Frustration Rules My Life

I felt like I needed to blog this to get it out of my system...if it's something that I need to get out of my system.

You see, sometimes I try to picture myself getting falling in love and getting married but it seems so ridiculous to me. Maybe it's a side effect of having both of parents getting divorced again that has me in this funk but.. I don't know if it's possible for me to experience a lasting relationship. This could possibly be the reason why I am currently single. Maybe I'm just uninterested in men. Maybe.

I have only really been interested in one guy in my entire life. And now I can't even remember what it was that I found so alluring/charming about him.

I am at this point in my life where no one holds any interest for me. Does this mean something?

I keep telling myself that this whole single thing is something I am living and learning from right now because God has someone special for me. But does he really?

Sometimes I wonder.

There's a song called By the Way They Dance by Jump, Little Children. It is possibly the most romantic, beautiful song that I have ever heard and I want that feeling in my life. Only, the problem is that there is no one interesting around me. Or maybe I am wanting too much?

I don't think so. I just get so... bored in the company of most men.

I want someone who has a personality.... someone unique. I wonder if that is possible in this society? Maybe it is impossible to find that person in Cleveland? That's highly improbable.

Yes, I get the occasional creep who asks me out. Other than that... Nada.

My grandmothers think I am lying to them when I say that there are no men interested in me. "How can there be no one interested in you? You're beautiful, smart, funny. You're great!" Says my grandmothers. Sadly, that's not the case- at least not here.

Don't get me wrong, I like my life. I do.

I just get overwhelmed when I think that I am 21 and I have never been on a date. Not ever.

I can't help but feel weird about it.

My mother reassures me that it's because I have someone special that I am being saved for. Sure. I can handle that. I try to believe it.. but I fall short. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Maybe I'm weird. Maybe I smell funny. Maybe, just maybe it's because I'm an individual.

If that's the case, I can handle that. I don't mind being alone if it means I'm not expected to be a cookie cutter image of another woman. No thanks.

But still..

It gets lonely.

I work in a video store and I get weekly visits from an old man who comes in for Pepsi and conversation. His name is Fred and he's a wonderful, sweet old man. He always asks me what my plans with my boyfriend are. I always reply that I'm single.

What I love about Fred is that he knows exactly what I want. When he tells me that all the men in this town are "Crazy for passing you up" I can't help but feel a little pride. (he's very good with words)

I just need to get out of this town!

Always the friend, never the girlfriend. Story of my life.

I really wish that God would let something happen. I am getting a little frustrated here.

I am blogging this and I know no one will read it because no one reads my blog. I guess that makes it easier to get this out in the open.

Final comment: Maybe I should stop listening to this song and I would stop wanting something I am not meant to have.

No. I can't stop listening to it. I love it.

Adios.