I think Jessy's blog has inspired me to write my own testimony. Of sorts. I find testimonies weird because if I am not finished with my journey... does that make my testimony legitimate? Considering my faith changes day by day. A testimony is a statement of truth, of your faith. Half the time I'm confused. Haha.
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Okay, so this is my testimony. To date.
For the largest portion of my life I have felt inadequate. Less than mediocre. I saw what I thought was acceptable for a woman and I tried to make that my life. I worked really hard- I said all the right things, wore the right clothes, kept my mouth shut and people generally liked me for it. I was a nonperson.
When I think about it, I was lying to myself and on a larger scale, I was lying to God. The truth is, God has something much bigger in store for me than the life I was allowing myself.
All I have are the promises that God has given me. And those promises tell me that my life is not going to be a cookie cutter suburban life-- the life I so desperately wanted.
I don't generally share my life. At least not what I am writing.
Here goes.
After my mom and dad divorced, I had a a lot of bitterness inside. It ate at me. I cried non-stop. I wouldn't speak to my dad and I gave up any desire of a childhood. I become a second mother to my siblings. I thought of myself as a stand- in for my mom- she worked long hours to pay the bills and I felt it was my duty to take care of the rest.
School become a joke. I went because it was against the law for me stay home. I did homework when I didn't feel exhausted- otherwise, I just didn't do it. I withdrew into myself. I became a recluse. I had no social skills. No friends.
I was just living. Barely.
My path was chosen. My mother was raised to believe that a woman's place was with her family- she didn't work when I was small and if not for my dad's indiscretion, she wouldn't have ever. But life changes.
In my mind, it all made perfect sense. I would grow up, get married, take care of the my husband, have children and keep my house.
But life changes.
People change.
I did.
High school began and I had come to the point in my life where I thought I was stupid-- I wasn't supposed to be smart anyway. Besides, it didn't matter as long as I graduated- I was good.
And then I met people who changed my life, who challenged my perceptions of Christianity, of role places, of myself.
I found out pretty quickly that I was smart. I was a natural born leader- in some areas. And people liked me.
As I gained confidence in myself, I gained confidence in my relationship with God. I felt like I could do anything. Suddenly things were different.
I saw myself attending college, of having a career. I had never allowed myself to voice that hope. That desire inside of me. Besides, in my family women didn't really continue their education.
As a matter of fact, my dad didn't even think me good enough to buy a car. Because I was a girl. And not a son.
To this day it hurts me to think that I was passed over- never good enough merely because I was a girl. That every time we did father-daughter things... he was just waiting for my mother to have him a son. I was his pseudo-son. A stand-in until the real thing came along.
In high school I had this belief inside that I was right, that my faith was more pure than another Christian's faith simply because I was a pentecostal and they were, let's say, Baptist. I was in the right, they were in the wrong. They had no idea how wrong their doctrine was. I had a list of rules a mile long so I was, of course, the right one.
Coming to college was a wake up call. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically- I realized life is more than a list of rules.
I'm not knocking rules. I just think that if we let the rules keep us from helping someone in need then the rules are wrong.
This is what I have learned about myself.
I can't be a stand-in Christian. I have been a stand in my whole life. I was a stand-in mom for my mother, a stand-in "son" for my dad, and up to this point a stand-in Christian. I was playing a part, not really choosing my faith but accepting it.
But now I know who I am, what I am, and where I am going.
I have found that my wearing make-up isn't going to send me to hell. I can wear pants without allowing myself to feel condemned (this is a new one). I can hear a non-Christian song and not feel as though every person listening to it in the room is sinning. I don't drink and I don't smoke but that doesn't mean that a person who does is going to hell.
I have found that Gossip makes a person ugly. And that just because you're pentecostal doesn't mean you're closer to God. Sometimes it means you're farther away.
If being a Christian means you're more like Jesus then why do so many Christian look like Judas?
I have learned that we all make mistakes. ALL of us. Even those who feel as though their being a Christian gives them the right to do and say what they want without consequences.
But I have also learned that being a Christian gives the opportunity for beautiful ministry. A type of loving that only a Christian can give. Hope. Peace. Joy. Gladness. Family.
Unconditional acceptance.
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This year has been a hard one in my life. In the life of my family. We've had to work through a lot of hurt, a lot of betrayal, of anger. But I know we're going to be okay.
Some days I don't know what I am doing here anymore. I don't know who I am. And then I realize that trials happen. Everyday. The difference is that I know I have my Father to take care of me. He'll never leave me.
He's beautiful. I see him and I can't think of anything else I want.
The life I have lived, the desires of my heart are gone in an istant. Simply because He's my life and He is my ultimate desire.
How AWESOME is that.
I can't see anything for his shine. For the absolute radiance He gives.
I want to be like that!
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it boils down to this:
I am NOT the same Roxie that came into Lee University.
I love more. I hurt more. I know more.
I can't turn a blind eye anymore to pain and suffering. Instead, I want to run to those in trouble and offer them love, kindness, and a message of hope. A message that is Jesus himself.
Everyday I wake up and I know that my life could have been different. It's full of what-ifs and maybes and should haves. Instead of wallowing in the heartache of what could have been, God has shown me who I can be now.
Does this make me a better Christian? Less of a Christian? I guess it depends on you. Your opinion of me. But in the end it doesn't matter what you think, it's all about God and what He thinks.
And I'm cool with that
