Lead Me and I will Follow

I have been asking God for direction. Sometimes I find myself wanting something that God is not ready for me to have- such as a career or...even possibly a family. Okay, so I know I am not exactly groomed for a family. I mean, don't you have to know how to starch clothing (whatever that is) and be super woman- always keeping things neat and orderly? Let's not even get started on my career- I cannot imagine how I would make school fit into that picture. Anyway, lately I have found myself wanting things that God doesn't have for me yet. And I am okay with waiting...really.

I had a wonderful experience the other day when I was reading my Bible and studying the spiritual discipline of submission. There was a quote from Thomas a Kempis, which said, "As thou wilt; what thou wilt; when thou wilt."

I have been learning that I can have my dreams and aspirations- no one can take those from me but I am also learning that when I submit to Jesus and give him my will, when I give Him my future, that is when I truly find what I am mean to do.

I am finally at peace within myself heart and mind about....everything. Things that have happened to me, things I have done to others, big hurts, little hurts, misunderstandings...

They all fade away in His glory.

Sure, the future that God has planned doesn't fit my personal standards of "achievement" but I know that this is His will for me.

Now, I guess I am not ready to share my revelation with the world yet. I am not really sure how to do so. For now I guess I can simply state- It is nothing that I intended and everything I knew I would be.

I have been looking to others and trying to find myself in their plans, happiness, and even their sorrows. But I know now that I am Me. I am exactly who Jesus intended me to be-A little quirky, compassionate, obstinate and stubborn at times, melodramatic, and, sometimes, comical.

I can handle that.

All I can end with is this:

I am trusting- and certain- that God knows me better than myself. I am trusting Him with the love story of my life. - And regardless of anything else, I can be certain that to Him, everything about my existence is part of a beautiful love poem that is Me. I really can't argue with that.

As thou wilt; what thou wilt; when thou wilt.

For more information on the spiritual disciplines, please read Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth By: Richard J. Foster

Untitled Life

I'm writing this post because I want to be a rebel. Or maybe I want to pretend that I am one. Or more accurately, I might actually be one. Having said that.. I must say this:
It's been a long journey....maybe it has been a short one. Regardless, I don't think that I can't pretend to agree with things that I find disturbing anymore. It is really not okay the way we act as Christians. Personal convictions? That's awesome. Trying to force those convictions on others? Not cool.
There is a reason why no one wants to be a Christian anymore. There is a reason why we are thought of as domineering, mean, and self-righteous. It is because we ARE.
I cannot think of any reason why a person would want to learn about Christianity. Really? What have we got to offer? Not acceptance. Not unconditional friendship. We have a list of rules, gossip, and back stabbing. Not much of a legacy.
I have come to the conclusion that the only way we can show people Jesus is to get into their world. Working in their community, living their life- otherwise, why would they want to get to know us?
There are some really wonderful people out there who need us to be there for them. They need us to come into their world and actually care about them. It is awesome to have fun with those we go to church with but what about serving the community? We don't do that anymore.
My issue is that I am frustrated with the church. As a body, what are we really doing to further the kingdom of Christ?
Not a lot.
I wish we could get out of our box and actually do something that models Jesus.
Jesus was a rebel. And I want to be one too.
Much Love and Eggnog!
Roxie

Dear God, Come Sit By Me

Today I had the most amazing experience.

I read a scripture that I have heard a million times in my lifetime...but never really experienced until today.

And I don't think it could have come at a better time in my life than now.

~~

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

~~

One of the first scriptures you learn as a baby and it took me twenty-one years to really, really grasp it.

I have been crying out... every day, in every way.. wishing, yearning, missing my Jesus...

so tired, ready to disappear into my pain, exhausted...

and then, I see this...

I really love my Jesus. That is really all I can say.

Reflections Before Psychology Of Women

Can I just say that it has been a stressful year? And it is not even over yet. I cannot wait until this whole ordeal with Mark has been completed- until he has to pay for his crimes and can no longer haunt my family. I want peace. Simple peace.
---
I started counseling sessions with a counselor at school. A lot of people do not like to share that they are going to counseling- and that is completely fine- but I feel like I should let people know that I am doing it. And it is for no one else other than myself that I do.
--
One of the things that I have come up against this year is the fact that I don't do anything for myself. I constantly think of what I can do to make everyone else's life easier. I don't take care of myself and I realize now that it is time to do so.
It doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me less of a woman- it just makes me healthy.

