September 29th 1988- The Beginning of the girl called Roxie

Well, today is my twentieth birthday. I have been waiting for this one for a while. Funny, I feel as though a cloak of responsibility has sat down upon my shoulders since 12:00 am this morning. All of a sudden, I can't use the excuse that I am too young anymore. Blast! Well, it was a good one while it lasted. Haha.
I would really like to say that I have increased in maturity and grown into an "exceptional young woman" but the truth is, I have so much to learn about being a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a Christian.
I don't always make the right decisions and I do not always readily forgive. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings and make wrong choices. And I have embarrassed myself so many times that I can only hope that people don't remember it later.
I am learning about being confident and to love who I am. This hasn't always been so. Someday I hope to be a role model for my sisters, brothers, and even my niece and nephew. Right now I don't find myself a worthy one.
I guess this birthday has made me want to better myself. To be who God really and truly wants me to be. I want to look inside myself and see all the ugly, unholy and disgraceful things and to peruse them, recognize them and then ask God to make me clean.
I do not enjoy God's chastisement but I do know that it is essential.
My willful spirit and independence sometimes makes it difficult for me to ask for forgiveness when I do wrong but I know that I want to be able to do it in an instant.
Yes, I did do a lot of soul searching and quiet contemplation today. It probably wasn't the most exciting birthday but it was a fulfilling one.
I wonder what God will show me on my next one?

Huh.

I am studying for a Biology Exam tomorrow and one of the things that I have noticed is that boys seem to be at higher risks than girls for health problems. They weigh less when they are born and more likely to be premature. I don't understand why this is. In my Education classes I have also noticed that more males than females have disabilities.
Even during my time at Ludic (the autism school behind my Univesity), I have noticed that there are many more boys than girls.
I don't think there is a real explanation for it. It just puzzles me and interests me.

I Want To Be a God-Lover

I have been reading this young adult series for a couple of months now and I am really enjoying getting into it and honestly learning more and more about God. I want to be a God-Lover. To be so enveloped in Christ that He is my everything. This weekend I am going down to Atlanta to work in the inner-city government housing. I am so nervouse about it. I don't know how I am going to reach anyone. How can I make a difference? What can I do to show them that Jesus loves them so ?
The answer: Nothing. Only God can. Funny, I used to think I was supposed to convert the earth and make them see him somehow. I now know that I can only serve God and watch God come out of me and affect others. This means that I have to guard my heart, my thoughts, my actions... I have to live fully and wholly for Jesus in all I do. I make mistakes and I will continue to for my whole life... I am not Jesus- He is the perfect one... But thank God that He sent His son to die for me so many years ago.
To be like Jesus... what a concept... I hope to someday attain even a grain of His goodness.

I Might Go to Ireland?

I have been thinking that I might go to Ireland this summer. It's ten days. And I didn't get to go to that part of Europe this past summer... I am really trying to figure expenses in my head and decide if it's appropriate... The thing is, when will I ever have to opportunity to go on trips like this ever again? When I graduate, I have to put my money and time elsewhere. And someday I might have a family and that will lessen the likelihood of going back even more. I really want to do this. Plus, I have ancestors from Ireland...

And it's so green...

And beautiful...

Ahhhh!

