I Will Waste My Life

I used to think that I had to be the best of the best. I believed that in order to be respected and fulfilled that I would have to have a serious education- nothing less than a doctorate. Okay, I never wanted to be rich.. that's never been high on my list of priorities. Money has never been something that I've cared about. Which is good... considering that Jesus is sending me towards a life other than the one I had planned for myself.
Fickle as I am, I naively thought that I could plan my life and that God would allow me to pursue my dreams... as long as I was trying to be a good Christian. And I'm sure that in most situations, that does work out... but not in my case. At least, not right now.
Here I am, graduating and floating in a sea of uncertainty. My entire existence has been about order, meticulous planning, and.... I am freaking out!
However, God has asked me to do something else. To put my own desires aside and to use the compassion and empathy that he has blessed (sometimes, cursed) me with. He is asking me to get down in the dirt and dig, plant, water, nurture the seeds that He will plant in the heart and minds of the people. And I can't help but feel my heart swell with gratitude- at being a part of such a journey, to be saved, loved, and cared for by such a great God.
That is why I feel such a kinship to this song. Misty Edwards sings, "I'll say goodbye to my Father, my mother- turn my back on every other lover and I'll press on, yes, I'll press on.... For I am in LOVE with you and there is no cost, I am in love with you and there is no loss. I am in love with you - I wanna take your name. I am in love with you, I wanna cling to you, Jesus. Just let me cling to you, Jesus."
WOW.
For some time now I have felt God nudging me towards a life that I haven't planned. I am terrified. Yet, I am excited. I am unsure, yet I am certain. I am unworthy, yet I know that I am being sent.
Who am I that He would send me?
Isn't there someone else that is better qualified? Someone else who gets it right? I am so unworthy.
Someday, I think, I would like to go to Graduate school. I think I would like to pursue a doctorate degree. I would like to meet some sweet man and fall in love- you know, cute house, two dogs, one cat (got the cat already!) white picket fence, a couple of children etc. Someday.
However, at this moment, I know that God is calling me to put those dreams aside and to fall in love with His dream for me.
Miss Roxanne Holloway, Missionary?

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: 17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me


I used to see this scripture as a beautiful description of what a great marriage would be... Now, I guess I see it a little differently. Wherever He is, I want to be there. Whether it's in Seattle, Chicago, China, Africa, or... Ecuador. I want to be there. Where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

And I can't help but remember the prophecy of my youth. I can't help but think that this is the time that God has called me for.
Here I am. Just me. Broken, pitiful me. It took sliding to the end of my rope to realize that I was two feet from the ground. God wasn't leaving me... He has been trying to show to look at the world from a different perspective.

Here I am. Send me.
:)

Ramblings of a Sleep Deprived, Exhausted Woman at Midnight.

I started a new job at Panera Bread. Right now, I am a glorified diner girl. I clean the tables, chat with the old folks, and wash the dishes. It is actually an enjoyable time for me since I simply like to talk to people. I don't always want to be the girl stuck in dining room but....well... we shall see where it goes.
On another note... I have started a Blessings journal. Everyday I write down at least one blessing from the day and when I am feeling down and out... I simply re-read all the wonderful things God has done for me.. And those things... Wow. Since I started the journal, blessing upon blessing has been poured out. And, honestly, he's been doing these things all along.. I just didn't notice them.
Kind of amazing.
I'm seeing God in a new light... I am trying my hardest to find the joy and awe in my relationship with Him again. I will admit that my relationship with Him hasn't been what it should have been the past year. I was simply trying to make it. Now...I am doing more than just making it.. I am thriving. God is changing everything about me to reflect Him. I just wish I weren't so dang stubborn.
Pray for me. My strong, stubborn mind and independent nature holds me back in this area. I find them to be helpful most of the time but in this... I need to surrender again. So, pray that I can finally fully hand over control.
Now that I have confessed all.... I guess this is goodnight!