One of the things I have learned this year is that we put unrealistic expectations on women.
We have it in our head that a woman is supposed to be the perfect woman, a great wife, a superb mother, successful in all areas of life- smart, ambitious -but not too ambitious because that's "masculine"- kind, compassionate, long-suffering, always available...but that is preposterous!
I could never be that woman. And neither can any other woman on the face of this earth.
--
My latest session with my counselor has resulted in an assignment to relax. Anyone else confused?! I have two huge papers due next week... how can I relax? However, I have been told that I am not allowed to do any school work on Friday night.... just to relax and be calm.
Sigh.
Can I really do it?
I was thinking maybe I will go to the Ocoee and take some photos... read a book... sit on my porch swing and have a chat with Jesus.
I really miss Jesus.
How did my life turn into this? I do not want to live like this anymore.
I want to be free.
I want to be me again.
I am who I am and I love myself... but sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who loves me.
And that is ridiculous.. but it doesn't stop the feeling of loneliness...
Once again, I am trying to fix myself... which is not possible..
I know that I am loved, that I am cherished, and that I am special to at least one person- and I really LOVE my God.
I do.
I cannot wait to lose some of this stress.
Hence my promise to myself to adhere to the orders of my therapist... and do something for me.
Too bad I am broke....or I would buy myself some new shoes. THAT always does the trick! :)
Much love!

I Love My Life

Welcome to Fall Break...my last fall break...
I am about to embark on an adventure, to God knows where, with Sierra.
Listening to the Kooks and marveling at how far I have come in my life this past year.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.. and I feel like I am fighting a war I am going to lose. And then I win a battle... and another... and, amazingly, I realize that you can't just go out and win the war... you take it one step at a time ... one battle at a time.. and then find that the wins are in your favor.
And I am so grateful that I have a Father who loves me. Unconditionally.
I am so grateful that he takes care of me... expects nothing but myself... and always comforts and watches over me.
Off I go on an adventure!
:)

Roxann Holloway invites you to connect

this email was sent to you by an automated system - please do not reply directly

Join Roxann Holloway on Yahoo! Messenger. Come chat with me, share files and more. Stay in the loop with all your friends. Get started Stay connected at home, at work, or on the go Have fun with games, emoticons, and more Join a community of over 100 million people from around the world Join Your Friends

Get easy, one-click access to your favorites. Make Yahoo! your homepage.

Trouble with the button above? Click the link below or copy and paste it into your browser's address bar:
http://invite.msg.yahoo.com/invite?op=accept&intl=us&sig=SFMGFlA7PO7a0qVelMf6uHRFo4DBJCanvkq_6kF2CJjF1sG75b4duLPjlyTmPNIplqCu6zk-

My Romance

We've been talking a lot about love and romance in my Human Sexuality class this week. Only not about male/female romance but person/God romance. I am slightly in awe of God at the moment. I know when I catch my breath I will be overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wonderful intimacy with God is.

Today we were discussing a chapter in our book titled Sex God by Rob Bell.

There was a lot of great material in the chapter and I would love to write a full blog on it but I think for tonight I just want to quote something that was said at the very end of the chapter which brought tears to my eyes and a longing in my heart.

It said:

The other day my five-year-old son asked my wife, "Mom, what does sexy mean?"

She thought about it for a second, and then replied, "Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you."

Okay. Let me just say that I have never felt sexy. And I have never heard it described that way.

But I want to feel that way. And I want to be that kind of person- for myself and no one else.

I think that the signals are mixed up... even in the church and we've got to figure out how to navigate this mess of church and media mix-ups on how to be a sexual Christian. I think we should look more to God and less to others.

:Stepping off my soap box:

I am finding that there's so much more to my Christianity than I ever thought of before. And I am finding a purer romance, a deeper commitment and a longer lasting love than I could ever have hoped to find.

Honestly, I feel as though I could remain single for my whole life. And that would be just fine.

Isn't HE just beautiful?

I think Jessy's blog has inspired me to write my own testimony. Of sorts. I find testimonies weird because if I am not finished with my journey... does that make my testimony legitimate? Considering my faith changes day by day. A testimony is a statement of truth, of your faith. Half the time I'm confused. Haha.
----
Okay, so this is my testimony. To date.

