I Think I Might Just Be in Love

But now, this is what the LORD says-- He who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush and Seba in your stead.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth--

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

Isaiah 43: 1-7



In 2009, my entire world was rocked. Everything I believed about myself and everything I believed about this world was shattered. I looked to God and heard nothing. I read the Bible and it held no peace. I cried and begged for something- but nothing came. And during this time of heartbreak, God hid his face from me.

Two years. 730 days.

He never left me, I know. But during this time, I felt abandoned. People would ask me what I believed and all I could say was, "I love Jesus and that's all I've got." I trust Him and I know he's there- even if I can't feel Him."I went to church but all I felt was pain. At times, I lay in the floor and held my Bible. I just lay there. I couldn't speak, I couldn't pray, I couldn't breathe. In Romans, there's a scripture that says that when we don't know what to pray that "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I spent at least a year where I couldn't even open my Bible. I could only hold it and trust that God understood- and He did.

In 2009, a professor of mine suggested that I take a semester off. I didn't. I couldn't be alone with myself that long and I felt that I would be giving up if I did. Instead, I began constructing a shield around myself. I cut myself off from life. I hid from everyone I loved and only ventured out when I thought I had my mask firmly in place. Roxie's got it together. No worries. I lied to myself. I lied to God. But he knew and He loved me anyway.

I didn't survive because I'm strong but because in my weakness He held me close. Little by little, God woke me up. It's funny how the hardest situations in your life teach you so much. About life. About God. The future. The present. Your calling.

In the midst of my suffering, God asked me to give my dreams up and move to South America. It was the first time that He had spoken to me, had asked anything of me in such a long time. I wrestled with it. I got angry. I cried. How could He ask me to do something so big when I couldn't even love myself? When He hadn't let me feel Him for so long! I couldn't grasp it. It didn't seem fair. Eventually I said Yes. How could I say no? I gave everything I owned away. I packed myself up. I got ready.

And here I am. Six months after I should have left.

When I finally told Him yes, everything changed. I began to feel Him again. The little things that I loved so much about Him and about life, myself... they all began to matter once more.

Maybe He just wanted to know that I would go. Maybe I needed to know that I could. Maybe I had to lose everything to realize all that I had.

Loving God means suffering. It also means boundless joy and peace and wonder. It means endless opportunities. And Love.

Yes, it was an awful situation. And it hurt. It destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. However, to see what I have gained, I think that dark place was worth it.



I hope that He finds God. That He finds forgiveness. I forgive Him.



Who am I that He is mindful of me?

I am Blessed.



Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1: 2-4



If my heart is overwhelmed

And I cannot hear your voice

I’ll hold on to what is true

Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come

And the road ahead gets steep

I will lift these hands in faith

I will believe



And, as I've prayed many, many times in the past couple of years:

Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief.

And, to my complete surprise, I've never been more in love than I am now. He is all I need. And all I want.


Roxie



And a special thank you to those who lifted me up in prayer and never once wavered in your friendship.

Life As I Know It

You watch romantic comedies, right? You know the quiet, dorky, bookworm-ish girl who meets Prince Charming at the end? Well, I’m that girl- except for that whole Prince Charming part. I have been accused of being a recluse- a social failure. I prefer my books, a nice cup of tea, and some soft, harmonious music over a noisy crowd any day. What’s wrong with that?
I admit it, I do. I am completely terrified of the opposite sex. I have very few male friends and even then I surround myself only with those who seem the most harmless, a.k.a. those I am not drawn to. Now, it’s not that I don’t want to get married someday- actually, you could say that I want it more than I should. I am a complete mess. Obviously. Most women who want to get married (whether it is soon or later in life), date. I would go as far as to say that it is impossible to get married if you don’t talk to men. Looking at it in this light, I probably seem like a ridiculous ninny.
Looking back, I don’t think my life could have been any different than it was. I did everything the right way. I attended church with my family and worked hard in school. I went on church trips, cleaned the church, served food at church socials, and worked youth camps. I worked for my own money. I got into to college on scholarship. I graduated cum laude and shook my fist in defiance of my small town heritage. I even taught Sunday school. And yet, nothing has gone the way I planned it.
When I was five, I knew I was going to college. My mom said I came home from my first day of kindergarten and announced that I was going to go and become a Psychologist. I graduated with a degree in Psychology last month. I have always been responsible and I feel like I grew up too quickly—much sooner than my parents ever expected me to, I’m sure. At twelve, I felt like an old woman. I couldn't help but think that something was wrong with me.
I didn’t date. I still don’t date. I have never even been asked on a date. And that was not part of the plan. I wasted most of my preteen years and teens waiting for that “special” guy to come along. When he didn’t I saw that as another failure. It’s hard being the only one in your close group of friends who hasn’t experienced anything romantic in her life. And it’s even worse when you have a negative body image to go with it. However, I intend to change all of that -Starting today.

