BLOG CHANGE!

Hello everyone!
I know that I sent out in my letters that I will be blogging from this site while in Ecuador but I have decided to start afresh!
Please follow me @ senoritarosanna.blogspot.com
I hope to hear from you all soon!
Adios!

Who is This Girl?

Today I was going through some old journals when two sheets fell out of one of the notebooks. After reading them and dissolving into tears, I came to terms with the shift in my faith- but I want that faith back again. And I want that joy.
I wanted to include it on here because it was a beautiful time in my life and a reminder to seek him and find joy in him every single day.

Dear Father,
I can't believe how far you've brought me, the things you've shown me and the places you've taken me.
It's quiet and peaceful. I enjoy this feeling. You make me feel so incredibly amazing. Everyone is constantly creating. Creating for you. Some are painting, drawing, making chalk pictures. Praying... Journaling, all for you. All of us, one common desire- to get to know you better.
Jesus, you are my peace.

You give me joy. Joy like I've never known.
Peace I could only dream of.
A heart that longs to love.

Everyday I feel the strokes of your brush on my heart.
Everyday, you make me feel beautiful.
Everyday I feel a difference.
I feel beautiful.

I weep because you love me.
I weep because I never reach the pinnacle of what I need to be for you.
I wail because I cannot repay your love.
I will never be good enough...
Your grace has covered me.
Your grace has filled me with gladness and causes me to weep.
Tears of joy are my veil. They cover my face and my head continually before you.

Right now I am a piece of clay that has the beginnings of a form.
Each moment I feel your hands upon me- Stretching me, shaping me, turning me, smoothing me, bending me. Tenderly you mold me into the person you intended me to be.
Every moment I feel so incredibly loved and completely protected. I am yours. And woe is me! For I am unclean.

--
I want to make a difference for you.
With the orphans, the widows- protect my heart!

Consume me. Take me and consume all that I am, all that I've been, consume me. Consume me. Make me beautiful for you. Give me Jesus eyes. Take the veil from my eyes and make me see you. Let me see the world through your eyes.
I want to notice others. I want to make the world beautiful. I want to save your creation!
O God, please use me. You are my life. Only you.

--
You are so much more than me,
So much bigger than me,
so much more faithful.
You make everything magical.
You make my life magical!

I'm content to just spend my life loving you.

End.

My new prayer is that I can find that woman again. That girl who loved her Father so much so saw him in everything. He is ever faithful. My life and my path are evident of that. I can't express how much I want to be in love with him- all my life.

ABCs and... ABCs.

If you have any letter games that you no longer want, please send them my way. I want to take as many as possible with me in January. Basically, I need old scrabble letters, bananagrams, scrabble apple pieces... anything you've got! I'm hoping to use the letters in my lessons at the foundation so PLEASE let me know if you can help. Thanks guys!
117 DAYS TO GO!

141 Days to Go

I'm really leaving. It all seems like a crazy fantasy- planning this trip, taking a leap of faith. I know God is the one in control of my life and I'm prepared- excited even...but still, I'M MOVING TO SOUTH AMERICA IN 141 DAYS! P.S. Know anyone who wants a cat? It seems that my cat will be homeless when I move to Ecuador... the parentals aren't interested in having more pets :( Someone save Clarke!

Once Upon a Time...

There was a little girl who wanted to serve Jesus with all of her heart. He was her best friend, Father, Mother, sister, brother, neighbor, and roommate. He was there when she woke in the morning and He followed her everywhere she went that day. She thought of Him all day at school and she daydreamed of Him in the summers - even pretending that He was playing pirates and running through fields with her. She had a song of joy constantly in her heart.
As a child, she knew that God had something different planned for her life- something that made her think twice about her choices. The little girl was not sure what this plan was but she knew that God would show her where to go and what to do when He was ready for her to go. And now that God has revealed that plan…
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, that little girl was me. Yes, I’ve been fortunate to grow up with God in my life- in it, around it, completely in control of it, and loved by Him every single day. It hasn’t always been sunshine and roses but I’ve always known that there was a reason for everything- even the ugly things. As a teen, I spent many a night crying into my pillow because I wanted to be do the things other girls were doing- dating and…well, dating. It seems petty now but at the time I didn’t realize the wonderful things God wanted me to do instead. I have had so many opportunities to grown in relationship with Him, my family, friends, and the community because I’ve had that time to devote to greater things.
In the back of my mind I have always known that this is what God had planned for my life. I thought I could ignore it and do “more interesting” things. However, that only satisfied me for a time. For the past year and a half God has been working on my heart and questioning my motivations in everything that I do and say.
I thought I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be but God had completely transformed my thinking. I think about Ecuador, I dream about it… it is constantly on my mind. I find myself planning ahead- thinking of what I will teach them to say in English first or how my Spanish is going to hold up. I wonder what God is going to teach me. How will God use me?