For the largest portion of my life I have felt inadequate. Less than mediocre. I saw what I thought was acceptable for a woman and I tried to make that my life. I worked really hard- I said all the right things, wore the right clothes, kept my mouth shut and people generally liked me for it. I was a nonperson.

When I think about it, I was lying to myself and on a larger scale, I was lying to God. The truth is, God has something much bigger in store for me than the life I was allowing myself.
All I have are the promises that God has given me. And those promises tell me that my life is not going to be a cookie cutter suburban life-- the life I so desperately wanted.

I don't generally share my life. At least not what I am writing.
Here goes.

After my mom and dad divorced, I had a a lot of bitterness inside. It ate at me. I cried non-stop. I wouldn't speak to my dad and I gave up any desire of a childhood. I become a second mother to my siblings. I thought of myself as a stand- in for my mom- she worked long hours to pay the bills and I felt it was my duty to take care of the rest.
School become a joke. I went because it was against the law for me stay home. I did homework when I didn't feel exhausted- otherwise, I just didn't do it. I withdrew into myself. I became a recluse. I had no social skills. No friends.
I was just living. Barely.
My path was chosen. My mother was raised to believe that a woman's place was with her family- she didn't work when I was small and if not for my dad's indiscretion, she wouldn't have ever. But life changes.
In my mind, it all made perfect sense. I would grow up, get married, take care of the my husband, have children and keep my house.
But life changes.
People change.
I did.

High school began and I had come to the point in my life where I thought I was stupid-- I wasn't supposed to be smart anyway. Besides, it didn't matter as long as I graduated- I was good.
And then I met people who changed my life, who challenged my perceptions of Christianity, of role places, of myself.

I found out pretty quickly that I was smart. I was a natural born leader- in some areas. And people liked me.
As I gained confidence in myself, I gained confidence in my relationship with God. I felt like I could do anything. Suddenly things were different.

I saw myself attending college, of having a career. I had never allowed myself to voice that hope. That desire inside of me. Besides, in my family women didn't really continue their education.
As a matter of fact, my dad didn't even think me good enough to buy a car. Because I was a girl. And not a son.
To this day it hurts me to think that I was passed over- never good enough merely because I was a girl. That every time we did father-daughter things... he was just waiting for my mother to have him a son. I was his pseudo-son. A stand-in until the real thing came along.

In high school I had this belief inside that I was right, that my faith was more pure than another Christian's faith simply because I was a pentecostal and they were, let's say, Baptist. I was in the right, they were in the wrong. They had no idea how wrong their doctrine was. I had a list of rules a mile long so I was, of course, the right one.

Coming to college was a wake up call. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically- I realized life is more than a list of rules.
I'm not knocking rules. I just think that if we let the rules keep us from helping someone in need then the rules are wrong.

This is what I have learned about myself.

I can't be a stand-in Christian. I have been a stand in my whole life. I was a stand-in mom for my mother, a stand-in "son" for my dad, and up to this point a stand-in Christian. I was playing a part, not really choosing my faith but accepting it.

But now I know who I am, what I am, and where I am going.

I have found that my wearing make-up isn't going to send me to hell. I can wear pants without allowing myself to feel condemned (this is a new one). I can hear a non-Christian song and not feel as though every person listening to it in the room is sinning. I don't drink and I don't smoke but that doesn't mean that a person who does is going to hell.
I have found that Gossip makes a person ugly. And that just because you're pentecostal doesn't mean you're closer to God. Sometimes it means you're farther away.
If being a Christian means you're more like Jesus then why do so many Christian look like Judas?
I have learned that we all make mistakes. ALL of us. Even those who feel as though their being a Christian gives them the right to do and say what they want without consequences.

