I think Jessy's blog has inspired me to write my own testimony. Of sorts. I find testimonies weird because if I am not finished with my journey... does that make my testimony legitimate? Considering my faith changes day by day. A testimony is a statement of truth, of your faith. Half the time I'm confused. Haha.
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Okay, so this is my testimony. To date.

For the largest portion of my life I have felt inadequate. Less than mediocre. I saw what I thought was acceptable for a woman and I tried to make that my life. I worked really hard- I said all the right things, wore the right clothes, kept my mouth shut and people generally liked me for it. I was a nonperson.

When I think about it, I was lying to myself and on a larger scale, I was lying to God. The truth is, God has something much bigger in store for me than the life I was allowing myself.
All I have are the promises that God has given me. And those promises tell me that my life is not going to be a cookie cutter suburban life-- the life I so desperately wanted.

I don't generally share my life. At least not what I am writing.
Here goes.

After my mom and dad divorced, I had a a lot of bitterness inside. It ate at me. I cried non-stop. I wouldn't speak to my dad and I gave up any desire of a childhood. I become a second mother to my siblings. I thought of myself as a stand- in for my mom- she worked long hours to pay the bills and I felt it was my duty to take care of the rest.
School become a joke. I went because it was against the law for me stay home. I did homework when I didn't feel exhausted- otherwise, I just didn't do it. I withdrew into myself. I became a recluse. I had no social skills. No friends.
I was just living. Barely.
My path was chosen. My mother was raised to believe that a woman's place was with her family- she didn't work when I was small and if not for my dad's indiscretion, she wouldn't have ever. But life changes.
In my mind, it all made perfect sense. I would grow up, get married, take care of the my husband, have children and keep my house.
But life changes.
People change.
I did.

High school began and I had come to the point in my life where I thought I was stupid-- I wasn't supposed to be smart anyway. Besides, it didn't matter as long as I graduated- I was good.
And then I met people who changed my life, who challenged my perceptions of Christianity, of role places, of myself.

I found out pretty quickly that I was smart. I was a natural born leader- in some areas. And people liked me.
As I gained confidence in myself, I gained confidence in my relationship with God. I felt like I could do anything. Suddenly things were different.

I saw myself attending college, of having a career. I had never allowed myself to voice that hope. That desire inside of me. Besides, in my family women didn't really continue their education.
As a matter of fact, my dad didn't even think me good enough to buy a car. Because I was a girl. And not a son.
To this day it hurts me to think that I was passed over- never good enough merely because I was a girl. That every time we did father-daughter things... he was just waiting for my mother to have him a son. I was his pseudo-son. A stand-in until the real thing came along.

In high school I had this belief inside that I was right, that my faith was more pure than another Christian's faith simply because I was a pentecostal and they were, let's say, Baptist. I was in the right, they were in the wrong. They had no idea how wrong their doctrine was. I had a list of rules a mile long so I was, of course, the right one.

Coming to college was a wake up call. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically- I realized life is more than a list of rules.
I'm not knocking rules. I just think that if we let the rules keep us from helping someone in need then the rules are wrong.

This is what I have learned about myself.

I can't be a stand-in Christian. I have been a stand in my whole life. I was a stand-in mom for my mother, a stand-in "son" for my dad, and up to this point a stand-in Christian. I was playing a part, not really choosing my faith but accepting it.

But now I know who I am, what I am, and where I am going.

I have found that my wearing make-up isn't going to send me to hell. I can wear pants without allowing myself to feel condemned (this is a new one). I can hear a non-Christian song and not feel as though every person listening to it in the room is sinning. I don't drink and I don't smoke but that doesn't mean that a person who does is going to hell.
I have found that Gossip makes a person ugly. And that just because you're pentecostal doesn't mean you're closer to God. Sometimes it means you're farther away.
If being a Christian means you're more like Jesus then why do so many Christian look like Judas?
I have learned that we all make mistakes. ALL of us. Even those who feel as though their being a Christian gives them the right to do and say what they want without consequences.

