Mi Familia

Today my family came to visit me. I really miss being with them all the time. I know it will be even harder when I go to Graduate school (if I go) and I won't see them half as often. I got to have a one-on-one chat with Brian, who I haven't seen in weeks, and I hugged my sister to death. Jon ran around and eat all my food (which is expected of a growing boy) and Mom was mom. It was fabulous.

I have to brag on my mother for a minute. Do you see this photo? Our ages are beside us.. I think I was thirteen...

My mother is one of the strongest people I know. She sacrificed a lot for us over the years- even to the point of suffering herself. I don't think that I can ever, ever repay my mother for all of her sacrifices. Even when we didn't have anything- she kept on. She is the most incredible person I know. I want her to be happy and free and loved. I want her to know how beautiful she is.

After all of the things my family has endured, I think we turned out okay. Yes, we have scars- scars that will follow us always- but I think that it has made us a better family. I struggle with despair and anger, hurt and humiliation, low self-esteem and doubt every single day of my life. But, without God those things wouldn't have fashioned me into who I am. And even though I am overcome with life sometimes, God doesn't let me go. Even if I am not what I want to be, even if I am not loved the way I deserve, I cannot lose. The love my Savior shows me fills up all the wounds and soothes all the scars that have ever been inflicted upon me.

My prayer is that I can somehow show my family that the love that God has for them.... even when everything else looks impossible to overcome...is able to protect and guide them. Even when the world crashes down around them.

Savior Please, Keeping Saving Me

I've been slacking on my blogging lately. I have wrote countless blogs but my mood has been a little dark for the happy world of blogging.
But I am better now and ready to embrace.... life.

I am working now. I LOVE it. Honestly, I never knew how much I missed working until I had a job again. Currently I am battling a slight back injury- non-work related accident. Honestly, I don't know how this happened. Regardless I have been holed up in my bedroom the past couple of days, venturing out only to my classes....or to get pain relievers and etc. Normally I shun medicinal help. I think it may be due to my pride but I would rather suffer through an illness than accept medication. Considering I am taking meds for my back... well, it's been tough.
I am currently working on getting several projects finished for school and I have so much reading to catch up on. I have no idea what I have been doing the past few days... oddly, I can't remember doing anything in specific.
I hope no one reads this and thinks I am going off the deep end!

I'm filing my taxes for the first time on my own this year. It's kind of a big deal for me. I am so nervous. I guess I never thought I would be doing this. I have always been really independent but now that full independence has been thrust upon me, I am somewhat scared.
It's odd. I know I can handle it and everyone else seems to think I have my life under control but it would be nice if someone thought of me every now and then. (hehe. It's late and I'm talking out of my mind...again...)

I suppose I am staying in Cleveland this summer... there is really no other alternative and I have furniture to think of. Honestly, I don't even know how I will transport it to my new home.... which I suppose I will rent an apartment this summer... and keep it through next year...
Which makes me wonder how much a one bed room apartment costs?
I wanted to work at a camp this summer for children with special needs but I don't think that will be an option now. Considering.

I think the song that describes me right now is Savior Please by Josh Wilson.
If you have not heard it... please find it. It is incredible

"I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough. I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me."

(That is my prayer. Isn't God just the healer of my life. So much love and strength)

"Everything you are to me, Is everything I'll ever need. And I am learning to believe that I don't have to prove a thing. Cause you're the one who's saving me..."

I just re-read all of my earlier worries.... and they just don't seem so big anymore.

Da, Da, da, Da DAAA

I thought that I was going to be overwhelmed with worry and insecurities but everything is fine. Granted there are issues to work out and things I am concerned about but it is not crushing me. It's funny how God does little things like that for you.

I started my own cell phone plan today. I am now a proud employee of Hollywood Video (come see me!) and I'm paying my own credit card bills, buying my own gas, and it feels wonderful. Cutting back is not an issue- I know how to do that. Mom and I have been handling our business for a long time and we can do it still.
Basically, it just feels good to be out from under the hand of oppression that I've been trying to escape for as long as- well, for a while.

I knew that God loved me a month ago... and I know even more NOW that He loves me because of the amazing things he's doing for me in the midst of confusion.
I think- I know that asking God to love me and be my greatest friend and lover was the best decision I ever made.

Last night, I was up late and could not fall asleep. I began looking through old stuff and perusing my Better Homes and Gardens magazines-yet again. And then I saw my Bible sitting on my bedside table. And I felt ashamed of myself. I had been trying to get my mind off of all my problems and worries and yet I had hadn't taken all of them to my Father. Being the person I am -independent and strong willed- I was trying to fix everything all by myself. I was already planning it out- "I need to call and cancel this, I should do that instead of the other, this is a frivolity that I can discard."
I still had my faith, I still had my trust in God, I still felt close to Him, but I wasn't letting Him take over.
I picked up my Bible and opened it to the Psalms- it always automatically opens there- and started to go to Job. (Job is my favorite)
But something caught my eye on the page.
And this was it:

Before the mountains were brought forth, Or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, Even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

Psalm 90:2

And in that moment, I knew that regardless of what I perceived as essential or unessential, that what I saw as a mountain that was just too BIG for me to handle- God knew my fears, He knew my heart and He loves me enough to knock me off my pedestal so he can lift me up.

Life with God is so much better than the alternative.

I haven't blogged in a while. And I don't really have a lot to say. Well, I have a lot on my mind... but nothing to say.
Except.
God hasn't ever failed me. And He never will. Regardless of everything, He is still holding me.
And I think at this point, that is enough.

A Couple Of Things I Love

For years I have been trying to decide what my favorite flower is-- Well, this is it. A Tiger Lily. I see this flower and it brings tears to my eyes. And it fills me with admiration for my wonderful Father. I could never envision such beauty. Yet, He did!

I love cappuccinos! And isn't it beautiful with the heart? I had this capp. several times while in Poltava, Ukraine. It was definitely better than Starbucks!