But I have also learned that being a Christian gives the opportunity for beautiful ministry. A type of loving that only a Christian can give. Hope. Peace. Joy. Gladness. Family.
Unconditional acceptance.
--
This year has been a hard one in my life. In the life of my family. We've had to work through a lot of hurt, a lot of betrayal, of anger. But I know we're going to be okay.
Some days I don't know what I am doing here anymore. I don't know who I am. And then I realize that trials happen. Everyday. The difference is that I know I have my Father to take care of me. He'll never leave me.
He's beautiful. I see him and I can't think of anything else I want.
The life I have lived, the desires of my heart are gone in an istant. Simply because He's my life and He is my ultimate desire.
How AWESOME is that.
I can't see anything for his shine. For the absolute radiance He gives.
I want to be like that!
---
it boils down to this:
I am NOT the same Roxie that came into Lee University.
I love more. I hurt more. I know more.
I can't turn a blind eye anymore to pain and suffering. Instead, I want to run to those in trouble and offer them love, kindness, and a message of hope. A message that is Jesus himself.
Everyday I wake up and I know that my life could have been different. It's full of what-ifs and maybes and should haves. Instead of wallowing in the heartache of what could have been, God has shown me who I can be now.
Does this make me a better Christian? Less of a Christian? I guess it depends on you. Your opinion of me. But in the end it doesn't matter what you think, it's all about God and what He thinks.
And I'm cool with that

Ghosts in the Closets?

Who knew that I would wake up today and have to make a trip to the hospital? I can promise you that a trip to Knoxville was not on my list of things to do today. Not at all. And yet it became necessary. Life's like that I guess.
I had a long heart to heart with my Grandfather... even though he was in a coma. There were so many things to say.. things I had never taken the opportunity to say before....things I didn't want to regret having not said. ** Good news is that he came through his next surgery alright. He wasn't awake when I left but I feel peace about it. I hope that I can say all those things to him again... when he's conscious.
I keep thinking though. I don't know where he is with the Lord. My family isn't exactly the poster family for bliss and happiness. I worry about them. I pray for them. Somehow I missed actually talking with them. I guess I just got to where I saw it as the same ole speech. I thought to myself, "they don't want to hear about it again... it's been drilled into them enough that they need Jesus.." And I guess it's true. Only.....I could have said something. Anything. I don't know. He's my only remaining grandfather and I don't want to lose him without knowing I'll see him again. :sigh:
I have given him to God. Many a time. I suppose what I need to learn now is to leave him (and them) to God.... even when things get scary.
There's a verse that keeps coming to mind.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his step
-Proverbs 16:9

I can't help but compare this to those in my family. They might think they don't need Him... but God knows different. Even if it hurts, even if it makes me cry, I want them to find Him. Even if it takes everything, it would be enough.


Also, I have family I didn't know. Oh but they knew me... Strange. I don't recall ever seeing them in my life. My aunts... and cousins...
I thought I only had uncles.
That's a story for another time.
Sleep tight.
-R

Opuntiales

Before work I convinced Sierra that an exploration of Cleveland on foot was vital. These photos are the product of our adventure.

******

I was captured by the peach trees.. and after being a creeper in this yard... we realized it was not a home and instead of flower shop. It also had grapes and all sorts of lovely stuff. (We're going to go back and buy a hydrangea bush.

My favorite shop was the little fudge shop.. it had picnic wear, sunglasses.. cups..and other random nic-nacs. (I'm going back for that picnic set)

***

What a great way to spend a Monday afternoon.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. One things for certain.. I'm charging my camera!

What! You Didn't Know? Frank's My Homeboy!

I just finished cleaning my kitchen and I am glad that is over. It was an intense experience and the horrors of this day will never be erased from my mind. Girls are nasty. Enough said.
****
Today has been a pretty interesting day. I have had some realizations... good and not so good. I didn't realize that I was an introvert until today. I have my moments of extroversion.. and then people are like HEY! but otherwise, I keep to myself. This makes me wonder, what should I do with my life considering I crave silence. A few things popped into my head and I have compiled a list.
1. Own a bookshop where silence reigns supreme.
2. Devote myself to the church. (uhh... is this one legitimate considering I'm pentecostal?)
3. Move to the country (check!) and buy a small house where I will surround myself with flowers, a vegetable garden-yum!- and raise cats.
3. Develop an immunity to cats.
4. Become a writer and move to the wilderness to create the greatest novel of all time!
5. Marry a man who likes silence so we can have our silence together.
6. Marry a man who lets me have my ME time... and have a job that also allows for alone time.
7. If I don't marry a man who allows for my own space... I maybe shouldn't have married him.. so I will not marry that man. (How complicated)
8. Never marry and live in solitude with my hypo-allergenic cats.
9. Become a horse whisperer
10. Become a librarian
11. a massage therapist?
12. Work in a spa
13. Or a morgue
Well... what do you think?
Sorry Guys, this one was on the bit of the ridiculous side... but hey!

