look at the world from a different perspective.

Here I am. Send me.
:)

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived, Exhausted Woman at Midnight.

I started a new job at Panera Bread. Right now, I am a glorified diner girl. I clean the tables, chat with the old folks, and wash the dishes. It is actually an enjoyable time for me since I simply like to talk to people. I don't always want to be the girl stuck in dining room but....well... we shall see where it goes.
On another note... I have started a Blessings journal. Everyday I write down at least one blessing from the day and when I am feeling down and out... I simply re-read all the wonderful things God has done for me.. And those things... Wow. Since I started the journal, blessing upon blessing has been poured out. And, honestly, he's been doing these things all along.. I just didn't notice them.
Kind of amazing.
I'm seeing God in a new light... I am trying my hardest to find the joy and awe in my relationship with Him again. I will admit that my relationship with Him hasn't been what it should have been the past year. I was simply trying to make it. Now...I am doing more than just making it.. I am thriving. God is changing everything about me to reflect Him. I just wish I weren't so dang stubborn.
Pray for me. My strong, stubborn mind and independent nature holds me back in this area. I find them to be helpful most of the time but in this... I need to surrender again. So, pray that I can finally fully hand over control.
Now that I have confessed all.... I guess this is goodnight!

Ecuador Bound

Ecuador bound in January. I wanted to give my friends an opportunity to see where I am going and get an idea of what my life is going to be like in just a few short months.
I am going to work with the Bread of Life Foundation in Atucucho, Quito, Ecuador. It is the poorest area in the Capital City of Quito.
Included here are photos of my future home.
Love,
Roxie

Can I just say that God is wonderful. He is beautiful and incredible. And no, everything has not been resolved and picture perfect. I have just decided to let Jesus have control of my life. Finally. I know, I think that I have said this before but really, I have been given no other choice. I have felt such peace about everything, even as I freak out. Does that make sense? I've decided that all of this must be happening so I can move on into His plan for my life. We shall see.
I think that I might start blogging daily. Short blogs, mostly. I just know that I need to share this journey- crazy as it is- with others. It's important.
Gotta go.
Pray for me!

Just Wow.

Sigh. If you ask God to give you faith... He gives you opportunities to practice the faith you have. Just an FYI.
Be careful what you wish for...cause you just might get it. (Yes, I know I inserted a pop song but it was really necessary..considering).
I can't give specifics about the issues making me rely upon my faith as of yet.
Stay tuned and I hope to be able to give a clearer picture of this year once I am "allowed" to.
Isaiah 30:18-21 has become my mantra.

Mustard Seed Faith

Yesterday I was sitting outside on my porch swing, wrapped in my snuggie, reading my Bible when I realized that I was being a hypocrit. Reason? I will tell you.
I have a Women of Faith study Bible that I have been using (love it!) for the past several years. Only, lately- due to financial issues and stress- my faith meter has been dangerously low. So, having such small faith, I felt extremely hypocritical reading my faith study Bible.
--
As I thought about this and despair washed over me, I opened my Bible and it fell to a piece of scripture that I have never once glanced at before. This is what it said:

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will help you when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it."
Isaiah 30:18-21.

Okay. Wow.
First of all, I was touched by verse 18 when I read of God's longing to be gracious to me. It made me feel as though I truly was not alone in this.
Second, -- "you will weep no more" -- I have wasted many a tear on my current situation and knowing that God wants to be gracious to me and to keep me from my tears speaks volumes.
Third,-- "He will help you when you cry for help!" Okay, right now all I can do is call for help. Knowing he will help me is important.
fourth, -- "as soon as he hears, he will answer you." This was powerful to me because I constantly feel as though He doesn't hear me. It was nice to have this reiterated.
fifth, -- "your teachers will be hidden no more" -- Good to know that he will show me how my trials have taught me a lesson. I needed to know that I was not going through all of this for nothing.
Sixth, -- "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it." -- BAM! This is my life right now. I have no idea which way I should go, what I should be doing with my life, or what God wants from me. Stepping out in faith is really the only way. It is all I can do. I can rest in the knowledge that God is directing me and will confirm each and every footstep.

So, instead of berating me for my small faith, God decided to give me a little bit of hope to guide my faith in the right direction and to encourage me throughout the journey. (Hebrews 11:1)
Pray for me!