But I have also learned that being a Christian gives the opportunity for beautiful ministry. A type of loving that only a Christian can give. Hope. Peace. Joy. Gladness. Family.
Unconditional acceptance.
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This year has been a hard one in my life. In the life of my family. We've had to work through a lot of hurt, a lot of betrayal, of anger. But I know we're going to be okay.
Some days I don't know what I am doing here anymore. I don't know who I am. And then I realize that trials happen. Everyday. The difference is that I know I have my Father to take care of me. He'll never leave me.
He's beautiful. I see him and I can't think of anything else I want.
The life I have lived, the desires of my heart are gone in an istant. Simply because He's my life and He is my ultimate desire.
How AWESOME is that.
I can't see anything for his shine. For the absolute radiance He gives.
I want to be like that!
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it boils down to this:
I am NOT the same Roxie that came into Lee University.
I love more. I hurt more. I know more.
I can't turn a blind eye anymore to pain and suffering. Instead, I want to run to those in trouble and offer them love, kindness, and a message of hope. A message that is Jesus himself.
Everyday I wake up and I know that my life could have been different. It's full of what-ifs and maybes and should haves. Instead of wallowing in the heartache of what could have been, God has shown me who I can be now.
Does this make me a better Christian? Less of a Christian? I guess it depends on you. Your opinion of me. But in the end it doesn't matter what you think, it's all about God and what He thinks.
And I'm cool with that

Ghosts in the Closets?

Who knew that I would wake up today and have to make a trip to the hospital? I can promise you that a trip to Knoxville was not on my list of things to do today. Not at all. And yet it became necessary. Life's like that I guess.
I had a long heart to heart with my Grandfather... even though he was in a coma. There were so many things to say.. things I had never taken the opportunity to say before....things I didn't want to regret having not said. ** Good news is that he came through his next surgery alright. He wasn't awake when I left but I feel peace about it. I hope that I can say all those things to him again... when he's conscious.
I keep thinking though. I don't know where he is with the Lord. My family isn't exactly the poster family for bliss and happiness. I worry about them. I pray for them. Somehow I missed actually talking with them. I guess I just got to where I saw it as the same ole speech. I thought to myself, "they don't want to hear about it again... it's been drilled into them enough that they need Jesus.." And I guess it's true. Only.....I could have said something. Anything. I don't know. He's my only remaining grandfather and I don't want to lose him without knowing I'll see him again. :sigh:
I have given him to God. Many a time. I suppose what I need to learn now is to leave him (and them) to God.... even when things get scary.
There's a verse that keeps coming to mind.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his step
-Proverbs 16:9

I can't help but compare this to those in my family. They might think they don't need Him... but God knows different. Even if it hurts, even if it makes me cry, I want them to find Him. Even if it takes everything, it would be enough.


Also, I have family I didn't know. Oh but they knew me... Strange. I don't recall ever seeing them in my life. My aunts... and cousins...
I thought I only had uncles.
That's a story for another time.
Sleep tight.
-R

Opuntiales

Before work I convinced Sierra that an exploration of Cleveland on foot was vital. These photos are the product of our adventure.

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I was captured by the peach trees.. and after being a creeper in this yard... we realized it was not a home and instead of flower shop. It also had grapes and all sorts of lovely stuff. (We're going to go back and buy a hydrangea bush.

My favorite shop was the little fudge shop.. it had picnic wear, sunglasses.. cups..and other random nic-nacs. (I'm going back for that picnic set)

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What a great way to spend a Monday afternoon.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. One things for certain.. I'm charging my camera!

What! You Didn't Know? Frank's My Homeboy!

I just finished cleaning my kitchen and I am glad that is over. It was an intense experience and the horrors of this day will never be erased from my mind. Girls are nasty. Enough said.
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Today has been a pretty interesting day. I have had some realizations... good and not so good. I didn't realize that I was an introvert until today. I have my moments of extroversion.. and then people are like HEY! but otherwise, I keep to myself. This makes me wonder, what should I do with my life considering I crave silence. A few things popped into my head and I have compiled a list.
1. Own a bookshop where silence reigns supreme.
2. Devote myself to the church. (uhh... is this one legitimate considering I'm pentecostal?)
3. Move to the country (check!) and buy a small house where I will surround myself with flowers, a vegetable garden-yum!- and raise cats.
3. Develop an immunity to cats.
4. Become a writer and move to the wilderness to create the greatest novel of all time!
5. Marry a man who likes silence so we can have our silence together.
6. Marry a man who lets me have my ME time... and have a job that also allows for alone time.
7. If I don't marry a man who allows for my own space... I maybe shouldn't have married him.. so I will not marry that man. (How complicated)
8. Never marry and live in solitude with my hypo-allergenic cats.
9. Become a horse whisperer
10. Become a librarian
11. a massage therapist?
12. Work in a spa
13. Or a morgue
Well... what do you think?
Sorry Guys, this one was on the bit of the ridiculous side... but hey!