I Will Waste My Life

I used to think that I had to be the best of the best. I believed that in order to be respected and fulfilled that I would have to have a serious education- nothing less than a doctorate. Okay, I never wanted to be rich.. that's never been high on my list of priorities. Money has never been something that I've cared about. Which is good... considering that Jesus is sending me towards a life other than the one I had planned for myself.
Fickle as I am, I naively thought that I could plan my life and that God would allow me to pursue my dreams... as long as I was trying to be a good Christian. And I'm sure that in most situations, that does work out... but not in my case. At least, not right now.
Here I am, graduating and floating in a sea of uncertainty. My entire existence has been about order, meticulous planning, and.... I am freaking out!
However, God has asked me to do something else. To put my own desires aside and to use the compassion and empathy that he has blessed (sometimes, cursed) me with. He is asking me to get down in the dirt and dig, plant, water, nurture the seeds that He will plant in the heart and minds of the people. And I can't help but feel my heart swell with gratitude- at being a part of such a journey, to be saved, loved, and cared for by such a great God.
That is why I feel such a kinship to this song. Misty Edwards sings, "I'll say goodbye to my Father, my mother- turn my back on every other lover and I'll press on, yes, I'll press on.... For I am in LOVE with you and there is no cost, I am in love with you and there is no loss. I am in love with you - I wanna take your name. I am in love with you, I wanna cling to you, Jesus. Just let me cling to you, Jesus."
WOW.
For some time now I have felt God nudging me towards a life that I haven't planned. I am terrified. Yet, I am excited. I am unsure, yet I am certain. I am unworthy, yet I know that I am being sent.
Who am I that He would send me?
Isn't there someone else that is better qualified? Someone else who gets it right? I am so unworthy.
Someday, I think, I would like to go to Graduate school. I think I would like to pursue a doctorate degree. I would like to meet some sweet man and fall in love- you know, cute house, two dogs, one cat (got the cat already!) white picket fence, a couple of children etc. Someday.
However, at this moment, I know that God is calling me to put those dreams aside and to fall in love with His dream for me.
Miss Roxanne Holloway, Missionary?

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: 17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me


I used to see this scripture as a beautiful description of what a great marriage would be... Now, I guess I see it a little differently. Wherever He is, I want to be there. Whether it's in Seattle, Chicago, China, Africa, or... Ecuador. I want to be there. Where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

And I can't help but remember the prophecy of my youth. I can't help but think that this is the time that God has called me for.
Here I am. Just me. Broken, pitiful me. It took sliding to the end of my rope to realize that I was two feet from the ground. God wasn't leaving me... He has been trying to show to look at the world from a different perspective.

Here I am. Send me.
:)

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived, Exhausted Woman at Midnight.

I started a new job at Panera Bread. Right now, I am a glorified diner girl. I clean the tables, chat with the old folks, and wash the dishes. It is actually an enjoyable time for me since I simply like to talk to people. I don't always want to be the girl stuck in dining room but....well... we shall see where it goes.
On another note... I have started a Blessings journal. Everyday I write down at least one blessing from the day and when I am feeling down and out... I simply re-read all the wonderful things God has done for me.. And those things... Wow. Since I started the journal, blessing upon blessing has been poured out. And, honestly, he's been doing these things all along.. I just didn't notice them.
Kind of amazing.
I'm seeing God in a new light... I am trying my hardest to find the joy and awe in my relationship with Him again. I will admit that my relationship with Him hasn't been what it should have been the past year. I was simply trying to make it. Now...I am doing more than just making it.. I am thriving. God is changing everything about me to reflect Him. I just wish I weren't so dang stubborn.
Pray for me. My strong, stubborn mind and independent nature holds me back in this area. I find them to be helpful most of the time but in this... I need to surrender again. So, pray that I can finally fully hand over control.
Now that I have confessed all.... I guess this is goodnight!

