I am sitting on the couch at my house, wrapped up tight and warm with my new Christmas snuggie.. and I am listening to the silence of my house and I keep thinking, "I could live like this forever." Only, that's a lie. I can't even sleep half the night alone here and I find myself freaking out that I am going to be attacked and murdered (dramatic much?). As I sit here.. I enjoy the peace and quiet but I keep one ear permanently cocked for sounds of forced entry or breaking glass and even whispers from burglars. -- And this is exactly how I live my life. I am constantly trying to keep the boat steady while frantically searching for holes that sink and sharks that bite. I live my life like I am inside the fish's belly instead of living the sweet life on a luxury cruise liner sailing the blue waters. Why is this exactly? No one told me that I couldn't be happy, no one told me to be the martyr-- No one told me to try to be everyone's savior. Yet every time there is a crisis, I come rushing in-- offering myself, giving of myself, crying for others, praying, holding hands, talking on the phone all night.. being Superwoman. But I think I have finally hit a desert lined with kryptonite- and I am so tired.
And yet, I find that there must be hope of something more, something beautiful to reach towards. I give of myself because He gave of himself. And every time I give of me, I am modeling after Him. And that's kind of beautiful.
So, I guess this means I will press on? Keep walking? Treading through rough waters and climbing tall mountains? falling down into large pits in deserts with no water? Yeah, I guess that's what I am trying to say.
The song of my life seems to constantly be on repeat. Maybe I am missing the important message that God has been trying to tell me all along..
Maybe... it's not about me.... at all.
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