You'd Think the World Would Be Sick of Silly Love Songs

If only life was like a Jane Austen novel. Girl meets boy, boy and girl quarrel, boy falls for girl, girl falls for boy, and then after a period of adversity- they marry. And all is right in the world.
But life isn't a book and happiness is what you make it. I will admit this only once (and luckily he doesn't read my blog) but John Mark was right. I should have given up silly love stories years ago. What nonsense!
Okay, I admit. I will still read Jane. She's my all time favorite. However, I am through waiting for something that isn't there.
To be quite honest, relationships are a lot of work. I am in no place to even begin to understand how to navigate those waters but that doesn't stop the sporadic desire to have one. Even now I feel no want of one but instead a small pricking in my subconscious and occasional musings that one would be a pleasant addition to my life.
Re-read what I just wrote-- "a pleasant addition?" Obviously I am not ready. Good thing because there is really no one I want.
So, here is my question: How does one know when they are ready for something that big to happen in their life? Do we ever know or does it just one day make sense?
I was speaking with my grandmother about it today and she informed me that when I met someone all the nonsense and confusion would fade into the background.
I keep trying to paint that picture in my head. All I get are images from Lori Wick and Deanne Gist novels. Life is not like that.
I am giggling at the thought of me falling (literally) into some strangers arms only to find he's "the one."
Oh JM, you were so right.
And I feel utterly ridiculous.
P.S. Jessy, I hope you find this entry to be less depressing than my recent themes. I had a serious giggle fest writing it. It makes me want to write fiction. If I ever make that happen, I'll let you know.
Although now that I think of it, the possibility of me falling into someone's arms isn't that ridiculous considering my gravity impaired tendencies!!! :O

Taking a Moment for Serious Talk

I'm ready for a new post. One of the things that has most surprised me about blogging is that I can actually blog. I mean, I keep most of my feelings and thoughts to myself.....but on here (minus the editing) I can be myself. Sort of.
Today (technically yesterday as it is sometime past two a.m) I worked the whole day away. I went in to my job this morning and worked diligently until 5:30 and then had dinner and went back until nine. Boo. After about an hour I once again was back at work to take care of a couple of matters- I then got back to hanging out with peeps (Sierra) around 11:45...
I came home about two a.m and and ran into my roommate Yuing. We were chatting and I told her how I hadn't had the time to clean my room or do laundry in days, which is a huge no-no in my book. She said that I shouldn't worry because no one knew it but me. I kind of laughed and we said goodnight. No big deal.
Only... it turns out it was a big deal. I couldn't get what she said out of my head. You see I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to look spotlessly clean on the outside but be filthy inside. No one sees the state of my bedroom or laundry but I know that it needs tending and mending. My spiritual life is the same. I know and God knows.
I think we would all be pretty frightened if the world could look inside of us and know what were thinking.. the bad things, the good things... our secret desires and hopes that we are ashamed of..
Why can't we just be real with one another?
I don't know about the rest of you but... I'm just me. I can't be you. I can't be my friends, My family. I'm just me.
Sooo....here goes.
Hello. I'm Roxanne, no e (technically). I'm turning 21 this year. I graduate in May. I don't know where I'll be next year, I don't know who I'll be next year. I love Jesus. I abhor meat-I'm working on that though. I have a huge crush on Italy. I want love but I fear it. I'm different. "Unique" I've been told. I like to read biographies-- and unsolved mysteries. I have a plant named Seraphina. I have a crooked tooth. I lose my glasses- always three or four months before my yearly appointment (just lost them two days ago! Eep!) I would rather read than hang out. Sorry guys. :)
Seriously though, I'm just me.
Who are you?

"Trust me, I've got this" - God

God has been teaching me a lot about trust. God says, "Trust me and I will work it out" (paraphrased of course). And I've finally given up control. Life is still hard, I'm still concerned about the issues, but GOD is holding me up. And I am no longer afraid. The joy and peace that he has shown me is incredible. I cannot do anything without Him-- and why should I want to?


I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my Hope.

Just a Few Wonderful Things

New interesting and fun facts about my life!

