Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all. I can't move forward, I can't step backward, I just am. Or at least it feels that way. The truth is, sometimes you just have to stand there and wait until it passes over and then take a step.. and then another and another after that. It's not always going to be what we want it to be but we can sure try our hardest to make the best of it. I want to change this world. I can't do everything but I can do something. Too many times I have let opportunites pass me by because I didn't feel productive or able but that's exactly the reason I should! I am looking for something to get involved in, something to better my surroundings. As a Christian, I have to. If I don't, am I really being a follower of Christ? Something to think about. All I know is that I want to be a light in the darkness, not an ink blot on black paper.

How Did I Become Such a Cowardly Girl?

When I hear couples talk about how they met and what falling in love was like for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I mean, I know that I will most likely get married someday- the statistics are in my favor- but it's the waiting that takes a lot out of the person. I mean, I get so frustrated waiting...and waiting...
But it's okay.. I think. I mean, I have a couple of more years before I will be able to support myself properly. I currently living hand to mouth so I am hardly in a position to think about meeting someone and having a family. Of this I am certain- I am content with my situation. I think I just get impatient. I'm human after all. If we could only see the big picture I am sure that His plan would be quite satisfactory to our selfish little minds and we would realize that waiting is perfectly acceptable. However, we do not. Instead we fly around like a chicken without a head waving and flailing our arms trying to compensate... for what?
As my mother points out to me often (I know this already Mom!) God did not intend for us to be alone. Okay. I get that.
The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Not really. I am a private person by nature. Friendly but private. I can handle alone. In fact, actually meeting the man that I will love for always is frightening. I will pledge my everything to him. He will be second to God in my life. How huge!
Okay, okay, I admit that I feel some excitement thinking about it. Who wouldn't? I want love in my life. Of course. Maybe. I think.
I guess what I am saying is, I would welcome finding my soul mate, I am terrified of meeting him, I am afraid that I won't, I know that it is likely God has that in store for me, but I enjoy my solitude. Oh my selfish, selfish heart! But it is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
One way or another, I just want to know the future. Silly to think like this.
God knows everything. He knows me.
Right now he knows all the mischief I am into (my silly, errant thoughts!), and what I want out of life.
To be one woman, I am overwhelmingly afflicted with the ridiculous!
:sigh:

I think I should clarify how I am feeling right now. I am fine. Please don't worry. Yes, I am stressed out, I do wish I could do something fun and exciting. Of course I miss my family. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am tired. School is stressful, life is hard, work is repetitive and fun is relative. The good news is, I am perfectly capable of handling it. Regardless of how my last entry sounds. If I feel something, I write it. It just so happens that I decided to blog on a very stressful day.
Thanks for caring guys. That was so precious of you.
Much Love,
Roxie

I am at this point in my life where I am not sure who I am anymore. I DO NOT know myself. Who am I? What am I passionate about? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends or trust anyone? Sometimes I feel as though I am never going to get it right. I am myself. And that scares me more than anything else. I run from "fitting" in so fast that sometimes I am so afraid of letting anyone really see me. I am Me. Whether or not I am "cool" or beautiful or thin or fat or awkward or lonely, I am always going to be myself. How frightening.
Is it pathetic that I think no one would want to date me? Ever. If someone shows interest in me I assume it's a joke. How unfair. To myself and to that person. I put on a mask of coldness and indifference that I just don't feel. I am so terrified of it. All of it.
I don't know why I am blogging this. It's not exactly fun and warm.
I am, of course, Happy. In a relatively speaking sort of way. Happy as in content with myself and my goals, my chosen career path. Of course. But about the little things... hanging out, making new friends, excitement... I have not one of those things happening.
Maybe I'm a prude. It's possible. I don't have a social life- unless you call.... nope, there's nothing to compare it with. Not one little miniscule ounce of fun in my life. Nothing. I go to class, I go to work, I come home. I read. I sleep. I cry. I hardly laugh.
I read somewhere that a woman needs a certain amount of touches a day. No one touches me. Ever. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
I never thought that I could get so lonely. And tired. Just tired of it all.
I don't even want to read anymore. I have been reading since I was three and have never had this happen to me. Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I hurt.


I can't believe I even wrote this down. I am so tired of the quiet. I am sick of the loneliness.
And I want/need a hug. Very badly

Disney and God

CeCe and I had some one-on-one girl bonding time today. I mean, it's not like we hang out almost every day- not us, no way. Lol. Anyway, we went on a crazy Disney movie hunt. We wanted Lion King- my tape of the movie has bit the dust. Sadly.- but we could not find it. We did, however, come across The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Sword in the Stone, and Pocahontas. I think we did quite well. I own a lot of the classics on DVD and I have Beauty and the Beast on tape- it came out of the vault before we got a DVD player (this was some time ago) and hasn't come back since- but I didn't own these specific DVDs.

We took the Hunchback of Notre Dame to CeCe's house because my roommate was using my living room.

