Taking a Moment for Serious Talk

I'm ready for a new post. One of the things that has most surprised me about blogging is that I can actually blog. I mean, I keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself.....but on here (minus the editing) I can be myself. Sort of.
Today (technically yesterday as it is sometime past two a.m) I worked the whole day away. I went in to my job this morning and worked diligently until 5:30 and then had dinner and went back until nine. Boo. After about an hour I once again was back at work to take care of a couple of matters- I then got back to hanging out with peeps (Sierra) around 11:45...
I came home about two a.m and and ran into my roommate Yuing. We were chatting and I told her how I hadn't had the time to clean my room or do laundry in days, which is a huge no-no in my book. She said that I shouldn't worry because no one knew it but me. I kind of laughed and we said goodnight. No big deal.
Only... it turns out it was a big deal. I couldn't get what she said out of my head. You see I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to look spotlessly clean on the outside but be filthy inside. No one sees the state of my bedroom or laundry but I know that it needs tending and mending. My spiritual life is the same. I know and God knows.
I think we would all be pretty frightened if the world could look inside of us and know what were thinking.. the bad things, the good things... our secret desires and hopes that we are ashamed of..
Why can't we just be real with one another?
I don't know about the rest of you but... I'm just me. I can't be you. I can't be my friends, My family. I'm just me.
Sooo....here goes.
Hello. I'm Roxanne, no e (technically). I'm turning 21 this year. I graduate in May. I don't know where I'll be next year, I don't know who I'll be next year. I love Jesus. I abhor meat-I'm working on that though. I have a huge crush on Italy. I want love but I fear it. I'm different. "Unique" I've been told. I like to read biographies-- and unsolved mysteries. I have a plant named Seraphina. I have a crooked tooth. I lose my glasses- always three or four months before my yearly appointment (just lost them two days ago! Eep!) I would rather read than hang out. Sorry guys. :)
Seriously though, I'm just me.
Who are you?

"Trust me, I've got this" - God

God has been teaching me a lot about trust. God says, "Trust me and I will work it out" (paraphrased of course). And I've finally given up control. Life is still hard, I'm still concerned about the issues, but GOD is holding me up. And I am no longer afraid. The joy and peace that he has shown me is incredible. I cannot do anything without Him-- and why should I want to?


I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my Hope.

Just a Few Wonderful Things

New interesting and fun facts about my life!

1.) I am training to run a half-marathon with a group of people.
- I'm not going to lie it's intense
2.) I moved off campus and into a loft downtown.
3.) I have three Chinese roommates!
4.) I have one Nigerian roommate!
5.) I just tried some type of Chinese roll and it was fabulous.
- It had peppers and onions in it
6.) I'm doing some around-the-house chores for an elderly couple at NCT. They are very strong Christians
7.) I'm trying to get a second job this summer
8.) I'm taking summer classes!
9.) I'm going to Boston this summer!
10.) I turn 21 in September.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all. I can't move forward, I can't step backward, I just am. Or at least it feels that way. The truth is, sometimes you just have to stand there and wait until it passes over and then take a step.. and then another and another after that. It's not always going to be what we want it to be but we can sure try our hardest to make the best of it. I want to change this world. I can't do everything but I can do something. Too many times I have let opportunites pass me by because I didn't feel productive or able but that's exactly the reason I should! I am looking for something to get involved in, something to better my surroundings. As a Christian, I have to. If I don't, am I really being a follower of Christ? Something to think about. All I know is that I want to be a light in the darkness, not an ink blot on black paper.

How Did I Become Such a Cowardly Girl?

When I hear couples talk about how they met and what falling in love was like for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I mean, I know that I will most likely get married someday- the statistics are in my favor- but it's the waiting that takes a lot out of the person. I mean, I get so frustrated waiting...and waiting...
But it's okay.. I think. I mean, I have a couple of more years before I will be able to support myself properly. I currently living hand to mouth so I am hardly in a position to think about meeting someone and having a family. Of this I am certain- I am content with my situation. I think I just get impatient. I'm human after all. If we could only see the big picture I am sure that His plan would be quite satisfactory to our selfish little minds and we would realize that waiting is perfectly acceptable. However, we do not. Instead we fly around like a chicken without a head waving and flailing our arms trying to compensate... for what?
As my mother points out to me often (I know this already Mom!) God did not intend for us to be alone. Okay. I get that.
The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Not really. I am a private person by nature. Friendly but private. I can handle alone. In fact, actually meeting the man that I will love for always is frightening. I will pledge my everything to him. He will be second to God in my life. How huge!
Okay, okay, I admit that I feel some excitement thinking about it. Who wouldn't? I want love in my life. Of course. Maybe. I think.
I guess what I am saying is, I would welcome finding my soul mate, I am terrified of meeting him, I am afraid that I won't, I know that it is likely God has that in store for me, but I enjoy my solitude. Oh my selfish, selfish heart! But it is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
One way or another, I just want to know the future. Silly to think like this.
God knows everything. He knows me.
Right now he knows all the mischief I am into (my silly, errant thoughts!), and what I want out of life.
To be one woman, I am overwhelmingly afflicted with the ridiculous!
:sigh:

I think I should clarify how I am feeling right now. I am fine. Please don't worry. Yes, I am stressed out, I do wish I could do something fun and exciting. Of course I miss my family. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am tired. School is stressful, life is hard, work is repetitive and fun is relative. The good news is, I am perfectly capable of handling it. Regardless of how my last entry sounds. If I feel something, I write it. It just so happens that I decided to blog on a very stressful day.
Thanks for caring guys. That was so precious of you.
Much Love,
Roxie

I am at this point in my life where I am not sure who I am anymore. I DO NOT know myself. Who am I? What am I passionate about? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends or trust anyone? Sometimes I feel as though I am never going to get it right. I am myself. And that scares me more than anything else. I run from "fitting" in so fast that sometimes I am so afraid of letting anyone really see me. I am Me. Whether or not I am "cool" or beautiful or thin or fat or awkward or lonely, I am always going to be myself. How frightening.
Is it pathetic that I think no one would want to date me? Ever. If someone shows interest in me I assume it's a joke. How unfair. To myself and to that person. I put on a mask of coldness and indifference that I just don't feel. I am so terrified of it. All of it.
I don't know why I am blogging this. It's not exactly fun and warm.
I am, of course, Happy. In a relatively speaking sort of way. Happy as in content with myself and my goals, my chosen career path. Of course. But about the little things... hanging out, making new friends, excitement... I have not one of those things happening.
Maybe I'm a prude. It's possible. I don't have a social life- unless you call.... nope, there's nothing to compare it with. Not one little miniscule ounce of fun in my life. Nothing. I go to class, I go to work, I come home. I read. I sleep. I cry. I hardly laugh.
I read somewhere that a woman needs a certain amount of touches a day. No one touches me. Ever. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
I never thought that I could get so lonely. And tired. Just tired of it all.
I don't even want to read anymore. I have been reading since I was three and have never had this happen to me. Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I hurt.


I can't believe I even wrote this down. I am so tired of the quiet. I am sick of the loneliness.
And I want/need a hug. Very badly