1.) I am training to run a half-marathon with a group of people.
- I'm not going to lie it's intense
2.) I moved off campus and into a loft downtown.
3.) I have three Chinese roommates!
4.) I have one Nigerian roommate!
5.) I just tried some type of Chinese roll and it was fabulous.
- It had peppers and onions in it
6.) I'm doing some around-the-house chores for an elderly couple at NCT. They are very strong Christians
7.) I'm trying to get a second job this summer
8.) I'm taking summer classes!
9.) I'm going to Boston this summer!
10.) I turn 21 in September.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all. I can't move forward, I can't step backward, I just am. Or at least it feels that way. The truth is, sometimes you just have to stand there and wait until it passes over and then take a step.. and then another and another after that. It's not always going to be what we want it to be but we can sure try our hardest to make the best of it. I want to change this world. I can't do everything but I can do something. Too many times I have let opportunites pass me by because I didn't feel productive or able but that's exactly the reason I should! I am looking for something to get involved in, something to better my surroundings. As a Christian, I have to. If I don't, am I really being a follower of Christ? Something to think about. All I know is that I want to be a light in the darkness, not an ink blot on black paper.

How Did I Become Such a Cowardly Girl?

When I hear couples talk about how they met and what falling in love was like for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I mean, I know that I will most likely get married someday- the statistics are in my favor- but it's the waiting that takes a lot out of the person. I mean, I get so frustrated waiting...and waiting...
But it's okay.. I think. I mean, I have a couple of more years before I will be able to support myself properly. I currently living hand to mouth so I am hardly in a position to think about meeting someone and having a family. Of this I am certain- I am content with my situation. I think I just get impatient. I'm human after all. If we could only see the big picture I am sure that His plan would be quite satisfactory to our selfish little minds and we would realize that waiting is perfectly acceptable. However, we do not. Instead we fly around like a chicken without a head waving and flailing our arms trying to compensate... for what?
As my mother points out to me often (I know this already Mom!) God did not intend for us to be alone. Okay. I get that.
The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Not really. I am a private person by nature. Friendly but private. I can handle alone. In fact, actually meeting the man that I will love for always is frightening. I will pledge my everything to him. He will be second to God in my life. How huge!
Okay, okay, I admit that I feel some excitement thinking about it. Who wouldn't? I want love in my life. Of course. Maybe. I think.
I guess what I am saying is, I would welcome finding my soul mate, I am terrified of meeting him, I am afraid that I won't, I know that it is likely God has that in store for me, but I enjoy my solitude. Oh my selfish, selfish heart! But it is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
One way or another, I just want to know the future. Silly to think like this.
God knows everything. He knows me.
Right now he knows all the mischief I am into (my silly, errant thoughts!), and what I want out of life.
To be one woman, I am overwhelmingly afflicted with the ridiculous!
:sigh:

I think I should clarify how I am feeling right now. I am fine. Please don't worry. Yes, I am stressed out, I do wish I could do something fun and exciting. Of course I miss my family. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am tired. School is stressful, life is hard, work is repetitive and fun is relative. The good news is, I am perfectly capable of handling it. Regardless of how my last entry sounds. If I feel something, I write it. It just so happens that I decided to blog on a very stressful day.
Thanks for caring guys. That was so precious of you.
Much Love,
Roxie

I am at this point in my life where I am not sure who I am anymore. I DO NOT know myself. Who am I? What am I passionate about? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends or trust anyone? Sometimes I feel as though I am never going to get it right. I am myself. And that scares me more than anything else. I run from "fitting" in so fast that sometimes I am so afraid of letting anyone really see me. I am Me. Whether or not I am "cool" or beautiful or thin or fat or awkward or lonely, I am always going to be myself. How frightening.
Is it pathetic that I think no one would want to date me? Ever. If someone shows interest in me I assume it's a joke. How unfair. To myself and to that person. I put on a mask of coldness and indifference that I just don't feel. I am so terrified of it. All of it.
I don't know why I am blogging this. It's not exactly fun and warm.
I am, of course, Happy. In a relatively speaking sort of way. Happy as in content with myself and my goals, my chosen career path. Of course. But about the little things... hanging out, making new friends, excitement... I have not one of those things happening.
Maybe I'm a prude. It's possible. I don't have a social life- unless you call.... nope, there's nothing to compare it with. Not one little miniscule ounce of fun in my life. Nothing. I go to class, I go to work, I come home. I read. I sleep. I cry. I hardly laugh.
I read somewhere that a woman needs a certain amount of touches a day. No one touches me. Ever. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
I never thought that I could get so lonely. And tired. Just tired of it all.
I don't even want to read anymore. I have been reading since I was three and have never had this happen to me. Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I hurt.