Hats off to Esther Libbey

Since joining the world of bloggers, I have noticed that I am less stressed. I wonder why this is? Not only do I do this "blog thing" but I actively journal. I have done this for years and my old entries are full of laments about being misunderstood and emotionally abused by my family- I was such a dramatic child. I can hear the injured feelings and hurt pride in those journals and feel the pain afresh. Even to this day. At twelve years old one can hardly be expected to understand this crazy thing we call life. I sure did not.
One of the major things I discovered was that my journals show a change in social interaction and you can see it in my writing style and language. And I will tell you why.
I started attending this church, some of you many know it, called Miracle Deliverance Tabernacle. It was this small church back in the wilderness and I did not want to be there. Funny thing happened though.
I met Esther Libbey.
I think she may have saw me as a project or some kind of lost cause that she wanted to take up but regardless- She decided I needed social interaction. I had been at the church for a year when her family started attending full-time. I really didn't speak to anyone.
I can remember pretty vividly when I became friends with the other teens and how much I kind of blossomed under their laughter and odd wit. (Sorry guys, I don't really know how to explain your jokes!)
Now, I can be friends with anyone and I can talk to anyone (almost anyone). I love people and I love helping others. However, I wonders sometimes if I would have done any of things things I have done if it hadn't been for the forced interaction that she made me endure. Yes, I say endure because I would go home exhausted from just trying to make friends- it was really tough for me to overcome my aloofness and loner tendencies. But I just wanted to write this blog as a sort of tribute of thanks to my very good friend, Esther. Thanks for rocking my boat and making me hang out. It probably saved my life.
One question to leave you with:
What has God been asking you do that you have felt reluctant to accomplish? Reaching out to someone may seem burdensome or frightening but what will the outcome be if you ignore his prodding?

Search Me, O God and Know My Heart

So, I'm lounging in my apartment, drinking some hot, delicious tea and thinking about relationships. We're at an age that is full of so many possibilities....yet most people are more concerned about what their crush might think of them. It makes me so sad to think that people are starving and dying and that people my age aren't concerned about them. What does that say about us?!

I mean, when did a guy become more important than compassion and friendships? I don't want to be like that and I hope that someday when I actually do find someone I want to be with that He will be a friend first and foremost... (I have never understood meeting someone and dating them without really knowing them). And that I won't forget about helping people and furthering the Kingdom of Christ. Because if that's the case, I don't want to meet anyone. I would rather work for God the rest of my life alone than to find someone that doesn't want to help me help others.

Other than this revelation I had this morning while perusing the blogs of my friends, I do not really have much to report.

Except- Does anyone know where I can find a mother with a child age Newborn-8 that I can use for my assessment class? If so, please let me know!

(It sounds rather like a sales pitch or something doesn't it?)

Well, adios my fellow bloggers!

Well, I asked for it!

Isn't God just incredible? Last night I went out to find a quiet spot for some much needed Roxie and Jesus time... Well, wouldn't you know that God showed me how ridiculous I am? Some time ago I started praying that God would make me less materialistic... kind of like Paul.. I had a specific phrase that really struck something inside of me.. The following is a paraphrase: I have learned to be content in any situation.. whether I be in want or have plenty....
As I was pouring out my woes to the heavenly Father He gently reminded me that He was just teaching me what I had wanted to learn.
Yes, I asked God to live a more simplistic life... and He gave it to me..
So, Roxie here. Learning to trust God and be a more resourceful woman.. Realizing that when you ask God to teach you something... well, He does.

When life gives you lemons...

I am finding out what it is to be that poor college student. You know, the one that looks forward to tap water and ramen for dinner. Oh yes, this is me. Not that I can really complain. My parents help me out when they can but since they are generous and take care of so many people- it's not always an easy thing for them to do.

I got a ticket today for not registering my car on campus- I couldn't afford to do it. Now, I have to pay for the ticket plus the registration sticker. Mark gave me some money last week and I was so excited... made a hundred plans to make it last forever.. however, I didn't count on the ethernet cable, the ticket, the registration sticker, and my $50 dollar background check that I have to pay for within the week. Oh, did I mention that my bike tires are completely flat?! I think they are busted.. so I guess I have to buy new tires too.
:SIGHS:

When did life get so complicated? Why did I think I could be a grown-up? How come I can't find a job? What am I going to do about that ticket!?!

Well, first off- I am going to pray. (It's such an obvious assertion)
Second, I am a tough girl.. I can do this.

Besides, God closes a door (that job I almost had last week..) and opens a window...

For the first time in my life, God has complete control. I am not fighting anymore. I can't always take care of myself but I am asking God's guidance and I am giving him my trust.

So, I guess I am going to take those nasty, sour lemons and make lemonade... or in my case- Use them to sweeten my tap water!!! :)