Ecuador Bound

Ecuador bound in January. I wanted to give my friends an opportunity to see where I am going and get an idea of what my life is going to be like in just a few short months.
I am going to work with the Bread of Life Foundation in Atucucho, Quito, Ecuador. It is the poorest area in the Capital City of Quito.
Included here are photos of my future home.
Love,
Roxie

Can I just say that God is wonderful. He is beautiful and incredible. And no, everything has not been resolved and picture perfect. I have just decided to let Jesus have control of my life. Finally. I know, I think that I have said this before but really, I have been given no other choice. I have felt such peace about everything, even as I freak out. Does that make sense? I've decided that all of this must be happening so I can move on into His plan for my life. We shall see.
I think that I might start blogging daily. Short blogs, mostly. I just know that I need to share this journey- crazy as it is- with others. It's important.
Gotta go.
Pray for me!

Just Wow.

Sigh. If you ask God to give you faith... He gives you opportunities to practice the faith you have. Just an FYI.
Be careful what you wish for...cause you just might get it. (Yes, I know I inserted a pop song but it was really necessary..considering).
I can't give specifics about the issues making me rely upon my faith as of yet.
Stay tuned and I hope to be able to give a clearer picture of this year once I am "allowed" to.
Isaiah 30:18-21 has become my mantra.

Mustard Seed Faith

Yesterday I was sitting outside on my porch swing, wrapped in my snuggie, reading my Bible when I realized that I was being a hypocrit. Reason? I will tell you.
I have a Women of Faith study Bible that I have been using (love it!) for the past several years. Only, lately- due to financial issues and stress- my faith meter has been dangerously low. So, having such small faith, I felt extremely hypocritical reading my faith study Bible.
--
As I thought about this and despair washed over me, I opened my Bible and it fell to a piece of scripture that I have never once glanced at before. This is what it said:

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will help you when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it."
Isaiah 30:18-21.

Okay. Wow.
First of all, I was touched by verse 18 when I read of God's longing to be gracious to me. It made me feel as though I truly was not alone in this.
Second, -- "you will weep no more" -- I have wasted many a tear on my current situation and knowing that God wants to be gracious to me and to keep me from my tears speaks volumes.
Third,-- "He will help you when you cry for help!" Okay, right now all I can do is call for help. Knowing he will help me is important.
fourth, -- "as soon as he hears, he will answer you." This was powerful to me because I constantly feel as though He doesn't hear me. It was nice to have this reiterated.
fifth, -- "your teachers will be hidden no more" -- Good to know that he will show me how my trials have taught me a lesson. I needed to know that I was not going through all of this for nothing.
Sixth, -- "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it." -- BAM! This is my life right now. I have no idea which way I should go, what I should be doing with my life, or what God wants from me. Stepping out in faith is really the only way. It is all I can do. I can rest in the knowledge that God is directing me and will confirm each and every footstep.

So, instead of berating me for my small faith, God decided to give me a little bit of hope to guide my faith in the right direction and to encourage me throughout the journey. (Hebrews 11:1)
Pray for me!

Frustration Rules My Life

I felt like I needed to blog this to get it out of my system...if it's something that I need to get out of my system.

You see, sometimes I try to picture myself getting falling in love and getting married but it seems so ridiculous to me. Maybe it's a side effect of having both of parents getting divorced again that has me in this funk but.. I don't know if it's possible for me to experience a lasting relationship. This could possibly be the reason why I am currently single. Maybe I'm just uninterested in men. Maybe.

I have only really been interested in one guy in my entire life. And now I can't even remember what it was that I found so alluring/charming about him.

I am at this point in my life where no one holds any interest for me. Does this mean something?

I keep telling myself that this whole single thing is something I am living and learning from right now because God has someone special for me. But does he really?

Sometimes I wonder.

There's a song called By the Way They Dance by Jump, Little Children. It is possibly the most romantic, beautiful song that I have ever heard and I want that feeling in my life. Only, the problem is that there is no one interesting around me. Or maybe I am wanting too much?