This summer I visited Paris and I sat in front of Notre Dame and admired it's beauty for what felt like centuries- it was even more glorious than the Eiffel Tower in my opinion. Anyway, when the movie came on I started recanting every line detail of my trip to Sierra until I realized what I was doing. I then apologized and tried to keep my coments to myself.

When Quasimodo was pelted with those vegetables and fruit... well, I was so upset and sad. Esmeralda sang a song in the church that reflected my own feelings about Christianity. Those other patrons were asking for wealth and glory and power in their song but she just wanted those less fortunate to be treated fairly and given an equal opportunity to succeed. That is all she asked for in her prayer. Who knew Disney could be so deep?

Another thing that I noticed was the song of self-righteousness that the Judge sings. It almost made me vomit. I know so many Christians who act just as he does. They parade around in their outward appearance of piety yet the only thing that have at the end of the day is a set of rules and a certain clothing style. There is no humility, no acceptance of those different.

The greatest part of the movie came at the end. Esmeralda stood up for the one who was different- Quasimoto- and had done it regardless of the consequences. At the end of the movie, Quasi comes out of the church-his sanctuary- and faces those who had hurled vegetables at him just days before. Only this time, a little girl came from the crowd and embraced him.

At that moment I burst out crying. The tears came running down my face and I realized that no matter what a person believes or how he appears, I am going to accept them- not because they look like me, not because they act as I do- but because they are a child of God regardless of their chosen path.

As I write this, I think of all the Quasimotos out there that are looking in at us- the "supposed" Christians- and want to be a part of what we have but feel excluded.

I'd like to be their Esmeralda.

Mi Familia

Today my family came to visit me. I really miss being with them all the time. I know it will be even harder when I go to Graduate school (if I go) and I won't see them half as often. I got to have a one-on-one chat with Brian, who I haven't seen in weeks, and I hugged my sister to death. Jon ran around and eat all my food (which is expected of a growing boy) and Mom was mom. It was fabulous.

I have to brag on my mother for a minute. Do you see this photo? Our ages are beside us.. I think I was thirteen...

My mother is one of the strongest people I know. She sacrificed a lot for us over the years- even to the point of suffering herself. I don't think that I can ever, ever repay my mother for all of her sacrifices. Even when we didn't have anything- she kept on. She is the most incredible person I know. I want her to be happy and free and loved. I want her to know how beautiful she is.

After all of the things my family has endured, I think we turned out okay. Yes, we have scars- scars that will follow us always- but I think that it has made us a better family. I struggle with despair and anger, hurt and humiliation, low self-esteem and doubt every single day of my life. But, without God those things wouldn't have fashioned me into who I am. And even though I am overcome with life sometimes, God doesn't let me go. Even if I am not what I want to be, even if I am not loved the way I deserve, I cannot lose. The love my Savior shows me fills up all the wounds and soothes all the scars that have ever been inflicted upon me.

My prayer is that I can somehow show my family that the love that God has for them.... even when everything else looks impossible to overcome...is able to protect and guide them. Even when the world crashes down around them.

Savior Please, Keeping Saving Me

I've been slacking on my blogging lately. I have wrote countless blogs but my mood has been a little dark for the happy world of blogging.
But I am better now and ready to embrace.... life.

I am working now. I LOVE it. Honestly, I never knew how much I missed working until I had a job again. Currently I am battling a slight back injury- non-work related accident. Honestly, I don't know how this happened. Regardless I have been holed up in my bedroom the past couple of days, venturing out only to my classes....or to get pain relievers and etc. Normally I shun medicinal help. I think it may be due to my pride but I would rather suffer through an illness than accept medication. Considering I am taking meds for my back... well, it's been tough.
I am currently working on getting several projects finished for school and I have so much reading to catch up on. I have no idea what I have been doing the past few days... oddly, I can't remember doing anything in specific.
I hope no one reads this and thinks I am going off the deep end!

I'm filing my taxes for the first time on my own this year. It's kind of a big deal for me. I am so nervous. I guess I never thought I would be doing this. I have always been really independent but now that full independence has been thrust upon me, I am somewhat scared.
It's odd. I know I can handle it and everyone else seems to think I have my life under control but it would be nice if someone thought of me every now and then. (hehe. It's late and I'm talking out of my mind...again...)

I suppose I am staying in Cleveland this summer... there is really no other alternative and I have furniture to think of. Honestly, I don't even know how I will transport it to my new home.... which I suppose I will rent an apartment this summer... and keep it through next year...
Which makes me wonder how much a one bed room apartment costs?
I wanted to work at a camp this summer for children with special needs but I don't think that will be an option now. Considering.

I think the song that describes me right now is Savior Please by Josh Wilson.
If you have not heard it... please find it. It is incredible

"I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough. I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me."

(That is my prayer. Isn't God just the healer of my life. So much love and strength)

"Everything you are to me, Is everything I'll ever need. And I am learning to believe that I don't have to prove a thing. Cause you're the one who's saving me..."

I just re-read all of my earlier worries.... and they just don't seem so big anymore.