You'd Think the World Would Be Sick of Silly Love Songs

If only life was like a Jane Austen novel. Girl meets boy, boy and girl quarrel, boy falls for girl, girl falls for boy, and then after a period of adversity- they marry. And all is right in the world.
But life isn't a book and happiness is what you make it. I will admit this only once (and luckily he doesn't read my blog) but John Mark was right. I should have given up silly love stories years ago. What nonsense!
Okay, I admit. I will still read Jane. She's my all time favorite. However, I am through waiting for something that isn't there.
To be quite honest, relationships are a lot of work. I am in no place to even begin to understand how to navigate those waters but that doesn't stop the sporadic desire to have one. Even now I feel no want of one but instead a small pricking in my subconscious and occasional musings that one would be a pleasant addition to my life.
Re-read what I just wrote-- "a pleasant addition?" Obviously I am not ready. Good thing because there is really no one I want.
So, here is my question: How does one know when they are ready for something that big to happen in their life? Do we ever know or does it just one day make sense?
I was speaking with my grandmother about it today and she informed me that when I met someone all the nonsense and confusion would fade into the background.
I keep trying to paint that picture in my head. All I get are images from Lori Wick and Deanne Gist novels. Life is not like that.
I am giggling at the thought of me falling (literally) into some strangers arms only to find he's "the one."
Oh JM, you were so right.
And I feel utterly ridiculous.
P.S. Jessy, I hope you find this entry to be less depressing than my recent themes. I had a serious giggle fest writing it. It makes me want to write fiction. If I ever make that happen, I'll let you know.
Although now that I think of it, the possibility of me falling into someone's arms isn't that ridiculous considering my gravity impaired tendencies!!! :O

Taking a Moment for Serious Talk

I'm ready for a new post. One of the things that has most surprised me about blogging is that I can actually blog. I mean, I keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself.....but on here (minus the editing) I can be myself. Sort of.
Today (technically yesterday as it is sometime past two a.m) I worked the whole day away. I went in to my job this morning and worked diligently until 5:30 and then had dinner and went back until nine. Boo. After about an hour I once again was back at work to take care of a couple of matters- I then got back to hanging out with peeps (Sierra) around 11:45...
I came home about two a.m and and ran into my roommate Yuing. We were chatting and I told her how I hadn't had the time to clean my room or do laundry in days, which is a huge no-no in my book. She said that I shouldn't worry because no one knew it but me. I kind of laughed and we said goodnight. No big deal.
Only... it turns out it was a big deal. I couldn't get what she said out of my head. You see I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to look spotlessly clean on the outside but be filthy inside. No one sees the state of my bedroom or laundry but I know that it needs tending and mending. My spiritual life is the same. I know and God knows.
I think we would all be pretty frightened if the world could look inside of us and know what were thinking.. the bad things, the good things... our secret desires and hopes that we are ashamed of..
Why can't we just be real with one another?
I don't know about the rest of you but... I'm just me. I can't be you. I can't be my friends, My family. I'm just me.
Sooo....here goes.
Hello. I'm Roxanne, no e (technically). I'm turning 21 this year. I graduate in May. I don't know where I'll be next year, I don't know who I'll be next year. I love Jesus. I abhor meat-I'm working on that though. I have a huge crush on Italy. I want love but I fear it. I'm different. "Unique" I've been told. I like to read biographies-- and unsolved mysteries. I have a plant named Seraphina. I have a crooked tooth. I lose my glasses- always three or four months before my yearly appointment (just lost them two days ago! Eep!) I would rather read than hang out. Sorry guys. :)
Seriously though, I'm just me.
Who are you?

"Trust me, I've got this" - God

God has been teaching me a lot about trust. God says, "Trust me and I will work it out" (paraphrased of course). And I've finally given up control. Life is still hard, I'm still concerned about the issues, but GOD is holding me up. And I am no longer afraid. The joy and peace that he has shown me is incredible. I cannot do anything without Him-- and why should I want to?


I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my Hope.