I don't think so. I just get so... bored in the company of most men.

I want someone who has a personality.... someone unique. I wonder if that is possible in this society? Maybe it is impossible to find that person in Cleveland? That's highly improbable.

Yes, I get the occasional creep who asks me out. Other than that... Nada.

My grandmothers think I am lying to them when I say that there are no men interested in me. "How can there be no one interested in you? You're beautiful, smart, funny. You're great!" Says my grandmothers. Sadly, that's not the case- at least not here.

Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I do.

I just get overwhelmed when I think that I am 21 and I have never been on a date. Not ever.

I can't help but feel weird about it.

My mother reassures me that it's because I have someone special that I am being saved for. Sure. I can handle that. I try to believe it.. but I fall short. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Maybe I'm weird. Maybe I smell funny. Maybe, just maybe it's because I'm an individual.

If that's the case, I can handle that. I don't mind being alone if it means I'm not expected to be a cookie cutter image of another woman. No thanks.

But still..

It gets lonely.

I work in a video store and I get weekly visits from an old man who comes in for Pepsi and conversation. His name is Fred and he's a wonderful, sweet old man. He always asks me what my plans with my boyfriend are. I always reply that I'm single.

What I love about Fred is that he knows exactly what I want. When he tells me that all the men in this town are "Crazy for passing you up" I can't help but feel a little pride. (he's very good with words)

I just need to get out of this town!

Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Story of my life.

I really wish that God would let something happen. I am getting a little frustrated here.

I am blogging this and I know no one will read it because no one reads my blog. I guess that makes it easier to get this out in the open.

Final comment: Maybe I should stop listening to this song and I would stop wanting something I am not meant to have.

No. I can't stop listening to it. I love it.

Adios.

Valentines Day Surprise

I don't know about you but.. I had a fantastic Valentines Day. No, I didn't have a date....I had eight dates. haha! My friends and I had a dinner for Valentines Day. We all brought a dish- I brought a macaroni and potato casserole- and we watched movies and just hung out. Best time ever! I played with the cat, Winston, and got clawed up. We talked about everything and nothing at all. It was superb.

Valentines Day has never been important to me and usually I forget about it and realize after it's over that it passed. However, I have to say, I had one of my top nights last night and I realize more and more how blessed I am to have such wonderful, beautiful friends. I wouldn't have traded last night to have it any other way.

So, Heck yes, I'm single! And I love it.

See ya soon?!

Roxie

So, yesterday I was having a rough time of it. I am not going to sugar coat it. I was a mess. Most of it was stubborn pride, anger, humiliation, and sadness. I thought that I was being laughed at, mocked, or even abandoned by God. Ridiculous, I know.

When you're trying to follow God's plan for your life... when you finally give up your desires and wishes... it doesn't mean everything is going to be lollipops and sunshine.

2009 was the hardest year of my life- for many different reasons- and now that I have finally surrendered control of my life and all my heartaches to Jesus, it makes sense that Satan might be having some anger issues.

Chronicling 2009, I would have to admit that even when things were really bad...Jesus still held me. Realizing that now, when I am stronger, I know that all I've been facing that seems to hinder that plan He's given me... is simply reason enough for me to continue pressing forward to make it happen.

Thank You Jesus for making me different, for making me sensitive and compassionate towards others... and Thank You for choosing me to do something so incredible with my life.

You are the only reason I exist and I thank you for that.

He who loves purity of heart And has grace on his lips, The king will be his friend.

Proverbs 22:11

Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

I want to be friends with my God and I want to be forgiving and kind to everyone. I want to cherish that which is good and sweet. I want to be a Christian model to others- to those that others scorn and toss aside.

Create in me a heart that beats only for you, Jesus, so that I may walk among those who do not fear you and teach them of you.

I'm having a bad day. Nothing is going my way, I am feeling alone, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I always thought that if you were trying to follow Gods' will, then things would just work out- Oh, God wants me to ____? Well, sure.-- and then I do it. But no. It's never like that. You get beat up pretty badly by people you love, people you assumed cared for you, and you never quite recover.

Like me.