So, what does a young woman of twenty-two years do on a Friday night?

BLOG CHANGE!

Hello everyone!
I know that I sent out in my letters that I will be blogging from this site while in Ecuador but I have decided to start afresh!
Please follow me @ senoritarosanna.blogspot.com
I hope to hear from you all soon!
Adios!

Who is This Girl?

Today I was going through some old journals when two sheets fell out of one of the notebooks. After reading them and dissolving into tears, I came to terms with the shift in my faith- but I want that faith back again. And I want that joy.
I wanted to include it on here because it was a beautiful time in my life and a reminder to seek him and find joy in him every single day.

Dear Father,
I can't believe how far you've brought me, the things you've shown me and the places you've taken me.
It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this feeling. You make me feel so incredibly amazing. Everyone is constantly creating. Creating for you. Some are painting, drawing, making chalk pictures. Praying... Journaling, all for you. All of us, one common desire- to get to know you better.
Jesus, you are my peace.

You give me joy. Joy like I've never known.
Peace I could only dream of.
A heart that longs to love.

Everyday I feel the strokes of your brush on my heart.
Everyday, you make me feel beautiful.
Everyday I feel a difference.
I feel beautiful.

I weep because you love me.
I weep because I never reach the pinnacle of what I need to be for you.
I wail because I cannot repay your love.
I will never be good enough...
Your grace has covered me.
Your grace has filled me with gladness and causes me to weep.
Tears of joy are my veil. They cover my face and my head continually before you.

Right now I am a piece of clay that has the beginnings of a form.
Each moment I feel your hands upon me- Stretching me, shaping me, turning me, smoothing me, bending me. Tenderly you mold me into the person you intended me to be.
Every moment I feel so incredibly loved and completely protected. I am yours. And woe is me! For I am unclean.

--
I want to make a difference for you.
With the orphans, the widows- protect my heart!

Consume me. Take me and consume all that I am, all that I've been, consume me. Consume me. Make me beautiful for you. Give me Jesus eyes. Take the veil from my eyes and make me see you. Let me see the world through your eyes.
I want to notice others. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to save your creation!
O God, please use me. You are my life. Only you.

--
You are so much more than me,
So much bigger than me,
so much more faithful.
You make everything magical.
You make my life magical!

I'm content to just spend my life loving you.

End.

My new prayer is that I can find that woman again. That girl who loved her Father so much so saw him in everything. He is ever faithful. My life and my path are evident of that. I can't express how much I want to be in love with him- all my life.

ABCs and... ABCs.

If you have any letter games that you no longer want, please send them my way. I want to take as many as possible with me in January. Basically, I need old scrabble letters, bananagrams, scrabble apple pieces... anything you've got! I'm hoping to use the letters in my lessons at the foundation so PLEASE let me know if you can help. Thanks guys!
117 DAYS TO GO!

141 Days to Go

I'm really leaving. It all seems like a crazy fantasy- planning this trip, taking a leap of faith. I know God is the one in control of my life and I'm prepared- excited even...but still, I'M MOVING TO SOUTH AMERICA IN 141 DAYS! P.S. Know anyone who wants a cat? It seems that my cat will be homeless when I move to Ecuador... the parentals aren't interested in having more pets :( Someone save Clarke!

Once Upon a Time...

There was a little girl who wanted to serve Jesus with all of her heart. He was her best friend, Father, Mother, sister, brother, neighbor, and roommate. He was there when she woke in the morning and He followed her everywhere she went that day. She thought of Him all day at school and she daydreamed of Him in the summers - even pretending that He was playing pirates and running through fields with her. She had a song of joy constantly in her heart.
As a child, she knew that God had something different planned for her life- something that made her think twice about her choices. The little girl was not sure what this plan was but she knew that God would show her where to go and what to do when He was ready for her to go. And now that God has revealed that plan…
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, that little girl was me. Yes, I’ve been fortunate to grow up with God in my life- in it, around it, completely in control of it, and loved by Him every single day. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses but I’ve always known that there was a reason for everything- even the ugly things. As a teen, I spent many a night crying into my pillow because I wanted to be do the things other girls were doing- dating and…well, dating. It seems petty now but at the time I didn’t realize the wonderful things God wanted me to do instead. I have had so many opportunities to grown in relationship with Him, my family, friends, and the community because I’ve had that time to devote to greater things.
In the back of my mind I have always known that this is what God had planned for my life. I thought I could ignore it and do “more interesting” things. However, that only satisfied me for a time. For the past year and a half God has been working on my heart and questioning my motivations in everything that I do and say.
I thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be but God had completely transformed my thinking. I think about Ecuador, I dream about it… it is constantly on my mind. I find myself planning ahead- thinking of what I will teach them to say in English first or how my Spanish is going to hold up. I wonder what God is going to teach me. How will God use me?