I can't believe I even wrote this down. I am so tired of the quiet. I am sick of the loneliness.
And I want/need a hug. Very badly

Disney and God

CeCe and I had some one-on-one girl bonding time today. I mean, it's not like we hang out almost every day- not us, no way. Lol. Anyway, we went on a crazy Disney movie hunt. We wanted Lion King- my tape of the movie has bit the dust. Sadly.- but we could not find it. We did, however, come across The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Sword in the Stone, and Pocahontas. I think we did quite well. I own a lot of the classics on DVD and I have Beauty and the Beast on tape- it came out of the vault before we got a DVD player (this was some time ago) and hasn't come back since- but I didn't own these specific DVDs.

We took the Hunchback of Notre Dame to CeCe's house because my roommate was using my living room.

This summer I visited Paris and I sat in front of Notre Dame and admired it's beauty for what felt like centuries- it was even more glorious than the Eiffel Tower in my opinion. Anyway, when the movie came on I started recanting every line detail of my trip to Sierra until I realized what I was doing. I then apologized and tried to keep my coments to myself.

When Quasimodo was pelted with those vegetables and fruit... well, I was so upset and sad. Esmeralda sang a song in the church that reflected my own feelings about Christianity. Those other patrons were asking for wealth and glory and power in their song but she just wanted those less fortunate to be treated fairly and given an equal opportunity to succeed. That is all she asked for in her prayer. Who knew Disney could be so deep?

Another thing that I noticed was the song of self-righteousness that the Judge sings. It almost made me vomit. I know so many Christians who act just as he does. They parade around in their outward appearance of piety yet the only thing that have at the end of the day is a set of rules and a certain clothing style. There is no humility, no acceptance of those different.

The greatest part of the movie came at the end. Esmeralda stood up for the one who was different- Quasimoto- and had done it regardless of the consequences. At the end of the movie, Quasi comes out of the church-his sanctuary- and faces those who had hurled vegetables at him just days before. Only this time, a little girl came from the crowd and embraced him.

At that moment I burst out crying. The tears came running down my face and I realized that no matter what a person believes or how he appears, I am going to accept them- not because they look like me, not because they act as I do- but because they are a child of God regardless of their chosen path.

As I write this, I think of all the Quasimotos out there that are looking in at us- the "supposed" Christians- and want to be a part of what we have but feel excluded.

I'd like to be their Esmeralda.

Mi Familia

Today my family came to visit me. I really miss being with them all the time. I know it will be even harder when I go to Graduate school (if I go) and I won't see them half as often. I got to have a one-on-one chat with Brian, who I haven't seen in weeks, and I hugged my sister to death. Jon ran around and eat all my food (which is expected of a growing boy) and Mom was mom. It was fabulous.

I have to brag on my mother for a minute. Do you see this photo? Our ages are beside us.. I think I was thirteen...

My mother is one of the strongest people I know. She sacrificed a lot for us over the years- even to the point of suffering herself. I don't think that I can ever, ever repay my mother for all of her sacrifices. Even when we didn't have anything- she kept on. She is the most incredible person I know. I want her to be happy and free and loved. I want her to know how beautiful she is.

After all of the things my family has endured, I think we turned out okay. Yes, we have scars- scars that will follow us always- but I think that it has made us a better family. I struggle with despair and anger, hurt and humiliation, low self-esteem and doubt every single day of my life. But, without God those things wouldn't have fashioned me into who I am. And even though I am overcome with life sometimes, God doesn't let me go. Even if I am not what I want to be, even if I am not loved the way I deserve, I cannot lose. The love my Savior shows me fills up all the wounds and soothes all the scars that have ever been inflicted upon me.

My prayer is that I can somehow show my family that the love that God has for them.... even when everything else looks impossible to overcome...is able to protect and guide them. Even when the world crashes down around them.

Savior Please, Keeping Saving Me

I've been slacking on my blogging lately. I have wrote countless blogs but my mood has been a little dark for the happy world of blogging.
But I am better now and ready to embrace.... life.

