So, yesterday I was having a rough time of it. I am not going to sugar coat it. I was a mess. Most of it was stubborn pride, anger, humiliation, and sadness. I thought that I was being laughed at, mocked, or even abandoned by God. Ridiculous, I know.

When you're trying to follow God's plan for your life... when you finally give up your desires and wishes... it doesn't mean everything is going to be lollipops and sunshine.

2009 was the hardest year of my life- for many different reasons- and now that I have finally surrendered control of my life and all my heartaches to Jesus, it makes sense that Satan might be having some anger issues.

Chronicling 2009, I would have to admit that even when things were really bad...Jesus still held me. Realizing that now, when I am stronger, I know that all I've been facing that seems to hinder that plan He's given me... is simply reason enough for me to continue pressing forward to make it happen.

Thank You Jesus for making me different, for making me sensitive and compassionate towards others... and Thank You for choosing me to do something so incredible with my life.

You are the only reason I exist and I thank you for that.

He who loves purity of heart And has grace on his lips, The king will be his friend.

Proverbs 22:11

Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

I want to be friends with my God and I want to be forgiving and kind to everyone. I want to cherish that which is good and sweet. I want to be a Christian model to others- to those that others scorn and toss aside.

Create in me a heart that beats only for you, Jesus, so that I may walk among those who do not fear you and teach them of you.

I'm having a bad day. Nothing is going my way, I am feeling alone, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I always thought that if you were trying to follow Gods' will, then things would just work out- Oh, God wants me to ____? Well, sure.-- and then I do it. But no. It's never like that. You get beat up pretty badly by people you love, people you assumed cared for you, and you never quite recover.

Like me.

I keep discovering these horrifying facets on the people I love. As I sit there completely dumbfounded and disturbed, they continue to poke at me, taunt me, and ultimately, toss me aside. Honestly, what's the point? I can only be Me. I can only let it go for so long. Forgive 70x7. Got it. But what if it's been a thousand instances of forgiveness?

Over and over again, I am knocked down. Yet, time and again, I stand back up- dust myself off and continue forward. Only.. lately the dust is sticking.. and I am suffocating underneath it all.

Friendships fade, families bicker, and we fall in and out of love... but is it wrong for me to want more than that?

I catch a glimpse of something beautiful in the distance but I can't quite get a hold on it for all the dust. It keeps slipping from my hand and disappearing into the thickness. This desert leaves me parched and sick. Until i feel I will die here.

But, I hold to His promise over me. To the plan he has for my life. I hold steadfast to the strength of His arms and I will allow Him to heal my broken heart, my bruised soul, because I know that He is the only one who can save me from this wasteland.

So, I wait. And I walk. I press forward through the dust, the mud, the heat. Because I know that He will bring me into His glory and He will hold me in His arms. He is my everything. He is my life.

Be glad then, you children of Zion, And rejoice in the LORD your God; For He has given you the former rain faithfully, and He will cause the rain to come down for you-- The former rain. And the latter rain in the first month.

The Threshing floors shall be full of wheat, And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts have eaten,

The Crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

and the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And my people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

Joel 2: 23-27

Required Reading: 101

Books are like old friends that never tire of your company, never say a harsh word to you, and are always available when you need them. If I have a good book, I'm set. I can sit for hours on end and just read.. imagine.. live. I know it may seem ridiculous to some of you who don't read but I have always found the written word to be an inspiration and joy to my life. I am laying in my bed now, ready to call it a night, and as I glance around my room I find comfort in my books. A random book on the floor, a couple by the bed, my Bible, journal and a short novel on my stand, my book cases- all of these make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Recently, I have found that I really like reading about Jesus' life. He was actually pretty amazing- and quite sarcastic when he wanted to be. I had this idea about the Bible- it was required reading, but it couldn't be fun. Boy, did God show me how wrong I was. I literally laughed at some of the things Jesus did to those Pharisees- He even insulted their clothing.

What I am trying to say is that I have found that just because you aren't particularly fond of a book at the beginning, it does not mean that you should stop trying to read it.

So, kudos Jesus for being pretty radical. And obviously, a source of inspiration to me- to keep going in the face or adversity. (And while I'm at it, I think I'll cause a stir of my own!)

Books are meant to nourish.

Enjoy.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

I am sitting on the couch at my house, wrapped up tight and warm with my new Christmas snuggie.. and I am listening to the silence of my house and I keep thinking, "I could live like this forever." Only, that's a lie. I can't even sleep half the night alone here and I find myself freaking out that I am going to be attacked and murdered (dramatic much?). As I sit here.. I enjoy the peace and quiet but I keep one ear permanently cocked for sounds of forced entry or breaking glass and even whispers from burglars. -- And this is exactly how I live my life. I am constantly trying to keep the boat steady while frantically searching for holes that sink and sharks that bite. I live my life like I am inside the fish's belly instead of living the sweet life on a luxury cruise liner sailing the blue waters. Why is this exactly? No one told me that I couldn't be happy, no one told me to be the martyr-- No one told me to try to be everyone's savior. Yet every time there is a crisis, I come rushing in-- offering myself, giving of myself, crying for others, praying, holding hands, talking on the phone all night.. being Superwoman. But I think I have finally hit a desert lined with kryptonite- and I am so tired.

And yet, I find that there must be hope of something more, something beautiful to reach towards. I give of myself because He gave of himself. And every time I give of me, I am modeling after Him. And that's kind of beautiful.

So, I guess this means I will press on? Keep walking? Treading through rough waters and climbing tall mountains? falling down into large pits in deserts with no water? Yeah, I guess that's what I am trying to say.

The song of my life seems to constantly be on repeat. Maybe I am missing the important message that God has been trying to tell me all along..

Maybe... it's not about me.... at all.