But now, this is what the LORD says-- He who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name;
you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth--
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."
Isaiah 43: 1-7
In 2009, my entire world was rocked. Everything I believed about myself and everything I believed about this world was shattered. I looked to God and heard nothing. I read the Bible and it held no peace. I cried and begged for something- but nothing came. And during this time of heartbreak, God hid his face from me.
Two years. 730 days.
He never left me, I know. But during this time, I felt abandoned. People would ask me what I believed and all I could say was, "I love Jesus and that's all I've got." I trust Him and I know he's there- even if I can't feel Him."I went to church but all I felt was pain. At times, I lay in the floor and held my Bible. I just lay there. I couldn't speak, I couldn't pray, I couldn't breathe. In Romans, there's a scripture that says that when we don't know what to pray that "the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I spent at least a year where I couldn't even open my Bible. I could only hold it and trust that God understood- and He did.
In 2009, a professor of mine suggested that I take a semester off. I didn't. I couldn't be alone with myself that long and I felt that I would be giving up if I did. Instead, I began constructing a shield around myself. I cut myself off from life. I hid from everyone I loved and only ventured out when I thought I had my mask firmly in place. Roxie's got it together. No worries. I lied to myself. I lied to God. But he knew and He loved me anyway.
I didn't survive because I'm strong but because in my weakness He held me close. Little by little, God woke me up. It's funny how the hardest situations in your life teach you so much. About life. About God. The future. The present. Your calling.
In the midst of my suffering, God asked me to give my dreams up and move to South America. It was the first time that He had spoken to me, had asked anything of me in such a long time. I wrestled with it. I got angry. I cried. How could He ask me to do something so big when I couldn't even love myself? When He hadn't let me feel Him for so long! I couldn't grasp it. It didn't seem fair. Eventually I said Yes. How could I say no? I gave everything I owned away. I packed myself up. I got ready.
And here I am. Six months after I should have left.
When I finally told Him yes, everything changed. I began to feel Him again. The little things that I loved so much about Him and about life, myself... they all began to matter once more.
Maybe He just wanted to know that I would go. Maybe I needed to know that I could. Maybe I had to lose everything to realize all that I had.
Loving God means suffering. It also means boundless joy and peace and wonder. It means endless opportunities. And Love.
Yes, it was an awful situation. And it hurt. It destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. However, to see what I have gained, I think that dark place was worth it.
I hope that He finds God. That He finds forgiveness. I forgive Him.
Who am I that He is mindful of me?
I am Blessed.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -- James 1: 2-4
If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe
And, as I've prayed many, many times in the past couple of years:
Lord, I believe; Help my unbelief.
And, to my complete surprise, I've never been more in love than I am now. He is all I need. And all I want.
Roxie
And a special thank you to those who lifted me up in prayer and never once wavered in your friendship.
