"Trust me, I've got this" - God

God has been teaching me a lot about trust. God says, "Trust me and I will work it out" (paraphrased of course). And I've finally given up control. Life is still hard, I'm still concerned about the issues, but GOD is holding me up. And I am no longer afraid. The joy and peace that he has shown me is incredible. I cannot do anything without Him-- and why should I want to?


I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my Hope.

Just a Few Wonderful Things

New interesting and fun facts about my life!

1.) I am training to run a half-marathon with a group of people.
- I'm not going to lie it's intense
2.) I moved off campus and into a loft downtown.
3.) I have three Chinese roommates!
4.) I have one Nigerian roommate!
5.) I just tried some type of Chinese roll and it was fabulous.
- It had peppers and onions in it
6.) I'm doing some around-the-house chores for an elderly couple at NCT. They are very strong Christians
7.) I'm trying to get a second job this summer
8.) I'm taking summer classes!
9.) I'm going to Boston this summer!
10.) I turn 21 in September.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with it all. I can't move forward, I can't step backward, I just am. Or at least it feels that way. The truth is, sometimes you just have to stand there and wait until it passes over and then take a step.. and then another and another after that. It's not always going to be what we want it to be but we can sure try our hardest to make the best of it. I want to change this world. I can't do everything but I can do something. Too many times I have let opportunites pass me by because I didn't feel productive or able but that's exactly the reason I should! I am looking for something to get involved in, something to better my surroundings. As a Christian, I have to. If I don't, am I really being a follower of Christ? Something to think about. All I know is that I want to be a light in the darkness, not an ink blot on black paper.

How Did I Become Such a Cowardly Girl?

When I hear couples talk about how they met and what falling in love was like for them, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. I mean, I know that I will most likely get married someday- the statistics are in my favor- but it's the waiting that takes a lot out of the person. I mean, I get so frustrated waiting...and waiting...
But it's okay.. I think. I mean, I have a couple of more years before I will be able to support myself properly. I currently living hand to mouth so I am hardly in a position to think about meeting someone and having a family. Of this I am certain- I am content with my situation. I think I just get impatient. I'm human after all. If we could only see the big picture I am sure that His plan would be quite satisfactory to our selfish little minds and we would realize that waiting is perfectly acceptable. However, we do not. Instead we fly around like a chicken without a head waving and flailing our arms trying to compensate... for what?
As my mother points out to me often (I know this already Mom!) God did not intend for us to be alone. Okay. I get that.
The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Not really. I am a private person by nature. Friendly but private. I can handle alone. In fact, actually meeting the man that I will love for always is frightening. I will pledge my everything to him. He will be second to God in my life. How huge!
Okay, okay, I admit that I feel some excitement thinking about it. Who wouldn't? I want love in my life. Of course. Maybe. I think.
I guess what I am saying is, I would welcome finding my soul mate, I am terrified of meeting him, I am afraid that I won't, I know that it is likely God has that in store for me, but I enjoy my solitude. Oh my selfish, selfish heart! But it is the waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
One way or another, I just want to know the future. Silly to think like this.
God knows everything. He knows me.
Right now he knows all the mischief I am into (my silly, errant thoughts!), and what I want out of life.
To be one woman, I am overwhelmingly afflicted with the ridiculous!
:sigh:

I think I should clarify how I am feeling right now. I am fine. Please don't worry. Yes, I am stressed out, I do wish I could do something fun and exciting. Of course I miss my family. No, I am not depressed. Yes, I am tired. School is stressful, life is hard, work is repetitive and fun is relative. The good news is, I am perfectly capable of handling it. Regardless of how my last entry sounds. If I feel something, I write it. It just so happens that I decided to blog on a very stressful day.
Thanks for caring guys. That was so precious of you.
Much Love,
Roxie

I am at this point in my life where I am not sure who I am anymore. I DO NOT know myself. Who am I? What am I passionate about? What's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends or trust anyone? Sometimes I feel as though I am never going to get it right. I am myself. And that scares me more than anything else. I run from "fitting" in so fast that sometimes I am so afraid of letting anyone really see me. I am Me. Whether or not I am "cool" or beautiful or thin or fat or awkward or lonely, I am always going to be myself. How frightening.
Is it pathetic that I think no one would want to date me? Ever. If someone shows interest in me I assume it's a joke. How unfair. To myself and to that person. I put on a mask of coldness and indifference that I just don't feel. I am so terrified of it. All of it.
I don't know why I am blogging this. It's not exactly fun and warm.
I am, of course, Happy. In a relatively speaking sort of way. Happy as in content with myself and my goals, my chosen career path. Of course. But about the little things... hanging out, making new friends, excitement... I have not one of those things happening.
Maybe I'm a prude. It's possible. I don't have a social life- unless you call.... nope, there's nothing to compare it with. Not one little miniscule ounce of fun in my life. Nothing. I go to class, I go to work, I come home. I read. I sleep. I cry. I hardly laugh.
I read somewhere that a woman needs a certain amount of touches a day. No one touches me. Ever. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
I never thought that I could get so lonely. And tired. Just tired of it all.
I don't even want to read anymore. I have been reading since I was three and have never had this happen to me. Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I hurt.


I can't believe I even wrote this down. I am so tired of the quiet. I am sick of the loneliness.
And I want/need a hug. Very badly

Disney and God

CeCe and I had some one-on-one girl bonding time today. I mean, it's not like we hang out almost every day- not us, no way. Lol. Anyway, we went on a crazy Disney movie hunt. We wanted Lion King- my tape of the movie has bit the dust. Sadly.- but we could not find it. We did, however, come across The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Sword in the Stone, and Pocahontas. I think we did quite well. I own a lot of the classics on DVD and I have Beauty and the Beast on tape- it came out of the vault before we got a DVD player (this was some time ago) and hasn't come back since- but I didn't own these specific DVDs.

We took the Hunchback of Notre Dame to CeCe's house because my roommate was using my living room.

This summer I visited Paris and I sat in front of Notre Dame and admired it's beauty for what felt like centuries- it was even more glorious than the Eiffel Tower in my opinion. Anyway, when the movie came on I started recanting every line detail of my trip to Sierra until I realized what I was doing. I then apologized and tried to keep my coments to myself.

When Quasimodo was pelted with those vegetables and fruit... well, I was so upset and sad. Esmeralda sang a song in the church that reflected my own feelings about Christianity. Those other patrons were asking for wealth and glory and power in their song but she just wanted those less fortunate to be treated fairly and given an equal opportunity to succeed. That is all she asked for in her prayer. Who knew Disney could be so deep?

Another thing that I noticed was the song of self-righteousness that the Judge sings. It almost made me vomit. I know so many Christians who act just as he does. They parade around in their outward appearance of piety yet the only thing that have at the end of the day is a set of rules and a certain clothing style. There is no humility, no acceptance of those different.

The greatest part of the movie came at the end. Esmeralda stood up for the one who was different- Quasimoto- and had done it regardless of the consequences. At the end of the movie, Quasi comes out of the church-his sanctuary- and faces those who had hurled vegetables at him just days before. Only this time, a little girl came from the crowd and embraced him.

At that moment I burst out crying. The tears came running down my face and I realized that no matter what a person believes or how he appears, I am going to accept them- not because they look like me, not because they act as I do- but because they are a child of God regardless of their chosen path.

As I write this, I think of all the Quasimotos out there that are looking in at us- the "supposed" Christians- and want to be a part of what we have but feel excluded.

I'd like to be their Esmeralda.