I am working now. I LOVE it. Honestly, I never knew how much I missed working until I had a job again. Currently I am battling a slight back injury- non-work related accident. Honestly, I don't know how this happened. Regardless I have been holed up in my bedroom the past couple of days, venturing out only to my classes....or to get pain relievers and etc. Normally I shun medicinal help. I think it may be due to my pride but I would rather suffer through an illness than accept medication. Considering I am taking meds for my back... well, it's been tough.
I am currently working on getting several projects finished for school and I have so much reading to catch up on. I have no idea what I have been doing the past few days... oddly, I can't remember doing anything in specific.
I hope no one reads this and thinks I am going off the deep end!

I'm filing my taxes for the first time on my own this year. It's kind of a big deal for me. I am so nervous. I guess I never thought I would be doing this. I have always been really independent but now that full independence has been thrust upon me, I am somewhat scared.
It's odd. I know I can handle it and everyone else seems to think I have my life under control but it would be nice if someone thought of me every now and then. (hehe. It's late and I'm talking out of my mind...again...)

I suppose I am staying in Cleveland this summer... there is really no other alternative and I have furniture to think of. Honestly, I don't even know how I will transport it to my new home.... which I suppose I will rent an apartment this summer... and keep it through next year...
Which makes me wonder how much a one bed room apartment costs?
I wanted to work at a camp this summer for children with special needs but I don't think that will be an option now. Considering.

I think the song that describes me right now is Savior Please by Josh Wilson.
If you have not heard it... please find it. It is incredible

"I try to be so tough, but I'm just not strong enough. I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me."

(That is my prayer. Isn't God just the healer of my life. So much love and strength)

"Everything you are to me, Is everything I'll ever need. And I am learning to believe that I don't have to prove a thing. Cause you're the one who's saving me..."

I just re-read all of my earlier worries.... and they just don't seem so big anymore.

Da, Da, da, Da DAAA

I thought that I was going to be overwhelmed with worry and insecurities but everything is fine. Granted there are issues to work out and things I am concerned about but it is not crushing me. It's funny how God does little things like that for you.

I started my own cell phone plan today. I am now a proud employee of Hollywood Video (come see me!) and I'm paying my own credit card bills, buying my own gas, and it feels wonderful. Cutting back is not an issue- I know how to do that. Mom and I have been handling our business for a long time and we can do it still.
Basically, it just feels good to be out from under the hand of oppression that I've been trying to escape for as long as- well, for a while.

I knew that God loved me a month ago... and I know even more NOW that He loves me because of the amazing things he's doing for me in the midst of confusion.
I think- I know that asking God to love me and be my greatest friend and lover was the best decision I ever made.

Last night, I was up late and could not fall asleep. I began looking through old stuff and perusing my Better Homes and Gardens magazines-yet again. And then I saw my Bible sitting on my bedside table. And I felt ashamed of myself. I had been trying to get my mind off of all my problems and worries and yet I had hadn't taken all of them to my Father. Being the person I am -independent and strong willed- I was trying to fix everything all by myself. I was already planning it out- "I need to call and cancel this, I should do that instead of the other, this is a frivolity that I can discard."
I still had my faith, I still had my trust in God, I still felt close to Him, but I wasn't letting Him take over.
I picked up my Bible and opened it to the Psalms- it always automatically opens there- and started to go to Job. (Job is my favorite)
But something caught my eye on the page.
And this was it:

Before the mountains were brought forth, Or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, Even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

Psalm 90:2

And in that moment, I knew that regardless of what I perceived as essential or unessential, that what I saw as a mountain that was just too BIG for me to handle- God knew my fears, He knew my heart and He loves me enough to knock me off my pedestal so he can lift me up.

Life with God is so much better than the alternative.

I haven't blogged in a while. And I don't really have a lot to say. Well, I have a lot on my mind... but nothing to say.
Except.
God hasn't ever failed me. And He never will. Regardless of everything, He is still holding me.
And I think at this point, that is enough.

A Couple Of Things I Love

For years I have been trying to decide what my favorite flower is-- Well, this is it. A Tiger Lily. I see this flower and it brings tears to my eyes. And it fills me with admiration for my wonderful Father. I could never envision such beauty. Yet, He did!

I love cappuccinos! And isn't it beautiful with the heart? I had this capp. several times while in Poltava, Ukraine. It was definitely better than Starbucks!