I keep discovering these horrifying facets on the people I love. As I sit there completely dumbfounded and disturbed, they continue to poke at me, taunt me, and ultimately, toss me aside. Honestly, what's the point? I can only be Me. I can only let it go for so long. Forgive 70x7. Got it. But what if it's been a thousand instances of forgiveness?

Over and over again, I am knocked down. Yet, time and again, I stand back up- dust myself off and continue forward. Only.. lately the dust is sticking.. and I am suffocating underneath it all.

Friendships fade, families bicker, and we fall in and out of love... but is it wrong for me to want more than that?

I catch a glimpse of something beautiful in the distance but I can't quite get a hold on it for all the dust. It keeps slipping from my hand and disappearing into the thickness. This desert leaves me parched and sick. Until i feel I will die here.

But, I hold to His promise over me. To the plan he has for my life. I hold steadfast to the strength of His arms and I will allow Him to heal my broken heart, my bruised soul, because I know that He is the only one who can save me from this wasteland.

So, I wait. And I walk. I press forward through the dust, the mud, the heat. Because I know that He will bring me into His glory and He will hold me in His arms. He is my everything. He is my life.

Be glad then, you children of Zion, And rejoice in the LORD your God; For He has given you the former rain faithfully, and He will cause the rain to come down for you-- The former rain. And the latter rain in the first month.

The Threshing floors shall be full of wheat, And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.

So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locusts have eaten,

The Crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

and the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the LORD your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And my people shall never be put to shame.

Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:

I am the LORD your God

And there is no other.

My people shall never be put to shame.

Joel 2: 23-27

Required Reading: 101

Books are like old friends that never tire of your company, never say a harsh word to you, and are always available when you need them. If I have a good book, I'm set. I can sit for hours on end and just read.. imagine.. live. I know it may seem ridiculous to some of you who don't read but I have always found the written word to be an inspiration and joy to my life. I am laying in my bed now, ready to call it a night, and as I glance around my room I find comfort in my books. A random book on the floor, a couple by the bed, my Bible, journal and a short novel on my stand, my book cases- all of these make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Recently, I have found that I really like reading about Jesus' life. He was actually pretty amazing- and quite sarcastic when he wanted to be. I had this idea about the Bible- it was required reading, but it couldn't be fun. Boy, did God show me how wrong I was. I literally laughed at some of the things Jesus did to those Pharisees- He even insulted their clothing.

What I am trying to say is that I have found that just because you aren't particularly fond of a book at the beginning, it does not mean that you should stop trying to read it.

So, kudos Jesus for being pretty radical. And obviously, a source of inspiration to me- to keep going in the face or adversity. (And while I'm at it, I think I'll cause a stir of my own!)

Books are meant to nourish.

Enjoy.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

I am sitting on the couch at my house, wrapped up tight and warm with my new Christmas snuggie.. and I am listening to the silence of my house and I keep thinking, "I could live like this forever." Only, that's a lie. I can't even sleep half the night alone here and I find myself freaking out that I am going to be attacked and murdered (dramatic much?). As I sit here.. I enjoy the peace and quiet but I keep one ear permanently cocked for sounds of forced entry or breaking glass and even whispers from burglars. -- And this is exactly how I live my life. I am constantly trying to keep the boat steady while frantically searching for holes that sink and sharks that bite. I live my life like I am inside the fish's belly instead of living the sweet life on a luxury cruise liner sailing the blue waters. Why is this exactly? No one told me that I couldn't be happy, no one told me to be the martyr-- No one told me to try to be everyone's savior. Yet every time there is a crisis, I come rushing in-- offering myself, giving of myself, crying for others, praying, holding hands, talking on the phone all night.. being Superwoman. But I think I have finally hit a desert lined with kryptonite- and I am so tired.

And yet, I find that there must be hope of something more, something beautiful to reach towards. I give of myself because He gave of himself. And every time I give of me, I am modeling after Him. And that's kind of beautiful.

So, I guess this means I will press on? Keep walking? Treading through rough waters and climbing tall mountains? falling down into large pits in deserts with no water? Yeah, I guess that's what I am trying to say.

The song of my life seems to constantly be on repeat. Maybe I am missing the important message that God has been trying to tell me all along..

Maybe... it's not about me.... at all.